Fantastic Voyage

“THOSE THAT ENTER �" MAY NOT RETURN”

 

 I paid no attention to the sign outside the door and bravely entered. Besides, in the back of my mind I knew it was just a dream. A dream filled with curiosity and maybe, a touch of doubt. By remembering it as best I can and putting it down in words I’m attempting to finalize what I refer to now as my “Fantastic Voyage”.  Let me just say right from the start that taking a surreal journey inside your girlfriend’s head is never, ever, a good idea.

 

 As I maneuvered my way past Stacy’s brains I saw pretty much what I was expecting - no more, no less. What threw me for a curve was when I stopped for a smoke and saw the large metal door that read “Don’t Even Think It” posted on it. 

 

  S**t! What’s behind that door? What is she trying to hide from me? She’s always said I never listen very well. Oops, tonight will be no exception. This boy was going in.

 

 As I entered I was greeted to a much more elaborate maze as I swayed back and forth against her cerebrum walls. Large mossy rocks were everywhere and beautiful thin naked women rested seductively upon them. Each sipping wine, nibbling on chocolates and purring like cats.

 

 There was a Jacuzzi in one room, and a hunky masseuse in another. I even came upon a small pond that had a fishing pole along the bank. I had no idea Stacy liked to fish.  I picked up the pole and looked for some bait without any luck.

 

  As I was searching through the grass a worm fell from a crack in the cranium. I smiled with delight only to duck down in horror as a monstrous flying creature came out of nowhere and snatched the worm, and very nearly, my arm.

 

  I was no sooner off my knees when the flying beast zeroed in on me again. I went into sheer panic, I peed my pants and I wanted to pray but I could only wonder if Stacy would think to look for “Dear Old Tom” the next time she blew her nose. Would she tearfully look into her Kleenex covered in snot and burgers and delicately pull out the remains of �" “Dear Old Tom”.

 

  Just as I was ready to accept my fate the flying creature, at the last second, elevated itself just enough to barely miss ripping off my head.  Not daring to look up I was amazed to see the worm, once again, near my shoes. You would have thought the last thing I would have done was picked up the damn worm again but that’s exactly what I did. As I held the worm in my hand it began to stiffen and rise much like a loaf of bread.

 

 In my excited state I quickly put the “wiener-worm” on my hook and cast that bad boy as far as I could. At no time did I see the “NO FISHING ALLOWED” sign until it was way too late. Oh well, I thought, Stacy would surely understand my urge to do a little fishing as I trespassed voyeuristically through her brain.

 

 But what I saw next I’d rather not say. There are some thing’s you wouldn’t believe anyways. I dropped the pole and ran as fast as I could hoping for a sign, yes a sign.  An “exit” sign, to get me the hell out of here! I followed my instincts and finally found what appeared to be a way out. Just a few more brain cells to pass and I’ll be free! But before I could stammer the word “nightmare” those obscene bosomy rocks began closing off my pass to freedom.

 

 No! No! No! I must make it out of here before suffocating against these incredible mammary mounds. By now the naked women were on their feet clapping and shouting. None of them were making any sense, nothing about this dream, was making any sense.

 

 Finally I awoke to a cold sweat, twitching uncontrollably, underneath wet sheets. I had no memory of how I got there but the memory of the night before will linger on for a lifetime. 

 

  Looking back, I guess a fair amount of good actually came from my voyage into hell that night. I’m not nearly as prone to ignore signs anymore. I even look at maps on occasions and I even sometimes ask for directions! I also spend a lot more time with Stacy these days, especially since my urge for fishing has all but dried up.

Reviews

[East of Eden]

haha brilliant i enjoyed reading this