wanting to cut again

Wanting to cut again

thought  i was passed this

worked so hard to feel

the joy of living

out of the blue

feeling from childhood returned

not sure what caused it

but felt the impact

looked  at my arms

desperation overtaking me

no it’s not like that no more

where this  feeling come from

oh gosh way back when

i know the fear

the trauma

wanting to scream

sitting there trying not to be notice

if i just cut myself

pain will stop

won't hurt so much

knowing how I am hated

emotions won't take over

Physical pain  nothing

compared to noone careing

from before i tried to take myself out

oh I remember the first

only nine thought no more cutting

just die let it end

everyone happy

no more me

then I can be in peace

no more pain

stopped before i succeeded

maybe i switch into a different dimension

so I tried again

letting the cutting happen

maybe find a better way

maybe tomorrow will be different

tomorrow came

embrace my life

what a joy to live

so why did the feeling return

after all these years

why do I feel the yearning 

to just cut once more