But I didn't say anything hurtful! Or did I?

May 6, 2014: But I didn't say anything hurtful! Or did I? Please "Share" this new Precious Prodigal Post: http://bit.ly/1iRWDXt

Proverbs 15:4 “A wholesome tongue is a tree of life: but perverseness therein is a breach in the spirit.”

I knew she was upset with me, and I didn’t know why. I had tried several times to approach her, but she was not responsive so I walked away hurt and bewildered about what this was about. Yesterday, she asked if she could talk with me privately, and I agreed. She started by telling me, “There’s something between us.” When I told her I knew that but really didn’t know what, she told me she knew exactly what it was.

She then reminded me of a conversation we had at a wedding about a year ago. She had written a book and was having no success in getting an editor, an agent, or anyone else to even look at it. She told me what she had tried, and I told her what the market is like today, why some of the things she was trying weren’t working and suggested she explore some other avenues. How did that create a problem? More specifically, how did I create a problem?

In his book, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen R. Covey lists Habit 5: "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." More important than Covey’s advice, the Scriptures tell us we are to be “quick to hear and slow to speak.” (James 1:19) And when we do speak, we are to “speak the truth in love.” (Eph 4:15)

Somehow this woman and I had totally misunderstood each other. She heard me saying she could not succeed. That isn’t even close to what I meant. Good gracious! I wouldn’t shoot someone’s dream out of the sky. But that’s what she thought I did. She told me she had walked away from our conversation totally defeated and asking herself why I wouldn’t help her. She told me this with tears in her eyes, and my heart was broken both for her and for myself.

I didn’t intend to hurt her, and she’s the one who has nursed this hurt for months. But I own part of it too. Had I listened more carefully, I might have heard the insecurity that is so common among all of us who write. Had I chosen my words more carefully, she might have understood my intent was not to hurt but to help. That “breach in the spirit” from Proverbs 15:4 would be better translated “crushing the spirit.” And from the moment her spirit was “crushed,” she couldn’t hear another word I said.

We cried and prayed together, and I believe we both walked away a little wiser about being careful what we say and making sure we understand what we’ve heard. I’m not saying it’s my job to make everyone…or anyone for that matter…a successful writer. But I am responsible for not crushing a person’s spirit in such a way that they give up on their dream.

Whether it’s what we say to friends, acquaintances or the people we love, our words are very powerful. It’s important that the words we use lift people up rather than tearing them down. While I wouldn’t do it on purpose, I need to be careful of the words that come out of my mouth so I don’t do it at all.

Challenge for Today: Can you, just for today, “seek first to understand, then to be understood?” Can you take ownership of your part of conversations?