Who's to blame for the things my prodigal is doing?

July 2, 2014: Who's to blame for the things my prodigal is doing? Please "Share" this new Precious Prodigal post: http://bit.ly/1mab49o

Romans 14:12 “So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God.”

The first question people ask themselves when someone they love begins to act out in destructive ways is, “Why?” Why is this happening to my loved one, to my family, to me? And a second one follows…who’s to blame? And of course, that’s an important question, isn’t it?

When I was researching for an article called “Tough Love for Kids at Risk,” I interviewed parents, pastors, teachers, and police officers. They all had this in common…they blamed each other and sometimes themselves. But not one of them blamed the kids who were acting out. It wasn’t until I interviewed some substance abuse counselors that someone put the responsibility where it belonged…right on the shoulders of the ones making the bad choices.

The Israelites had a proverb that said, “The fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the children’s teeth are set on edge.” It was somewhat like our saying, “That apple didn’t fall very far from the tree.” Through the prophet Ezekiel, God told the people He would cause that not to be a proverb in Israel anymore because God said, “…all souls are mine.” And Romans 14 says all of us will give an account of ourselves. Your loved one isn’t going to be able to say, “My Mom…” “My Dad…” or “My anyone else…”

Now wait a minute. Does that mean we don’t have any responsibility for the behavior of our kids or our spouse or another loved one? Of course we do. We are responsible to set a good example and to do the right thing ourselves. In fact, the Scriptures tell us that instead of judging others, we need to judge this: “that we not put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in [our] brother's way.” (Rom 14:13)

We do the best we can at any given time, and that’s all we can do. If you’ve made mistakes as a person, a spouse, a parent…welcome to the club. So have we all. Regardless of your parenting skills or lack of them, it’s unlikely you got up one morning and said, “Gee, I wonder how I can mess my kid up today.” And the mistakes you think you’ve made or even the ones you know you made are not the reason your loved one is acting out.

Two of my daughters have a Masters Degree. When the girls walked for that precious piece of paper, I was there, but no one called my name. And why would they? I wasn’t the one who did the work and earned that degree. They did. It was their choices that earned that degree, and I couldn’t be prouder of them. If I’m not responsible for their good choices, why am I responsible for my prodigal’s wrong choices?

I need to add here that just as you aren’t to blame for the prodigals’ choices, neither is the husband, the ex, the teachers, the “wrong crowd” or anyone else.  The bottom line is that the prodigals alone are responsible for their choices regardless of what they or anyone else is telling you. Not only is blaming not productive, but it’s harmful to everyone concerned, and it’s one of the things we need to lay aside.

Challenge for Today: Can you, just for today, stop blaming yourself and others for the behavior of your prodigal? Can you let him or her own their own choices?