Angelus Mortis

This piece is part of my appreciations to morbidity and ghoulish tendencies.

Wake me 
from my slumber
Call my name 
Forsake not 
my grave

Sing a sweet 
lachrymose lullaby

Let darkness 
take over
Risen corpses 
in glee
My soul 
be enslaved

Author's Note

This is my first post and it's all too shaky. Please read on, comments are appreciated.

Reviews

[Glen Yumang Manese]

I'm going to just say revise this a bit... for readability... something like this:

Wake me
from my slumber
Call my name
Forsake not
my grave

Sing a sweet
lachrymose lullaby

Let darkness
take over
Risen corpses
in glee
My soul
be enslaved

Gives the verse, a sense of flow and the reader can ease into the write... IMPO... of course... you can do whatever you like... your words...

[Mariya]

Now that's a good recommendation. I have to agree, this one is a bit unpolished. I'm still in the process of playing with words and rhymes and oh the measures. I'm working on another version. Thank you sir. :)

[Sami Khalil]

Short but powerful...Bravo..................:)

[Rocans]

Nice combination of words. It sounds alright thus far. My only humble recommendation is that the last line be inserted closer to the second line since the final words rhyme. I am looking forward to the polishing and extension of this piece. :)

[Mariya]

Thank you. I'm gonna work on that note.

[Androglossia]

Intriguing. Guess I'm gonna read more of you.

[Androglossia]

'My heat swells with joy' sounds sexy to me:) Or is it heart? Whichever, walang anuman!

[Mariya]

lol. 'Lemme repost that :D (keyboard palsy eh?)

My heart swells with joy. Salamat binibini :)

[Androglossia]

The unedited version sounds better :D

[Mariya]

lol, not sure if "the heat" really swells but yea, there goes nothing. :D

[Androglossia]

"heat" can be subjective & the mind is creative so.. lol i'm kidding. Nuf bout the heat:)

[Samuel Jack]

Very gothic, reminded me of metal lyrics. I could imagine screaming these words.

[Mariya]

Smiles smiles. Thanks Samuel. Never thought of this one as a metal song verse. But now that you've mentioned it, I just changed my playlist and let Cradle of Filth, Amon Amarth, Arch Enemy and Dimmu Borgir take me again to the labyrinthine world of death metal. :) That rocks, big time!

[Samuel Jack]

Let the power of rock guide your dark heart oh Queen of the night!!

[Mariya]

Let's roll! :D m/

[zainul]

This piece takes me to the environment of grave and frightens me.
Nice work.

[Mariya]

Thank you. :) Death is as interesting as life.

[zainul]

You are most welcome.:)
I agree with you that Death is as interesting as life.
You may read my short story "Last Home" if you have time.

[Mariya]

Will do. :)

[zainul]

:)

[Matt]

Short but interesting. Certainly gives a mournful feel or perhaps even a goth feel of a vampire turning a victim. I like it and hope to see more of your writing, keep it up. :)

[Mariya]

Thanks Matt Yea, I am that obvious heh. I'm fascinated with the Gothic subculture. Hope to see more reviews from you too. :)