Janurary 19, 2011

My dad sent me to a therapist a few days ago. At first I wasn't happy to go, but after I found out she was very LGBT friendly, I warmed up to her a little. She told me I should continue to write in you, that it would help let out my emotions. Apparently it's not good to keep to yourself for long periods of time.
She helped me with some of my anxiety about coming out. It's not as easy as I thought it would be. I did manage to come out to a friend of mine. All he could say to me was that he were sorry and he was here for me if I needed help. Now that I think about it, it was a little rude. I was just happy he didn't ridicule me.
After it was all said and done, Hanna told me I did a good job and she held my hand for a little while. She's one of the people from my head, and I've always loved her company. Her smile has always been able to warm my heart, if just a little. She's a little girl, only about six years old, if I had to judge, and she's so innocent.

I wish I could express how much I wish I weren't gay. I just want to be normal. It feels so alien to me to have to identify as anything outside of the box.
But I can't just not be gay. I've always liked girls. I've never been able to understand my friends' obsession with guys. It's just weird. I don't think I could ever see myself being with a guy.
I mean I could try again, but the last three times didn't work out for me, so why would another? They always said third time's the charm, right? So if it's not, just give up. How would I ever find a girl, though. There can't be that many lesbians at school. Not just that, but I don't give off the lesbian sort of vibe. I'm not all butch and manly. If they caught me in a gay bar they might throw me out because I'm too "femme" for them.
What could I do about that, though?

Well, I might try making an account for this sort of teenage dating site I saw online once. I can be totally open about my sexuality there, it's not like my parents or my friends would have an account on it. They all think that kinda stuff is lame.
I think back on my life a lot, wishing I could change something about it; or even about myself today. Like I wish I wasn't such a nerd. I love video games, I've always been smart in school, but it always caused other girls to pick on me. Guys picked on me too because they always think I'm lying until I spew out everything I know about gaming. After I tell them that, they are convinced something has to be terrible wrong with me.
"How can a girl be so perfect?" They'd say. "You're hot and you love video games, what more could a guy want in a girl?"
I don't care about guys, though. They can believe that all they want. I just want to find a nice girl. But with how girls make fun of me for being a nerd, I doubt I'll ever find one.
Is there even another girl out there like me? It seems as if all the girls online are guys hiding behind their monitors for one reason or another.
Unless they are a transgender person, I see no reason for them to pretend to be a girl. I mean it's one thing to have a girl avatar in a game, but it's entirely different to insist you're a girl in real life. It's sort of offensive and makes it harder for me to actually be myself in a game.
Or is that not the point of a game? Is the point of a game to become someone else and live out a different life? Two lives seems like two too many. . . .
Alright, I admit, I'm still a tiny bit suicidal. Don't give me that look, diary, I never asked for your judgment. You could say I strongly dislike myself.
"But why?"
Because of many reasons. I'm sure you'll find out eventually, though the main reason is that I'm a freak.
"You're not a freak."
I'm a feminine lesbian gamer who sees things that aren't actually there. I am a freak.
Until next time,
Rose

Author's Note

First Draft (Second Chapter)

Reviews

[Playing with Demons]

I totally dig that she's a gamer! Legend of Zelda all the way!!!! I can really feel her pain and she's so innocent. Rose is like a gentle feather being shoved and shaken up in a food processer! I'm waiting for the next chapter!!