Lord, Messed up Again

Lord messed up again

Forgive me Lord

Lack of knowledge

All the excuses

I pondered

To justified not doing the

Very thing your word says

Now I forgave

I loved those who I forgave

Knowing full well their mission

To tear me down was not going to stop

It was hard not to react back at times

Forgiveness and loving  was

A hard process when I knew they

Did not plan on stopping

How long did I cry out

Please Please Lord show me what it is

I am doing

Or I am not doing to make them stop

How many hours mornings and nights

Were wasted praying for their restoration

Watching for it

But never seeing it

The one thing I failed to do

Was to renounce the very evil

They insisted upon doing

Despite  what you said

I thought I could forgive and love and pray

That was enough

I did not say many times

What I had forgiven

Or even told those I forgave

Out of my own reasoning

Human reasoning which was driven by fear

Yes I messed up cause

I failed to tell those what it was they had did

I failed to confront them for their wrongs

Yes some I did confront

Only to have them sneer with a justification

For their wrongful actions

How could I go to those who had more power and authority

And say you hurt me

When and how you did this

Please let’s reason and find a way

That you wont do these things

Ah always worried that my silence may have

Encourage that behavior towards another

Then to hear how I somehow deserve it

Whether it is justified which it was not

Is not the matter at point

So I sit and wondered now with places and people

Am I to say anything to them now

Even if to let them know how they hurt me

Soime will say well you apologized for your actions

When I fell and responded in a way

Not like you I did apologized

Their forgiveness did not

Nor did I ever believe they were right

I know some will claim that these things did not happen

But I know you know they did

Forgive me father I messed up

I did not renounce the evil

Maybe this is why the evil grew

With each action being worse than the next

Forgive me father

For even now I am apprehensive about stating the things

That were wrong

Did I not truly forgive

Did I not truly love

Did I not truly pray or were those prayers laced

With not wanting the ones restoration

Hmmm but now I see not saying not responding

To the wrong things

Is not the answer either?

Yes forgiveness happen

Yes I do love those

Yes my prayers for others to let them know about their behavior was sincere

As well as praying for their hearts to be soften to receive the seeds

That would allow them to heal and grow more into

An image of you

Forgive me father

Cause in wanting to self-protect

I hid from the enemy

I did not renounce his manipulative ways to

Cause others to act in ways

That depicted him, unveil his actions

Forgive me father for my hesitation even now

To confront the evil

Things are easy now

Not having to deal with hurtful deliberate acts

But I see now that what I must do is

what I should have done a long time ago

Then the forgiving the loving the praying

Would not have been as tedious as it was

The tears would not

Have been something expected

But would have been of joy seeing those

Who sought my demise find the keys?

To become

Transform more

to reflect your love

showing others the kindness of the Lord

helping them to heal rather than to cause harm

Forgive me father for not knowing

Not doing what I needed to do

Before I forgave

Please give me the strength to move forward now

So I can do9 what it is I needed to do so many times before

 

 

 

Author's Note

This is a work in progress. I think there is another poem that I have to write but I need to get passed a few things maybe to hear the whole poem and put it in words.