Secrets

                Shivam couldn’t sleep that night. His mind was a mess of thoughts. Contemplating all the revelations of the day, life couldn’t be more surprising. We never even expect to meet somebody ever again in our lives, and one day they suddenly turn up in front of us. The most humiliating and regrettable fact is that, we don’t know how to react then. The day before, on seeing Rano, all his pent up anger towards life and what the past couldn’t be, overwhelmed him. He regretted that out of all the multitude of emotions that he felt, the only one he could express was anger. He remembered Rano’s face then and sighed.  There was fear in it; he couldn’t feel more guilty and regretful. She must have thought he hated her. And Shivam had provided all the proof too in the seemingly spiteful comments of his. Only if she knew!!  So many things needed to be put right.

He typed a message and sent it to Rano. After a brief thinking, typed another word, thought for a moment or two before pressing the send button, and did the same.

What would he say to her? What would he explain? Not all things were that easily explainable. He missed the past days when he was open with her, though had his share of secrets. Who knew those secrets would change perceptions.  He couldn’t think of anything to say to her. Finally he just surrendered to a restless sleep.

** * * * * *

She didn’t expect him to be already waiting near the lake when she reached. He looked at her, opened the door of the car and got down. His eyes didn’t seem even the least changed, though they lacked the rage, Rano noticed. But he didn’t smile, didn’t exchange even the faintest smile when Rano tried to greet. Hands inside pocket, he seemed to be bracing himself, hiding his awkwardness. ‘I’m sorry for yesterday, I didn’t mean to be so rude. I was harsh, I admit,’ he said.

Rano felt it was a rehearsed  bit, but his faced revealed nothing. As stoic as ever. ‘It’s alright. I understand,’ she felt uneasy with this formal talk.

‘I don’t blame you for anything, and I hope you understand my situation then.’

‘Thank you and Yes I do,’ I replied.

Silence. ‘So, how are you here?  … I mean in Rajasthan,’ he hurriedly clarified. ‘Um. Research,’ a monosyllable, ’Nandini must have told you.’

‘Ya she did.’ Silence again. He went to the back door and brought me an orchid. ‘This is for you.’ I looked at him,’ Just.. Um,’ he started.. ‘Thank you,’ I said accepting it, before he could say anything. Orchids were not easily available here. I smiled.

‘So, do you still have penchant for teas?’ I asked, as there was just nothing to talk about and silence was awkward.

He smiled. Finally. ‘Yes, I do. But in secret. No one knows about that talent of mine. Nandu would be so surprised if she knew.’ Ice-breaker. J

‘And how are your friends- Myra, Jane, and…’

 ‘Malhar,’ I completed for him. He remembered their names. It was just so good to have him talk, though not like old times.

** * * * * *

Rani Sa sipped the green tea from the cup twice before she began. She couldn’t make up her mind- to tell this lady all the truth or not to; to trust or not to trust. Rano waited patiently savoring the flavor of the tea, but the silence was becoming overpowering every minute. She grew a little impatient, and a bit hesitant too to hear what Rani Sa had to say. All the initial eagerness when she had announced to speak something important to her vanished.

Finally she began,’ I saw you both near the fort. I was passing by after reviewing, and I overheard things you’d prefer I had not.’ My face had reddened, I was sure. I couldn’t handle the embarrassment of the situation. She didn’t seem angry or upset, just firm, almost stoic. She guarded her emotions well. I didn’t try to reply to that, what in the world could I reply, and let her continue. ‘I think I connect the dots. Shivam had been talking of some ‘Rano’ when he came back from Darjeeling,’ she paused a bit,’ when he was brought back from Darjeeling.’ I understood that, now, but with a million questions I’d rather not ask. A part of it Shivam had explained me in the morning, but leaving out a lot of holes. ‘I realized it must be you, as you had your schooling there. It must have been coincidence for you to meet him here,’ she looked at me to confirm and I just nodded in response.  It made me feel a bit indignant. Had she thought this wasn’t a coincidence? God forbid. It mattered to me, what she thought of me.

‘So.. Have you..,’ she was not able to form her words. I knew what was to come next. She paused again to sip her tea, rather coherently arrange her thoughts. ‘Have you still got feelings for him?’ ‘I.. I don’t know,’ I replied truthfully. It has been years, years that I had lived with an assumption, and trying to move on. I had moved on when… ‘Ok,’ her response was just that. I considered it as a cue to leave, so I got up to walk towards the garden. ‘I have something else to share with you,’ she called after me.

‘He was not adopted.’

I stood there for a few seconds, retraced my steps and sat down on the sofa, blocking all my thoughts, to listen carefully. ‘He is Raja Sa’s son. No, not illegitimate, I must clarify, if you are thinking that.’

‘There was a scandal, a big controversy, years back. Raja Sa had secretly married a woman, whom the royal dynasty didn’t acknowledge as their daughter-in-law or his wife. They wouldn’t let him announce the marriage either. Rani Rukmini Devi, as she was renamed after the marriage would live in hiding the only years she had left. She was asked to live in exile in her land, after delivering her child. She was not allowed any of the privileges. She passed away during child birth. Then Raja Sa officially married again. I am his second wife.‘

‘That child is…,’ I spoke trying to get my thoughts around whatever I heard.

‘Yes, it’s Shiv. The people here remember Raja Sa as a benevolent king who adopted him and raised him as his own son. The truth would tamper his reputation. Our hands were tied, we couldn’t go against our elders. About ten years back, Shiv happened to overhear a few conversations and came across a few documentations of history. He knew I was not his mother. His being adopted was the only thing I could say him to stop him from finding out anything more,’ Rani Sa’s voice wavered with the burden. I could feel guilt and regret in her tone. I had seen them pass each other in the palace without a word of greeting. I had never seen them talk. But I was sure each one loved the other, more than they showed.

‘I think he doubts it. I think he knows more. I fear he knows it all. I sometimes can’t bear to face him. I’m not the right one to answer his questions, if he ever comes up with some,’ she confided in me.

I thought why she told me all this. I also had my doubts about my fate if I was wed to the royal household. Rani Rukmini must have been a commoner.

‘Was Rani Rukmini a commoner…, like me?’ I said with a feeble voice.

‘No. .. Some truths have not yet matured to be revealed now,’ that’s all she said.

I didn’t push her further, I needed to remain within my limits. ‘But, .. I mean,.. why are you telling me this?’

‘I knew you’d be in a dilemma. If not now then later. I just wanted to let you know what you are getting yourselves into. I love Shiv as much as I love Shaan, though it may not seem so. If you have to choose, take your time. Make it clear. I want no more controversies in my family. Royal life is not easy; you can’t get away from your actions that soon, you’d have to bear the burden of it your entire life,’ I felt she cared for me. Just a wee bit. Though her voice was stern, it was not commanding.

‘And if you fear your fate here, you need not. What happened to Rani Rukmini was about fifty years back, and under very different circumstances, I assure you. Times have changed. You won’t be treated so. You have already met most of our relatives and acquaintances. I think they already accept you. Just think before you decide anything..’ she concluded.

Finally that was my cue to leave her alone to her thoughts. I rose, curtsied and walked towards the swing in the garden. I had too many things to think about.

Reviews

[Arshia]

I just can't wait for the next part..it's too good! :)

[Jennie Baron]

I'm still enjoying this story very much! You've introduced the plot complication just right and set it up for Rano to be forced to choose... or is some other event in store? I can't wait to see.