Post-June Things (the 7th of June, 2013)

In which I discuss how the challenges went. Also, I introduce jury duty and how I felt about it afterward and beforeward (but not in-betweenward).

Okay, so I just wrote a passage about my daily observations, and I wrote that I would like to get a passage about post-challenge and post-jury duty posted first. I think this is fair enough, although all I can do is hope I have the motivation to either get a good start on it tonight or finish it sometime tomorrow. I think I should have time tomorrow because tomorrow is Sunday and I don’t do anything on Sundays. For the record, I have begun the process of writing this on Saturday the 6th of July. I have just about two hours before it becomes Sunday so I better get started.

 

Of course, you can never rush creativity or the inner workings of the human mind. For example, after writing that previous sentence I sat, fingers at the ready, waiting for the next sentence to emerge onto this document straight from my tired little brain. If you cannot tell already, I’m quite exhausted and I do want to go to bed, but I also want to get this done because I have both the inspiration and the motivation RIGHT NOW and this hasn’t happened for quite a while.

 

That is quite obvious, since you haven’t heard from me since last month. It has probably been about two or possibly three weeks since you have heard from me. Although this is not against the rules, it is against the unspoken, unwritten promise I swore to uphold when starting a blog: I would actually write passages for the blog.

 

So here I am, dead tired but ready to crank out a couple thousand words in order to get this train moving once again.

 

I’ll start with post-challenges since that is what you have heard about.

 

With it being the 6th of July (and obviously that means June has ended) I have finished my challenges. Two of the three of them went super well. One of them almost made the cut but did not. I am all right with this. I didn’t even beat myself up or anything.

 

I did write something on this, so allow me time to try and find where I wrote something about finishing the stupid novel challenge on time.

 

A bit of backstory before I begin that periling hunt, however: About halfway through the merry month of June, I realized I was not going to finish that challenge with the rules applied. I was already devoting quite a bit of time to the long-held beliefs, plus a lot of unexpected things came up while I was trying to finish my challenges. At the end of the day, I just wasn’t written approximately two thousand words a day to reach the fifty thousand mark. However, I thought if I bended the rules a bit, I could still hit the fifty thousand mark without having to write a novel. So instead of treating the challenge as it originally stood (Write a fifty thousand word novel), I treated it as “Write fifty thousand words in thirty days.” And yes, I understand the point of a challenge is to do what it says, but I knew it wasn’t going to happen so I decided to hold onto the only shred of dignity I could find through essentially accepting my fate and giving up.

 

Now allow me time to find what I wrote about finishing the challenge.

 

I have about nine thousand words to get to my goal, and I have about an hour to get those done. I’m already eating away at it.

 

I have a couple of documents I can work on. If I honestly cannot get past my nine thousand word wall through those documents, I will create a new document and start anew.

 

I’d really like to get this done and over with without feeling like I failed one of the challenges.

 

I mean, I did fail the whole novel part of the writing a novel challenge, but I’m not too angry or upset or disappointed about that. I would, however, like to have written fifty thousand words during these past thirty days.

 

I guess what I’m really saying is that I don’t want these past thirty days of sacrifice to feel like it was all for nothing. I really like to feel like I accomplished something during the merry month of June.

 

I’d like to feel like all fifty thousand words were worth the struggle and the challenge.

 

I found that in my long-held beliefs document. At the end of the night, I got to 45,000 words and although I had failed the challenge (even the updated challenge), I still felt good about myself because I tried really hard to accomplish my challenge.

 

The point of these challenges for me wasn’t to show I could win or fill myself with pride because of three declarations I said I would do. Rather, it was to give myself something to do during June, because I don’t want this summer to go to waste. I knew I wouldn’t be spending much time with friends, and my life would pretty much involve working and sleeping, so I’ve been trying to fill it with pointless activities for myself. I tried to clean my room, for example, and for the most part that worked. I try to walk my dogs five times a week. I try to do laundry because it keeps me away from the TV and all of its disappointing summer shows. I try to go to the gym with my sister because why not.

 

And, for June, I tried to accomplish three challenges. And that didn’t work out, but I took thirty pictures (granted, about a third of them were animal pictures, but those animals were right there and they’re cute animals) and I reevaluated thirty beliefs. I also wrote 45,000 words during June, and I’m pretty proud of that, thank you very much. I kept myself busy and I thought long and hard about some things and I was put on the spot to find creativity and inspiration in my everyday life and proceed to photograph it.

 

I’m proud of myself for doing these things, and I won’t feel bad or feel as if I wasted a month. I didn’t waste a month. I spent a month writing about things that matter to me. I spent a month taking some really good photographs. And I spent a month trying to write quite a bit of words, and three different story ideas and several documents about random topics later, I feel good about what I accomplished.

 

And now, I shall discuss jury duty.

 

I actually wrote a document right after jury duty, detailing what I couldn’t really say out loud. I won’t share all of it, but I shall give you a preface, a snippet, and a conclusion of some sort.

 

On the tenth of June, which was a Monday, I was summoned for the jury selection process and while that day was awful and boring, I was picked for jury duty. I’ll share the last bit of the selection process from the document I made on the day I was selected.

 

The judge says that the lawyers can dismiss up to seven of us for any or no reason at all. They don’t have to explain their actions. They just dismiss us and that shall be the end of that.

 

My heart pounds. I want to be dismissed but I don’t. It’s so strange.

 

Anyway, they reach to about 20 of us (they need 14) and one of the lawyers passes his option to dismiss someone. Is this a strategy of some sort?

 

Then the other lawyer group says they pass as well.

 

So we were chosen. 13 others and I were chosen as the jury.

 

What I meant by “I want to be dismissed but I don’t” was that I was a very conflicted person. I had learned that I would be paid fifty bucks a day to do this. I was perfectly fine with that. I would make upwards of like 600 dollars if it really lasted three weeks. At the same time, I realized gas would be expensive. The drive would not be fun. I would be awkward and alone in my age group.

 

And every time the lawyers paused, every time the pointed at their piece of paper with all of our names on it, I thought they’re going to dismiss me next, and it’s going to be so embarrassing, and I’m going to have to stand up and walk out, and that would have been a waste of a day… and then they wouldn’t pick me and I would be relieved and annoyed.

 

In fact, because I was sitting in the first chair, I thought I was going to be the first one dismissed, and when they passed over me and picked the fourth or fifth guy down the row, I was confused. I didn’t do anything particularly brilliant. I didn’t show I was smart or impartial; I had just show I was awkward and terrified. Yet they chose me (along with 13 others), me of all people. I didn’t do anything.

 

Also, I was really confused about the whole lawyer passing thing. At the moment, I really thought it was a strategy, that the other side would be deeply screwed if the defense attorney passed their option to dismiss someone. My head was swimming in conspiracies because I was pumped full of adrenaline and that always makes me a bit paranoid. I understand now that both sides have the option to dismiss seven people, rather than the order to dismiss seven people.

 

If you don’t know a thing about jury selection, by the way, there were 28 seats out for the remaining 28 of us (there were 55 people to begin with), and the first 14 seats of those 28 were the prospective jury. Then the lawyers were allowed to dismiss anyone in the first 14 seats, and then the other 14 people would fill in the spaces of the people who were dismissed. I don’t know how much sense that made, but I understand it well enough so I’ll leave it as that.  

 

I really did want to ask the lawyers once the trial was over why they had picked me, but at that time I was pretty distraught and also we weren’t allowed to talk to the lawyers and also I had blown that chance in the parking lot when they had talked to me �"

 

(Walking past the two DAs in the parking lot)

 

Attractive Lawyer: Thanks for your service.

 

(I wanted to return the gratitude, since he's attractive and also a very good lawyer)

 

Me: Thanks�"

 

(I couldn't think of anything to thank him for, so instead I walked away in mid-sentence)

 

�" and also I had just learned that there was another trial before ours, so I started to realize my place in the world. I wasn’t anything special. These lawyers make a habit �" heck, they make a living �" of picking and choosing who best will get them the desired results. They just thought I would swing a certain way, and I guess two of the three of them chose correctly. (There were two district attorneys representing the people, and there was one defense attorney representing the defendant.)

 

Okay, that’s enough of a preface. I’ll move onto some of my thoughts right after it was over. The entire trial lasted 12 days. Deliberation lasted four or five hours. Guilt lasted about 10 days.

 

And something else you should probably know is that we found him guilty of both counts.

 

(The following will probably sound really melodramatic. Deal with it.) No really, I wrote that on that Tuesday.

 

The first thing I should say is I’m so glad I wasn’t the foreperson. If I was, I probably would have cried. It was terrifying enough to be asked questions about if it was what I really believed.

 

I was sitting there, and then the judge read the verdicts, and the look on [the defendant’s] face, the look on [the defense attorney’s] face, they were just so defeated. I’m sure [the defense lawyer] doesn’t lose a lot of cases. I’ve done a quick search of him online and I found that he has been on a couple of really important cases. He’s well respected and deserves to be.

 

Just the sound of his voice when he was asked if he wanted to poll us, and then if he wanted to ask us anything else �" he was just so defeated, so broken. He sounded so unsure. So confused. I hated it.

 

I couldn’t bear to look at the DAs, but I’m sure they were pretty happy. I’m sure the mother was devastated. I couldn’t look back at her either.

 

And the minute they were read, I realized the severity of what just happened. I realized that we condemned this man. He was already in bad shape to begin with, but now it was real. Now he had a major problem to deal with. I mean, finances can be changed. A criminal record is really hard to change once you’re found guilty of something.

 

And then the judge said he could go to jail. 8 to 24 years. And then it hit me. No, really, I immediately thought, we just sent a man to jail.

 

I just looked it up, and it’s 4-12 years for a class three felony (first degree arson), 2-6 years for a class four felony (third degree arson). We literally sent a man to jail, maybe even for 18 years. Granted, the judge did say that the prosecutors might go for parole, which wouldn’t really make me feel any better, but sending a man to jail, giving him fines…we seriously changed his life. It was so important to him, and we may have destroyed this man’s life.

 

We were handed the life of this man, and we have changed it.

 

We judged what this man did and we decided he did do it.

 

We decided he was guilty, and although I support what I said, I feel so guilty about it.

 

I mean, I don’t wish we said not-guilty, but at the same time, I can still feel guilty about it. I mean, it really was my fault. Well, it was the fault of all of us, but it was partly my fault too. I fought for it as well.

 

I can’t believe I was so certain. I can’t believe I just blindly said he’s guilty. I can’t believe we walked in there and ruined that man’s life.

 

Of course, these are the thoughts of the aftermath, where I’m feeling guilty initially. Perhaps tomorrow I’ll wake up and feel better about the whole ordeal. Perhaps tomorrow I’ll still feel guilty. Either way, I’m having major problems with this right now.

 

How fair was that? How fair was it that I got a glimpse into this man’s life and made a judgment about it?

 

And then how I felt immediately when the verdict was read:

 

I felt hollow, numb, and sad. I felt disconnected and disappointed. I wanted the end to be so much more exciting, yet it wasn’t. It wasn’t like anything I imagined.

 

I told you it was going to be melodramatic, but it makes my life easier as my motivation slowly dies on this night, about an hour away from it being the morning.

 

I guess it’s time for me to start explaining myself and the words I chose to share from that really conflicting night. (I guess, in a way, it’s how it was supposed to end, since I started the trial very conflicted about whether or not I wanted to be there. Confliction started and ended my journey. How poetic and tragic.)

 

I now accept these feelings as the aftershock, after the bomb has been dropped and you’re told to stay away from the pieces you so desperately want to pick up. I was guilty because I believe I did the right thing, although it felt so wrong at the time. I wanted to feel good about myself, since I believe I did the right thing, but through that I felt bad because it felt like I wanted to find something good in a crime, in a trial that took five years to finally come to a close.

 

But I know now that I would have never changed my mind and said he was not guilty. I felt like the evidence was beyond a reasonable doubt. And we were literally told that we were to find him not guilty if the evidence was beyond a reasonable doubt. There was really no way my mind could have been changed, even now. I still think he’s guilty, but I still think I had a right to feel so conflicted about it.

 

Overall, I was very depressed and angry and confused. Those three emotions should never be mixed, because it only leads to more depression and anger and confusion, but I couldn’t help but feel the conflict. I needed to talk to someone, but I didn’t want to share what I was feeling with anyone. I’m much better now, thank you, but at the time I was not doing so well.

 

And I fully support our judicial system and I would be on another jury in a heartbeat, but I don’t think I will be. I think that was my one and only chance to ever help the American government. (Perhaps I shall work for the government later in life and help out then, but you know what I mean for the time being.) In a way, this makes me glad I was a part of this, because if I never get the chance, I’ll be able to tell others about the one time I was on a jury.

 

And, as weird as this may sound, especially considering what you just saw, I really did love being on a jury. I thought it was insightful and thought-provoking and I met new people and I wasn’t a hermit for twelve days and I got paid to learn about arson. That was a neat thing to learn about.

 

I have nothing more to say on the matter on this night. Perhaps I will add more about the things I have in italics, but for now I feel really good about the three thousand words I just wrote down. I got a lot of stuff done tonight. Perhaps I shall have two posts tomorrow, which will make tomorrow special indeed.

 

Stay classy, ladies and gentlemen. And have a most excellent day (or night, whenever this is posted).

Author's Note

Let me know.