The inevitable

Prologue for the book

                He awoke sometime after soft caresses, manicured finger tips tracing his five o'clock shadow and etching the stress induced creases around his mouth. He wheezed and then cringed as the stench of musk, sweat, and stale blood mingled into his nostrils, a potent cocktail of sorts. When he tried to waft the air, he dimly realized that his hands were tied. Coarse ropes enveloped his calloused hands, binding him to his chair. He struggled to realize where he was even as he could feel the tendrils of the rope cutting welts into his skin, branding him. His blurred vision made notice of dingy walls stained with vomit, and naked bulbs strung on wires before he could take her in.

Red.. red ...he had always appreciated beautiful women and the one before him was no exception. Ice pick heels, a siren red dress that thinly coveted her lush curves.  His vision, although blurry, fixated on her heaving alabaster breasts. By gods, he could see her rosy n*****s budding out and he longed to lave them with his tongue and fondle them with his hands.

His hands… right. He smiled cheekily now, a wide gap toothed grin, and saucily said " well sugar, I've gotten a bit stuck it seems.. let me out and I'll show you a good time doll!" 

His temptress merely tossed her blonde mane back and curved her rose lips as she stalked towards him. He could smell her now, a whisper of jasmine, and musk. Her blue eyes glittered and gazed into his own murky ones. How he wanted her. When her fingers fisted and tugged hard on his shaggy mop of salt and pepper curls, he nearly howled with delight.

Feisty, just the way he liked them, and barely registered the needle pricking into his forearm even as her lips crushed into his. Her kiss left him dry and dizzy. He was addicted to her honeyed depths. He wanted to touch her but his hands would not move. When he gestured for her to untie the ropes, she playfully winked and shook her head no before nibbling on his ears.

Her tongue ..was thorough, coating every inch of his ears and the underside of his jaw. He was so enthralled by her, yet frustrated by his situation. However, it made the foreplay more exciting he had to admit. Finally, she ripped him of his bindings and beckoned to him before facing her back to him. With his eyes gleaming excitement, he took two steps forward, his feet shakily fumbled over the wooden planks and his hands felt limp like noodles as he made a grab towards her.

He never saw her fingers snap and was dimly aware of searing pain emanating from his torso. He continued to fumble towards her in spite of the pain coursing through his arms. Upon the next step, he heard the crackle of bones snapping and glanced down to see a mass of blood, tissue, and bone slipping from his skin. His eyes widened with horror, unable to take in the reality. His flesh was dissolving itself, consuming tendons, and muscle. The pain was bright and blinding, suffocating him. He tried to scream, for someone, anyone to help him.

As she toyed with a stray curl that framed her pretty face, the veins on his neck bulged prominently and he registered blood gushing through his nostrils. She faced him now and smiled maniacally. His eyes widened further if possible before he accepted his fate. When he closed his eyes to peacefully welcome death, he felt sheer agony as her manicured nails ripped through his eye sockets like claws, prying his swollen eyelids open. He could only watch helplessly as she took out a dagger from the depths of her cleavage and stabbed him relentlessly in his groin. Alone and desperate, he confined himself to the inner sanctuary of his mind as she robbed him of even death. Salvation came in the form of a warm and bright flickering light and he embraced it whole heartily. Dismayed, she looked past the pile of the ashes and into the shadows cast by the night.

" Must you interfere " Her voice echoed throughout the bar. The naked bulbs captured red sanguine eyes and a tall sinewy stature, a silhouette of jet black, her partner. He however said nothing.

She pouted and claimed " I was only going to play with him a bit more". His eyes coolly assessed her: her dress, the sparkle of mischief in her eyes, and smirk before his back faced hers. As he strode towards the door, she wrapped her arms around him, pressing her lips to his shoulder blade.

Pursing her teeth over her lips, and looking at him through her eyelashes, she purred" We still have time, what say we enjoy the rest of our night"

 He turned away and replied " I don't mix business with pleasure." His husky voice never failed to crush her knees. She admired his lithe form as he leapt into the rooftops, blending into the night. She would possess him eventually. 

Reviews

[DaughterNature]

Ok, I hate to say this, especially because I know this is one of your first pieces: don't try so hard. I know it sounds strange, but writing is not as 'fancy' as a lot of people think it is. Start over again, even just with one paragraph, and rewrite it the way you would tell it to someone. I'm saying this all after only reading the very first paragraph; the language and grammar in just this small snippet is enough to say 'I'm trying too hard! I want to sound like a writer!' Remember that you don't need to try to sound like a writer - you ARE a writer because you're writing!

The notes on language and grammar are especially important because, if you try too hard, you wind up misusing words, and then it becomes painfully obvious that you're using the 'thesaurus technique' rather than just writing what you feel.

Please don't take this personally, but the initial dialogue makes me wonder how old you are. It may be very difficult to write something that is supposed to be sexual or provocative if you haven't had any experiences like that yet. Remember to try your dialogue out loud - is that actually how people talk? Does it sound convincing? Are those actually the words that particular character would say?

The body dissolving itself is really interesting. However, I got distracted from the good imagery by the confusing detail of her stabbing him in the groin with a dagger. If she's using her nails in his eyes, why is she using a dagger? If his body is dissolving itself, why is she attacking him at all? I understand that you may have mentioned his groin region as another way to sexualize the scene, but it's sloppy and not well placed. Remember that good writing should read without any effort, and seem like it was effortless to write.

My overall impression right now is that I was so distracted by the poor use of language and grammar that I couldn't enjoy or even process the plot. That makes me sad, because I'm so excited to see what you can create. I really encourage you to start over again: same story, but with simpler, better language and grammar choices.

[lemon_zest]

Thank you for your feedback! Guess I need to some r and d then on how the story flows and constructing a believable provocative scene.

[DaughterNature]

I was so worried last night that what I said was too harsh. I really do want to be helpful - like I said, I can't wait to see what kind of plot you develop! It was just, the writing conventions needed a lot of reworking. If you want to talk about/work on specific stuff, you can always shoot me a message!

[Rocans]

Wow, this was great. I dont tell people this much but... you are a talented writer. I found myself pulled in by your words. I must admit, I at first thought I would have to labor through some less than desired writing but as I went on it got better and better. If I would have a complaint, if it could be called that... it is that the font is too small. Anyway, I will definitely be checking out the rest in short order. Kepp writing!

[lemon_zest]

Thank you!

[Anna]

I really enjoyed this, you have an amazing attention to detail and it was incredibly descriptive, allowing the reader to envision exactly what is happening with clarity. Good job!

[lemon_zest]

Thank you!

[A Watcher In Time]

This isn't bad, and reminded me of a scene from Neil Gaiman's American Gods. In that a man is devoured by a very beautiful women in a horrible way, but on to critiques. Please not that most of these will be simply nit picky things I found to need improvement. Take it all with a grain of salt. Places where I felt this could be improved paragraph by paragraph;
1) Here your word choice is pretty good, and I enjoyed how it flowed. However, you set up how the room smells really well, sort of give me a description of what it looks like, but fail to give me anything else. Liven this part up with some kind of color scheme is used by the room, set up how clean the room is (for example, there mold in the corner or peeling wallpaper?, etc.) because that will be a great way to sell the 'seedy' angle you're going for. Finally, give a bit more character description. I realize that the man here is really only used in the prologue but that's no excuse for not giving me some of the basics. What skin color does he have? Hair color? Body type? Etc. Much more than that would really be unnecessary. That's just for me to picture the characters a little better.
2) The pace was good here, with some pretty decent descriptions. Not much that you really need to do here, but I do agree with the others here. This paragraph is super long, and if broken up into two it would make it much easier to read.
3) Here I enjoyed your introduction of that sort of "shadowy creepy guy". It was interesting, but not consistent. In one sentence he has no form, in another he has a shoulder blade. Get that form consistent. Next, that sudden disappearance by the bad guy for next to no reason is sorta cliche. A good way to spice that up is to add some sort of mark or whatever for you to describe, or better yet, just tell us he walks away. Simple as that.
One last thing, double space your stuff. It's just something that makes writing a lot easier to read.

[lemon_zest]

I didn't give much info on the man or victim because he is just one of her many victims. The whole point of the prologue was to show her personality and highlight the relationship between the blonde and the red eyed guy, her partner. The shadowy creepy guy will be more prominent soon, not as a villain though. I'll give him more form though and edit the spacing. Thank you for your feedback!

[luvs2write]

Interesting prologue...the reader was able to dive right into the scene. I strongly suggest breaking it up into smaller paragraphs though. A daunting wall of text will turn away many readers. I was a bit confused with the dialogue, mainly because it was mixed in with the text. Keep in mind that you should start a new paragrah whenever someone new starts speaking. It will make it a lot easier to understand. I think this is a pretty cool beginning! I'll check out the other chapters as soon as possible. Keep writing!!

[lemon_zest]

I will definitely fix the spacing. Thank you for the feedback!

[747]

Your point of view confuses me. Generally, if you are using an omniscient POV, it's easier on your readers if you provide a definite break in the work to differentiate between characters. In addition to that, it is difficult to read due to lack of spacing/formatting.

Also, I assume that later on you will bring in more details of why these events occurred the way they did; but it could really help you to provide more detail of what is going on/why they are there.

[lemon_zest]

I'm not sure what you mean by POV but I will fix the spacing and formatting. Well, I actually planned for this scene to give a backdrop of the two characters the blonde and the red eyed guy. The relationship between the two has a large focus in the story.

[747]

POV = Point Of View. When you switch from the victim to the woman it's jolting.
Great job though! The spacing makes it MUCH easier to read!

[Lizardo]

I do like the prologue that you added, althouth it was a litle hard for me to keep up.
But maybe it only was me, I read it again and understood it.
So far So good, A good introduction for the book and a bit dark I must say, but I've never seen someone describes the scenes you added in their so real.
Nice way to start it!

[lemon_zest]

I'll try to review it - for the most part , everyone's been reviewing on the spacing and line breaks. So it could just be that but thank you for the feedback!

[Silent Wolf]

So, personally, I'm still debating on whether or not this would be considered mature content... I'm kind of leaning towards a yes.

It was very detailed, and I felt like I got into the scene really easily. :)

So, maybe break up the paragraphs and make them a bit smaller? That way it's a bit easier to read. Otherwise, I think it's good!

[lemon_zest]

I guess it's just the spacing I have to work on. I just need to figure out where to put them. Thank you for the feedback though!

[Silent Wolf]

A new speaker.
Imagine it in a movie. Everytime you see the screen change, it's a new paragraph. Like, in a conversation, is see the screen switching between each speaker, aka, a new paragraph.

That's how I do it.

[Obscured by the Shadows]

His vision, although blurry, fixated on her heaving alabaster breasts. You need to insert those to commas! But, oh my, that is a very graphic and vivid story you got going there, a few minor errors, but other than that it is a very excellent piece of writing!

[lemon_zest]

Thank you!

[lemon_zest]

Thank you for your feedback!

[Obscured by the Shadows]

You're very welcome, it is always my pleasure.