I Cleaned Up by Myself

This piece is inspired by an article that I read in The New York Times titled "Writing Your Way to Happiness".

Within the article that inspired me to write the pieces I am sharing with you it was discussed that creative writing about personal experience in your life can not only help you cope but also help you see the situation differently. Having been going through a rough patch in my own personal life I chose to give it a try. The article suggested writing exactly how you feel at the time about a certain situation in your life. I wrote "The Original." This piece gained it's title so simply; this is how I was originally feeling about the situation I had been dealing with.

I then wrote "The Edited". The version of "The Original" after I read it and had some time to reflect my feelins and my actions to the situation I chose to write about.

My goal in doing this exercise was to see if it worked and for me it did. It not only gave me a sense of relief but a sense of mindfulness and how I might be able to handle a similar situation should it come up again.

 

 

The Art of Letting Go

I once read a piece on how creative writing personal stories of ours can help us to cope with certain struggles and help us to not repeat the same behaviors. This is why I am writing this to you. I am sharing a personal experience and I want to edit it once I’ve finished and see the results I come up with. This makes me anxious; I am excited and nervous to see where this will go not only in writing but in my personal life as well.

I started talking to this beautiful human being recently. He was strong, successful, handsome, a good husband and a wonderful father. The “Total Package”: right? Upon our initial conversation we kept things friendly and simple. I sympathized for him in regards to a marriage that was ending; he poured his heart out to me. I thought I was doing the right thing by being an ear to listen as I have struggled with relationship issues in the past myself. I did the wrong thing. The more we talked the longer and more frequent our conversations became. I ended up finding myself in love with this man despite his situation. I thought I was doing the right thing by accepting him despite the situation that had been created by both him and his soon to be ex-wife. I did the wrong thing. The more I accepted his situation, the more I learned. The more I learned the more ideas and opinions on the matter I developed.

The time would come that his career would bring him home for a month. We made plans to see each other as often as we could. I thought I was doing the right thing by being patient and understanding of the issues he’d be faced with when he got home. I was wrong. I was underprepared to say the least. We met one time: the day he returned home. We hugged, got some coffee, had a brief conversation, and said “I love you”. “I’ll talk to you soon”, he said and was the end of our meeting.

Things between us ended as quickly as they began. Abruptly all attempts to contact me were stopped and I was left asking “Why”? I was told that he didn’t want to pursue a relationship at that point. I was completely crushed.

I spent days and weeks trying to reason with him as well as myself. At some points I would find myself being ok with the outcome of things to other times being completely enraged. How could someone tell you they love you multiple times a day and just without warning cut you out of their life. I tormented myself trying to contact hoping for some sort of resolution. I thought I was doing the right thing. I did the wrong thing. The constant attempts at trying to get an answer from him with no response hurt me more.

I asked to be friends with him again. I was told that the pair had decided to reconcile. After all the hurt I felt in the weeks leading up to this, I finally felt free. Free of the burden of their issues that they created, free from worrying about him and his children. Free from wondering if I’d ever be good enough for him one day.

I thought the pain would never end and it did.

 

The Art of Letting Go

I once read a piece on how creative writing personal stories of ours can help us to cope with certain struggles and help us to not repeat the same behaviors. This is why I am writing this to you. I am sharing a personal experience and I want to edit it once I’ve finished and see the results I come up with. This makes me anxious; I am excited and nervous to see where this will go not only in writing but in my personal life as well.

I started talking to this beautiful human being recently. He was strong, successful, handsome, a good husband and a wonderful father. The “Total Package”: right? Upon our initial conversation we kept things friendly and simple. I sympathized for him in regards to a marriage that was ending; he poured his heart out to me. I thought I was doing the right thing by being an ear to listen as I have struggled with relationship issues in the past myself. I did the wrong thing. The more we talked the longer and more frequent our conversations became. I ended up finding myself in love with this man despite his situation. I thought I was doing the right thing by accepting him despite the situation that had been created by both him and his soon to be ex-wife. I did the wrong thing. The more I accepted his situation, the more I learned. The more I learned the more ideas and opinions on the matter I developed.

The time would come that his career would bring him home for a month. We made plans to see each other as often as we could. I thought I was doing the right thing by being patient and understanding of the issues he’d be faced with when he got home. I was wrong. I was underprepared to say the least. To top things off, I set aside my wants and my needs. Thinking eventually one day they would be met.  We met one time: the day he returned home. We hugged, got some coffee, had a brief conversation, and said “I love you”. “I’ll talk to you soon”, he said and was the end of our meeting. I knew that was the end but I couldn’t admit it to myself.

Things between us ended as quickly as they began. Abruptly, all attempts to contact me were stopped and I was left asking “Why”? I was told that he didn’t want to pursue a relationship at that point. I was completely crushed and at that point was ashamed in myself knowing I had got too involved. I got too involved with someone who was never mine. I knew that in my heart prior to meeting. Again, I just couldn’t admit it to myself.

I spent days and weeks trying to reason with him as well as myself. At some points I would find myself being ok with the outcome of things to other times being completely enraged. How could someone tell you they love you multiple times a day and just without warning cut you out of their life? I tormented myself trying to contact him hoping for some sort of resolution. I thought I was doing the right thing. I did the wrong thing. The constant attempts at trying to get an answer from him with no response hurt me more. I was sabotaging myself. I didn’t have enough respect for my own wants and my own needs.

I asked to be friends with him again. I was told that the pair had decided to reconcile. After all the hurt I felt in the weeks leading up to this, I finally felt free. Free of the burden of their issues that they created, free from worrying about him and his children. Free from wondering if I’d ever be good enough for him one day.

I thought the pain would never end and it did.

As much as I’ve come to admit that I wasn’t doing the right thing here, I am now strong enough to see that. I know my value and what my love is worth. For a year I’ve been preaching to my friends and potential mates about how I’m not datable at this time and how I have to work through my own issues. I contradicted myself and I made a mess. A mess that I was left to clean up alone. I’m glad I got to clean it up alone because I know now that I am lovable when I felt for so long that I wasn’t. I’m glad I cleaned it up alone because it allowed me to see that I am ok by myself. 

 

Reviews

[Michelle Coleman]

Hi Portia. There have been a few forbidden fruits in my past as well, so I can relate. I applaud your writing endeavor. I find it to be a healing process also.

Are you looking for a review, or an empathic ear? I know how personal this kind off reflective writing can be and do not wish to step on any toes.

I am not certain what you learned from this experience. What I learned from mine is self respect and self love. The Whole Package does not come with a third party. So respect for the other, The Original, is paramount. I do not wish to harm anyone in such an act of betrayal. Especially knowing what that feels like. Separations are complex, confusing, ever changing and volatile. Trying to stick my foot in prematurely never ends well. I want a man who wants me for me, not because he is looking for a replacement or a plug to fill the void.

When we pursue men who are unavailable, we are telling ourselves that we are unworthy. Ask yourself why you convinced yourself that you were doing the right thing at the time. What were your intentions beneath the lending ear?

These are very painful experiences and they always lead down the same road. Separated or not, the man is still attached to someone else in some form or another. He is not respecting anyone in the situation. Himself, included. I have had a few of these experiences, so I guess you can say I was a slow learner. Or maybe it just took me awhile to figure out that I deserve more from life and men.

I am glad you have been able to move on from this experience. Hopefully you won't need a second lesson.

[PorciaJones]

Thank you for your thoughts! In my second attempt at writing the piece after reviewing the first one what I learned was I already knew this was going to happen and I was in denial. My gut kept telling me to stop and I got burned. I learned that I am strong enough despite all the hurt I endured and move forward with my life.
Yes. I am looking for reviews as I have a personal blog that I've started in hopes to strengthen other women in seeing that "we've all been there" and to lift each other up through our endeavors instead of putting each other down.
I can't wait to read some of your work!

[Coyote Poetry]

A very good story. Left reader with strong thoughts and some wisdom.
" I’m glad I cleaned it up alone because it allowed me to see that I am ok by myself. "
Hard to see a clear view when surrounded by sadness and disappointment. But we must. Thank you for sharing the powerful story and words.
Coyote

[PorciaJones]

Thank you very much!

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome.

[SuspectGray]

Glad you found the strength to finally stand back and see how you benefited from letting go. Stay loveable. ( : O )

[PorciaJones]

Thank you! I will remain lovable, it's who I am.