Loss

                           Mystery

 

 

While life passes by in a flash of light,

No one beside me, to hold me tight,

To take away my fear, make me feel sane,

To take away the feeling of loss and pain.

 

It's surely a wonder where you have gone,

You were there everyday, at the break of dawn,

You had my heart, my soul and mind,

Now you've dissapeared, and my heart I cannot find.

 

For it is a mystery...where are you today?

For it is a mystery...what did you say,

when you left me alone, in the dark,

for it is a mystery..where do I start?

 

Where do I look for my long lost heart,

It is with you, has been from the start

Now you have taken it, like all cruel men,

now the mystery is..will I see you again?

 

-Dawn

 

 

 

Author's Note

Please tell me If my rhyming needs improving!

Reviews

[Moonlight]

Well to be honest...I liked it!!
Although if you don't mind let me advise you about some places that can be changed...Take it as a critic's comment, not a friend's...
The third line: I understand that brain rhymes with pain, but you can surely think of something better. Poetically, 'brain' is used to denote more of scientific stuff, while 'mind' is used for feelings and emotions. Although 'mind' does not rhyme you can surely think of something else. No offense, but "sooth my brain" really doesn't make sense, as I've said.
"Long lost heart": Um, well, I have a question: did the person who took her heart ditch her a long time ago? The poem conveys that this was done recently, so 'long last' might not be the words you want to use.
Second stanza" You mention your heart, soul and mind, but the man has taken away only your heart. Are you sure that this is what you want to say, the poem sounds like you're upset and you've lost more...

Please don't get me wrong, I LOVED the poem, I just found one or two places that with correction would make it an even better read.

I would list the good points but that's rather difficult to copy down the whole poem.
=)