When it begins

A poem about the beginnings of a PTSD episode

When it begins

Many have not a clue of what it is like

All of a sudden feeling a rush of emotions

Not sure which way to go

Feeling like something is about to choke the life out of you

Sometimes it begins with the shakes

Uncontrollable shakes

Not knowing why you are shaking

Realizing quickly reality is falling away

breath  in slowly

Trying to grasp the present

Never wanting to go back to those things

Praying pleading please just stay locked up

In my heart in my mind

Wanting to stop the shakes

Wanting to stop the next step

Feeling the numbness

And seeing everything spin so fast out of control

Knowing they will not understand

Hearing all the excuses run through your mind

Their excuses of why you are like this

Only if you had more faith

You know God not about fear

Ha but you never ask for this fear

Never ask for this feeling of hopelessness

 This feeling of despair

 Not even knowing what it that invaded your spirit

 To cause all of this

 God knows but fails to move to take all of this away

Fear

If that is what it is

Oh no the darkness threatens again

So you hang on

Distract Distract Distract

Maybe you can sidetrack the thing from coming

a sense of separation from yourself

All you can do is scream inside of yourself noooooo

Not again not again Please stop not again

Don’t want to go there

As the things that cause it

Just as scarey as the reactions to it

claimed if you knew what caused it it would stop

But thats a, lie

Just don’t want to remember it all

distractions are not working

Thinking you  can control the things about to occur

You reached out

to grabbed something anything

and Make it stop

Then in the quiet of your own place

 Try to bring it back

Cause maybe it is not a lie

If you remember it will stop happening

Or at least control when it happens

for a long while it stops

Only to feel it happen again

When you least expect it

Shaking for no reason that you can fathom

it begins

Feelings of overwhelming fear hopelessness

Nothing you can do but breath in

Distracting, feeling anything but the feelings raging inside

Reading letters backwards to clench the present

Anything to stop it before it goes into the next level

Always fear it will trapped you

 in the memory this time

. not be able to find the way back out of the darkness

The pain the darkness overwhelming sense of wanting to run

Despair nothing can be done

Happening again

So it begins again.