The Bitter Woman On Happy Lane

The most unpleasant woman in the most pleasant neighborhood on Earth exercises her unpleasantness

 

“The Bitter Woman On Happy Lane”

 

There once was a very bitter, angry old woman who lived on Happy Lane: the most magical street in town, or so they claimed (though, Singing Inanimate Object Boulevard could give them a run for their money).  Her name was Esther and the neighborhood children claimed that she was a wicked witch, who had lost all of her magic powers, thus making her so very bitter.

                Esther lived alone in a small, gray house that stood out like a severed finger in a Caesar Salad among the other, more brightly colored homes on Happy Lane.  This, however, was offset by the magnificent garden that surrounded it.  It was her one joy in life and she was absolutely fixated on it.

                It happened that one spring morning, she woke up to find large piles of colorful goo littered about her precious garden.  Upon further examination, she found these to be piles of Crayola crayons covered in a foul-smelling, brown, sticky substance that made her want to wash her hands.  She shoveled them up and threw them away.  ‘Damn kids!’  She thought.  ‘Littering up my garden!’

                The next morning, she awoke to find that the same thing had happened during the night.  So again, she shoveled up the gooey crayons and threw them away.  This went on for almost a month before Esther decided to stay up late one night and catch the neighborhood children in the act of littering in her garden.  She readied her shotgun and once night fell, she hid in the bushes, lying in wait for the little b******s to show up.  ‘Now remember, Essie,’ she reminded herself.  ‘Maim, but don’t kill.’

                She ended up nodding off, but luckily, around midnight, she was awakened by the sound of fairy-like giggling:  it was the children.

                “FREEZE!”  She exclaimed, jumping out from the shrubbery, and pointing her shotgun in the direction of the laughter.  What she found was not what she was expecting: instead of the local neighborhood hooligans, she found a morbidly obese, multi-colored pony.  It screamed like lady and shat itself in fear of the old woman.  It was then that Esther realized where the sticky crayons had been coming from, as the fat pony dropped its manure onto her garden.

                “… JUST WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?!”  She shrieked.

                “… I… I …”  The fat pony stuttered, displaying a high-pitched, cartoonish voice.  “I just wanted to eat summa your delicious turnips!”

                “I THINK NOT!”  She aimed her gun.  “PREPARE TO EAT LEAD!”

                “Hold it right there!”  A young woman’s voice called from afar.

                “What?!  Who’s there?!”  Esther’s attention turned away from the colorful, morbidly obese pony, who shat crayons and towards the person who was now addressing her.

                Up on top the garden wall, silhouetted in the moonlight, stood an attractive girl, striking a dramatic pose.

                “I am Secret Agent Rainbow!  Champion of talking animals everywhere!  And I won’t have you harming Sir Fatsalot!”  The young woman proclaimed.

                “YAY!  MY HERO!”  The fat pony exclaimed.

                “… What the hell are you talking about?!”  Esther, bewildered by the bizarre turn of events, questioned.

                “Quiet, you wicked, old crone!”  And with that, Secret Agent Rainbow leapt from the wall.  “FLYING KICK OF DOOM!”  She did a graceful and theatrical kick, first to Esther’s hand to knock the gun out of it, and then to her chest, knocking her back.

                It was then that the old woman’s magical powers were reawakened by the fury that Secret Agent Rainbow had provoke within her, and so she threw a bolt of lightning at the obnoxious girl.  Rainbow dodged it, however, using a number of exaggerated cartwheels, flips, and dance-like maneuvers.  She landed on the back of Sir Fatsalot (the morbidly obese pony).  He sprouted wings and the two of them began to hover above the ground.  Rainbow held out her hand to summon her magic wand.  It was a gold rod with an iridescent, heart-shaped jewel on top of it, and a miniature gold tiara on top of that.

                She cleared her throat, and then called out an incantation. “Candy-Coated Heart Burn!!!”  She waved the wand around histrionically before pointing it directly at Esther.  Nothing happened for a long moment, and Esther was beginning to think this melodramatic magical girl was just acting like a fool.

                “… What the f**k was tha—” But before she could even finish her sentence a giant, chocolate-covered meteorite crashed into the garden, right on top of her, striking her dead on the spot.

                “YAY FOR SECRET AGENT RAINBOW!!!”  Sir Fatsalot exclaimed.

                “I know, right?”

                And that, children, is how Secret Agent Rainbow rid Happy Lane from the grips of Bitter Esther’s oppressive crankiness.

 

[end]

Author's Note

This is my tribute to Sailor Moon. I loved that show when I was a kid and it began my long-standing love affair with the magical girl pseudo-genre.