Daddy's Little Defect

I am still working on this..and it's been an extremely hard piece to start. So tread carefully..

Here I sit, on the edge of something wonderful; yet all I can do is look down upon everything I once had. A tiny little town; one made of memories. Walls made of wishes, so easily burned to the ground. Hopes and dreams fly above like clouds. Looking down upon all the moments that have molded me into who I am today. Retracing the steps that have brought me to where I now linger. I cannot get over this feeling that I am missing something. That instead of looking down, I should be looking up. To the stars, the heavens above. To the beauty; the wonder that lies ahead. I so much want to leave this foundation; this little town that my feet are so firmly planted on. I feel as if I let my feet stray from this spot that I will crumble, and so will my foundation. That if I leave, I can never return to where I am. To who I am. That I will lose this compassion, this feeling. Of feeling all, and nothing. That I am merely a single speck in the universe. And yet, to someone else I might be the world.

        I have high hopes that one day, I might look in the mirror and love the person I see. That I can take that step; the one that will lead me on to greater things. Where I can look back, to see my past; my little town of memories still standing...and be proud of the person I am. To see that my foundation still stands, and that I made it through. To see that even though times get hard, I was strong enough to make it out alive. As a child, I was naïve and looked forward to the future. I admired the ability adults had to make their own decisions. Now, I would do anything to be that girl; so tiny and full of wonder. I wish to be standing back at square one: where others choose every detail of my life, where I do not have the weight of the world upon my shoulders. Where instead of dreading what a new day brings, I embrace each day with a smile on my face and the joy that today is a new adventure starting. I once believed I would be that way forever; happy about everything and smiling for absolutely no reason. Throughout my life I learned that not everything goes your way. Things break for no reason. People you once looked up to become strangers. The friends you believed you would have forever drift apart. That your family can either support you or break you down piece by piece.

        In the beginning, I was just a small girl with bright eyes full of amazement. I lived in a blur of sounds and color. It was not until about the age of 4 that the doctors realized I was born with a hearing loss. I could not hear certain sounds, thus my speech was impaired. Right around the same time, I failed the vision test and got a shiny new pair of glasses. Life became so much more complicated. My once innocent world of blurred existence became a fond memory. I learned to live with technology as my constant guide. I began with speech therapy, which taught me sounds I had never heard before. The world was new to me; in awe I learned that the grass was not one solid thing, but made up of individual blades. And that trees were not blobs of green, but rather hundreds of leaves. What was once static became words and sentences. Sounds attack from all sides. I became immersed in a universe of vivid colors and words. Everything was new and wonderful. My fascination with the world began during this time-and continued on for several years. I had a new found love for music, and life itself.

        What was once a blessing became a burden as I grew older. Life dulled for me. What once amazed me became everyday things. With my technological ears, I could not even bathe without taking them out. I could not go swimming without making sure my hearing aids were in a water-safe container. I had to run to cover if it began to rain. I so badly wanted to go dance in it, but technology kept me from doing so. Although my hearing aids helped me discover the joy of music, they stopped me from using headphones. I began to detest my body for seemingly betraying me from birth. I despised having to put devices in my ears in order to hear. I was taunted in school for being the “Deaf Girl”, on top of being “Four Eyes”. I went from being an innocent toddler to a bitter preteen. I was just beginning to realize who I was as a person, and I hated the fact I had to depend upon technology to do so. As time went on-I began the long process of accepting the fact that it was a part of my life, and therefore, a part of me. The ridiculing began to slow as my classmates, and I began to mature. I slowly began to learn who I was. I began to be carefree once more, but I did not recognize the monster lurking below-I had been oblivious to my parent's marriage going downhill. Their separation tore me apart once more. I became angry and withdrawn. I hated myself, and I hated them for not making things work. I was filled with so much anger and hate that I had to do something with it. I began being a troublemaker-often in and out of detention.