Letters to Susan Part 3 Stop blaming yourself.

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Ezekiel 18:2 “The fathers have eaten sour grapes and the children’s teeth are set on edge.”

Part of this post is my response to a devastated parent who emailed me asking how she could help her prodigal. (Note: Names have been changed to protect the privacy of the people involved.)

Dear Susan:

One of the first questions people, especially parents, ask themselves when the prodigal is acting out is who’s to blame. As parents, we feel responsible for loving and protecting our kids and for teaching them how to make healthy choices. Are we then responsible for the choices they make?

The Israelites had a saying that the “fathers have eaten sour grapes and the children’s teeth were set on edge.” (Ezek 18:2) It was kind of like our “the apple doesn’t fall very far from the tree.” Through the prophet, however, God said that would not be a proverb any more because He would hold the individual accountable for his or her own actions. And He does. Each one of us, including our prodigals, will someday “give an account of himself to God.” (Rom 14:12)

Two of my daughters overcame some serious obstacles to get their undergraduate degrees and then go on to get their Masters. Both of them live lives of service to others. One is a Christian therapist, the other teaches Special Education. I was there when they received those diplomas, and I was and am as proud of them as I can be. But it’s their name on the diploma, not mine, because they are the ones who made the choices and did the work. And I’m not responsible for my prodigal’s bad choices any more than I’m responsible for the girls’ good choices.

God does expect us to be good parents. But He also holds individuals responsible for their own choices. I know our prodigals blame us. However, I have to tell you that the “blame game” is another excuse for our prodigals not taking ownership of their own choices. While we can’t change the fact that our prodigals blame us, we certainly can make a choice to stop blaming ourselves.

You may have been the worst parent or child in the world, or you may have been the best. But frankly, the reality is that you were neither. Like all of us, you did the best you could with what you had at the time. The reason your loved one is acting out has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her and the condition of her own heart.

Would you make different decisions if you had it to do over again? Probably. I know I would. However, the past goes on the list of things you cannot change. What you can do is be the best person you can be today, and that’s the only thing you can do. And that’s enough.

If there’s past sin you need to confess, there’s a solution for that in 1 John 1:9, which promises us that, “God is faithful and just to forgive our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” So if there’s sin to confess, do it. Then forgive yourself and move on.

Bottom line? Stop blaming yourself and thinking you caused this. You didn’t. You say that you had a tough time as a teen and even as an adult for a while. So what. Our kids make their own choices just like we did. And they have to figure it out. Just like we did.

While we can’t force our prodigals to take ownership of their own choices, we can and we should stop taking ownership of them ourselves. And just like you aren’t to blame, neither are her friends, her father, her…fill in the blank. She totally owns and is responsible for her own decisions.

Challenge for Today: What might happen if we, just for today, stopped blaming ourselves for our prodigal’s choices?