Are we caretaking others instead of taking care of ourselves?

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Song of Sol 1:6 “…they made me the keeper of the vineyards; but mine own vineyard have I not kept.”

As I’ve been recovering from major surgery this week, several friends have brought food, run errands, and tried to meet every need I might have. That’s unusual for me because I’m usually the one taking food or helping to meet the needs of others. And the role of “caretaker” is much more comfortable to me than resting and allowing others to help me.

There’s nothing wrong with that as long as I remember to take care of myself while I’m trying to meet the needs of others. You and I can’t dip water out of an empty well, and those of us who love a prodigal or are just caretakers in general often neglect our own needs and give until we have nothing left to give. Then we wonder why we’re exhausted, irritable, depressed or physically sick. It’s not the needy people in our lives who have done that. We’ve done it to ourselves.

If we have a pattern of caretaking others while neglecting our own needs, there is probably a reason for that. Perhaps we should look a little closer at our motives and try to see things from a different perspective. Why? Because it’s unlikely we are sacrificing ourselves without an agenda, often a hidden one…sometimes even hidden from ourselves.

When I’m doing something unreasonable for someone, chances are I’m doing that with some expectation. What am I expecting in return? It might only be gratitude or a change in behavior. But I’m certainly expecting something, and I tend to forget that neither I nor the things I do are powerful enough to make someone feel or do anything.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t help people, keeping in mind that it isn’t helping if we’re doing something the person should reasonably be doing for himself. But we need to do it “for fun and for free” with no expectations if we’re going to do it at all. If we are hurt, angry or disappointed in what people do after we’ve helped them, it’s because we’re expecting something. And if we’re expecting something in return, it isn’t free, and it isn’t a gift, is it?

Another reason we “help” others without taking care of ourselves might be that it’s more comfortable to focus on the problems of others than it is to work on our own. There’s nothing wrong with caring about others or in meeting a need. However, there must be a balance. If I always see myself as the helper and everyone else as needing help, what’s the underlying message there?

The woman in our text took good care of the vineyards of others. But she also neglected her own, which was certainly in need of care. There’s a basic truth there. It’s a lot more comfortable for me to help you work on your problems than it is to work on my own. And it’s a lot easier to see where you need to grow than it is to do the painful work of growing myself.

There might be other reasons we don’t take care of ourselves, and some of them may even be valid. However, we can’t spend so much time “keeping the vineyards” of others that our own is grown up and choked with weeds. And if we do, we have no one to blame but ourselves when we’re exhausted, overwhelmed, and resentful at the people we’ve “helped.”

Challenge for Today: What might happen if we, just for today, took care of ourselves first and then served others “for fun and for free?”