How can I love others and still love myself?

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2 Peter 1:5-7 “And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith…charity.”

Before we look at the two kinds of love expressed in 2 Peter, let’s look at the other four. I’ll begin by saying that none of these is inherently right or wrong. They just have different characteristics. One word that is translated love is “eros.” That’s the sexual attraction of one person to another. It doesn’t really require anything except healthy bodies and hormones. Eros is usually the “love” that leads to marriage, but relationships need to grow beyond that if they’re going to last.

That’s where the Greek “pragma” love, from which we get pragmatic, comes in. It’s about “standing” in love rather than "falling" in love, and it’s about “that which is being accomplished or has been accomplished.” Pragmatic love is a growing love, and it means dealing with things sensibly and realistically…making a sensible choice. It’s what keeps marriages together after “eros” love has faded.

A third kind of love is “Ludus” love. It’s a childlike, playful affection. It’s the kind of teasing and flirting that we have in the early stages of a relationship. It’s also the kind of playful affection we have for people who lighten our spirits and make us laugh. It’s what we share with those people who are just fun to be around and spend time with.

There’s nothing wrong with any of those three types of love, and we need all of them in our lives. That’s one of the reasons we need a variety of friends. One person can’t possibly be everything to us or meet all our needs. And any and all of them can develop into something deeper, more precious and more lasting.

A fourth Greek word for love…and a most important one…is “philautia” or “self love.” I want to stress here that “self-love” isn’t automatically a bad thing. I’m not saying it’s ok for our prodigals (or us) to selfishly disregard the needs, desires, or pain of others because “it’s a selfish program.”

That is absolutely not what recovery, whether from a substance or from anything else, is about. I’m also not saying it’s ok for us to be the center of our world. If that’s where you are, you may need a healthy dose of “get over yourself.”

What I am saying is that loving and accepting others in spite of their defects starts with loving and accepting ourselves. If we can’t forgive ourselves, how can we expect to forgive others? If we don’t take care of ourselves, how will we have the emotional resources to help anyone else? You and I can’t dip water out of an empty well. If we don’t take the time to “refuel,” we’ll have nothing to give to anyone.

Four kinds of “love,” each with its own characteristics, and all of them have value and the capacity for growth. Where are you with them? Are you growing in each of those kinds of love? Most importantly, where are you with self-love? Have you found that balance where you see yourself as having value even though you still need to grow? Are you taking care of the person you are as you work on becoming the person you can be?

Challenge for Today: What might happen if we, just for today, looked at our relationships and worked on showing love to others and to ourselves?