I Try

This is the first poem in a series of poems I have wirtten for a class... enjoy :)

I Try

 

I wipe the secreted crust from

my blood-shot eyes,

plundered from comforting darkness

into ironic filtering sunshine.

Dead skin cells dancing with glee

leave a bitter residue on my tongue of cotton,

            or maybe it is just the taste of a drunken night

 

Eyes close, I try to hold onto

the blissful nothingness, but

it’s too late and I hear it,

            metal screaming against metal—

                        or was it her screaming?

                                    It all sounds the same in my head

 

 I can see it,

The blinding lights,

the unspeakable terror on her face,

skin and bone propelling through glass,

the heap of her

very still

body

 

Turning from the

offering sunshine, I recede.

 

Into the abyss that is my self-abhorrence

 

 

                                                                                   

                                      

 

 

                                 Until perhaps tomorrow…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Crystal Kells

 

Author's Note

Feel free to suggest anything, I like construcive critisism

Reviews

[Baby Boy]

Awesome write sweetie and I am totally feeling this one! Love the title as well but your words are so powerful! :) Great write sweetie and I look forward to reading more! One luv Princess! :) Holla at ya boy!


-JC-

[thejohnphenomenon]

sensational. you're just what i'm looking for in my contest. Some of your wording could use a little tweaking but the indentations were brilliant. Great job.

[Travis Lawrence]

The guilt shines through. Great adjectives. One suggestion, though this is minimal...

"leave a bitter residue on my tongue of cotton,
or maybe it is just the taste of a drunken night"
-- how about "cotton tongue" instead, and in the second line, sharpen it a bit, by saying "or maybe it's the aftertaste of a drunken night"? I think that sounds better, anyway.

Well done!

[Zephyr]

one of my friends had a good friend die in a car accident this year. it was heart-wrenching.

the format of this poem is good, and it unfolds well. you might want to consider something other than self-abhorrence (it's descriptive, but it's an unusual term).

i like the phrase "ironic filtering sunshine," but i'd probably take out the word filtering. it carries the same impact without it. i also like "leave a bitter residue on my tongue of cotton" because you can practically feel the sensation.

[L.G. Knight]

wow amazing write! nicely done!

~Frances~

[Not Afraid of Bruises]

In my state there have been a number to teen deaths due to drunk driving. This poem touched me, thank you.
You submitted it to Poetic Shorties II, but it's over 100 words and I cannot accept it for this contest. I still loved it - Thanks for sharing

[Princess_ck84]

Thank you :)

[*~Imperfectly Me~*]

I like this poem... i love how you formated it.... full of emotions... and great imagery... Good job!