Letters to Susan Part 5: Stop obsessing about your prodigal and how you can fix her.

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Part of this post is my response to a devastated parent who emailed me asking how she could help her prodigal. (Note: Names have been changed to protect the privacy of the people involved.)

Proverbs 31:27 “[A virtuous woman] looketh well to the ways of her household…”

Dear Susan:

When I was young, I used to imagine what it would be like to have my own family and a houseful of kids. The idealistic picture I had was a tidy house, well planned and prepared meals, a contented husband and happy and successful children.

The reality was a busy husband, rambunctious kids, and my stressful job making life crazy. Add sports, choir, clubs and other things that kept me running. And that was on a good day! I did my best to stay balanced and to keep Christ as the center of our home, but it was a challenge.

Then the prodigal…and any ideas I had about balance went out the window. Our lives were upside down in every way, including spiritually. Instead of keeping Christ and family as the center of our home, the prodigal and his behavior became the focus. And how could they not?

Our prodigals are more needy than the rest of our family, aren’t they? And we’re facing this challenge with limited energy and emotional resources. How can we focus on anything else when the prodigal is making our lives crazy? I’m right there with you. But if I’m not careful, I sometimes find I’m so focused on my prodigal and my pain that I forget the rest of my family is hurting too.

Job and his wife are great examples of that. Job had lost everything, and his wife told him he should, “…curse God and die.” (Job 2:10) She wasn’t much comfort, but this woman had lost everything too…including every one of her children. And where was Job? He was sitting in the ashes scratching his sores with a piece of pottery! (Job 2:8) She wasn’t very supportive, but Job wasn’t exactly embracing her and telling her it was going to work out for the best.

When one person in a family begins to act out, the whole family gets sick. And it isn’t just the prodigal who needs us. You may feel like you’ve lost your daughter, but the rest of your family has suffered a loss too. Like Job, we aren’t the only ones who are hurting. And the rest of your family needs you now more than ever.

Proverbs 31:27 says, “[the virtuous woman] looks well to the ways of her household.” We won’t do it perfectly because we’re not perfect even on our best days, and we are the walking wounded right now ourselves. But we can make a conscious effort to reach out to our family and let each of them know they are important to us.

Our other family members need to know they are loved, valued, cherished, and they need to hear it from our lips. They need to see it in our actions and priorities. They don’t need to be compared to the prodigal or to hear that their own decisions are better. They just need to know they are treasured and appreciated for the precious gifts they are.

You won’t be able to meet the needs of your family if you’re obsessing about how you can “fix” Missy. Here’s where I gently remind you that you can’t “fix” her. And if your entire focus is on Missy, you are doing that at the expense of your relationships with Bob and the other kids, not to mention your relationship with God. Because if your entire focus is on Missy, if she’s your first thought in the morning and your last one at night, she has become your god.

Challenge for Today: What might happen if we, just for today, embraced the rest of our family and assured them they are valued and loved?