Loss

                           Mystery

 

 

While life passes by in a flash of light,

No one beside me, to hold me tight,

To take away my fear, make me feel sane,

To take away the feeling of loss and pain.

 

It's surely a wonder where you have gone,

You were there everyday, at the break of dawn,

You had my heart, my soul and mind,

Now you've dissapeared, and my heart I cannot find.

 

For it is a mystery...where are you today?

For it is a mystery...what did you say,

when you left me alone, in the dark,

for it is a mystery..where do I start?

 

Where do I look for my long lost heart,

It is with you, has been from the start

Now you have taken it, like all cruel men,

now the mystery is..will I see you again?

 

-Dawn

 

 

 

Author's Note

Please tell me If my rhyming needs improving!

Reviews

[ljc]

I enjoyed the read very much. I found my self reading it to the rhythm of a song something along Dido's songs. Very pretty.

[Rick Puetter]

Hi Dawn,

First, this is just my opinion. I'm not an accomplished poet. I'm sure there are others at WritersCafe that can give better advice than me. In fact having been here in the "Fantasy Author's Unite" group only a short while, I am quite impressed with the poetry of Lollyst. But my comment on your poem is that it seems a bit stiff. Relax a little and let the language relax too. For example a rewrite of the first verse might go

While life passes by in a flash of light,
There's no one beside me to hold me tight,
To take away fear, to make me sane,
Or take away feelings of loss and pain.

This is only one example and I'm sure it can be wordsmithed much better than this. Anyway, don't give up. The poem really is pretty good. It has great content. I would be very interested in hearing what Lollyst thinks about it. Why don't you drop her a line?

Best regards,

Rick

[Laoidhigh Uilleag]

I really liked the rhyming! I dont think it needs to be changed anymore (since from previous reviews it seems you mite have) :)
It really was straightforward and i felt like i connected it which is one of the jobs of a writer!
Keep them coming! Id be glad to read more!

-

[Enigma]

I think your rhyming is perfect. Even better than mine!!
Lovely write. I couldn't think of anything else when I was reading it. It is so well penned.
I loved it!!! Well Done!!!....^_^

[Justin Tobey]

This is probably some of the best writing I've ever read from a new writer. Your rhyming was almost flawless, and it all flowed very, very well. I'm very glad that Kayla requested I read this; it's going in my favorites!

[Kayla]

This poem is put together beautifully. Your poem has such life but also has negativeity and is just perfect. This is an Amazing Write. Congrats. I can't wait to read more.

[Dawn]

Thanks for all the reviews, everyone!!
They've helped alot!!

[vishal kashyap]

I have read your poem as well has gone through some reviews. Poem has clearly been written from heart. Its good but brings a feeling of loneliness and sadness. Keep writing and your expressions can be more powerful. You will surely improve.

[Greg the Bard]

There are types of poetry and this one is really good. The title you give as the heading are different. I don't understand why you would do that. The body of the pome is wonderful and it give the reader a sence of forlorn love. The rhyming is wonderful. This work is border line prose. The rhyming keep it steady and holds it as a pome. You should try prose {For that matter try everything} There darkness to this work that the readewr will pick up on. For example "like all cruel men". Secound half of next to last line. It's hard for me to allow myself to be grouped in with all the men that have hurt you. This type statement is broud yet to the kpoint.That is hard to do in a pome. Well done. I like this read and will read more of your work

[Leah Elisabeth]

I enjoyed this poem. It is well written. I agree with the previous reviewer that brain is maybe not the best word to use in a poem like this. I also think your flow could be a little better. You might want to experiment with different rhyming styles. Perhaps if you only rhymed every other line it would flow a little better and then you wouldn't have to find a rhyme for pain!

Regardless of these little suggestions, I really did enjoy this poem. Good work! You have a good poetic sense and your imagery was clear. I definitely felt your loss. If you could get your poem to flow a little more, it would be perfect.