Now That I Think I Know

Now that I know (I think)

you're cheating, still sneaking, (lying...)

 

it's not the act or the fact

you decided to do it

without me, (although

you never did ask)

 

it's not the deed in itself,

a hail-storm throughout my skull,

the image of two

sex-religious-sexual-worshippers

sex'ing

crucifying themselves in 69's,

square-shaped limbo...

c***s and limbs

third-legged penetrations

thickening the time...

 

no, what hurts the most

is how this conversation shifts

toward two

enthralled in pharmacuticals

(drawerful of incidentals)

 

I am only an audience

        a crowd, just

        a disgruntled fan

of a tennis match, in a court 

of volley-of-words

(then cut to)

           similarities,

           shared experience,

              to favorite things, (p***y-willows!)

        and showing off the intelligences of,

the big vocabulary and commonalities

secret speak

        of subversive, submersed secrets in your eyes

(secretions from lies)

 

the slight brush of fingers

a message in a touch,

pushing oils

            burning

     and water pipes,

a quick lick of the lips.

slick.

yes.

 

clever, boys...

 

because I'm too doped up

                    too slow

                    too blind ?

                    too weak

                    too stupid even

or simply too clueless to notice ?

 

the non-verbals

the flirting undertones

of hidden dicretions

     this sweet new admiration...

 

It hurts more

to see it now,

watching it live : men rass'ling

in the crystal mist of lusting

(your past is busting in

         the door...)

 

it hurts more

to witness the puppydog-eyes

not looking at all at me

 

intrested in this fresh intrest of an intresting

 

life story chapters,

accomplishments

raw pride

for the other

am I

(being)

schooled...

 

Because I is too ig'nant

                    too dumb

to even care, to pay attention

or maybe just too hurt...

(did you consider that?)

 

because I am loving you now

by not saying a thing

 

not accusatory

or embaressingly

placing my feet in my mouth

wouldn't get me anywhere anyhow...

 

but it hurts still / realizing /

like a strange hollow sorrow

         sucking

the air from my lungs,

unable to breathe yet i abled a smile

 

love is heavy in this moment

 

revelations      draining

my soul's essense, motivation for living

my life

like a tsunami

destroying all I have built

and wanted

       afloat and slowly sinking....

 

but i am loving you now

 

in my sad smile

         fake furrow concerned and twinkle of my eye,

         deaf to twenty questions

fishing if the truth was slipped out

from the in-betweens

of how the two of you

(sounds of salivation piercing me inside)

                         twice entwined in one  (rocks to my glass house)

a hundred more times multiplied by two

 

(just shoot me now already!)

 

the two - (hundreds of copulations here)

lying, weening

     how once we were

(kittens with their new tongues

preening)

 

once in the beginning

love scenes

in the newness of us once

 

but i am still loving you now

recalling that connection

            (which I notice now

like a scent of pharamones

--every horny dog can sense it)...

 

...i am smiling

all the while

dying

inside

       knowing now

                     how love is murdered,

(by numbers) by pride...

clouded, jumbled by

drugs and love of love

newly

sprite

(by selfish - my drug) losing sight...

 

but i am loving you now

      i am

needing to be...(now)

 

(and like me, you can't see... love should never have to speak...)

 

 i say nothing, but

            inside

 i weep... this is how i am

loving you now.