THE RECLUSE (CHAPBOOK #3)

THE RECLUSE  by: Butch Decatoria

A Chapbook of Selected poems.

TRAVELER

I am an eagle with wingspans 
Of impossible delights 
Who argues with it it's flight 

In a sky without the light 
Incapable to be free 

I am now a ghost 
Here reading poetry 
It's living years: 
A breeze through eyes 
Filled with tears 

A gargoyle pacifying all fears 
Past the night 

This is a wish, a kiss, deep 
A hopeful sigh 
Hands bound, fingers clenched 
For Love to deliver me 
From here/now 
To a place called perfection 
Infinitely 

I am fish/sparrow 
Swimming in the in-between 
Looking to always see... 

No end to the ends 

Sunrise and free.

INDIFFERENCE

...a brief farewell 

dismissive and brusque

the outdoors as grey and serious

we sit across from 

one

another

demure & indifferent

as time between

colorless

bleeds

the collosus

of our silence / becoming

a book

we master to read...

THIRST & HUNGER 

Oh hollow Thirst!  

How it drowns life's liquid scenes,

All trenchant memory now

dries the tongue;

When recollection swims with dire aches

In the stomach lingering

Deserts 

once oasis-providence:

              the ease of us

              sifting with the sand

Minutes limpid between caress

Creation our chalice overflows

Quenching in and each other

Love for water

As the hours go touching vastness'

Opening us / heaven's sky

Illuminating in you

Assuage and succor...

But I am drought and man

Flesh heavy / crawling through

War's searing hills

Chafed of what made me fearless

A Traveler discarding haste,

Still Thirsty for those palm trees’ shading moments

Still just pictures of bodies felt yet still feeling

It is as though affliction’s game

To wait

Between search and weaning

No swift elixir

I am just a bare tree leaning

for love's rain...

 

This Thirst is deeper than remembering

The drink that once was Us.

Hunger........

Halcyon: bathing in your adoration,

Nothing so sinful, or miniscule, as to need

Redemptive rinses and the spirit

 

When we were

As what we only knew how to be

Ourselves yet together sharing feasts

Which we lay out for each other

Ceremonious only through having its discovery

Knowing to trust in this (which is between us)

 

Oh How to feed the hunger I have longed for

Softer than the dew on skin

When we have the outdoors with our mischief

 

Attentive as the grass when we look within…

 

These eyes that pierce me now

Understanding / how my breath shivers

With the slight tips of tender fingers

Through a body famished and weakened,

 

Needing

 

The food from in between kiss and spark

On a smile that shares heaven’s glee

In each other’s sensations, feeling the answer

Rather than being told to eat

 

Reverie of wines tasted, the lifting of all things

To a memory, yet not having the full course

Of dining with serenity, finding that destiny

Has yet to begin

When love was the race I was questioning

And kindness supposedly as human

and dreams came true with happy endings...

 

Hunger can make the world seem cruel

When we give up on searching for meaning

We ourselves make

The feast of meals

with our believing … 

AGAINST THE BRICKS

Gigolo leans 
Against the bricks 
Gotham gothic walls 
Left thumb hooked on a pocket of his 
Faded denim jeans 
Right hand caressing a carnation 
Steady 

Ready to go 
Mr. Gigolo in a James Dean glow 

Mean 
Black leather jacket 
Shiny slick like 
Ghetto pothole puddles 
Wet lacking rain 

Only street lamp 
Spot light 
Backstreet dangerous 
Gigolo leans with 
A flower for Ms. Green 

Come hither squeeze 

He waits 
There in the fallow 
Glow 
Another shadow 
Against the bricks 

Graffiti Canons spray paint art 

Masterpieces 
Within living scenes 
Cool as concrete rain 
Patient as an evening breeze 
Passing moments 
Smiling face 
Honest pain 
Poetry is 
Gleaned 

Art full in appreciating, 
In his gigolo lean 
Art in the noticing 

This 

Living dream...

ONCE (SUBSTANCE)

Excitedly I say once,

"if love was a substance, if only

some sort of word, concrete

rather than heard in song made wispy & absurd"

instead bold in your face apparent

a freakshow, cirque du taste

such theatrics (once) our lips

 

film noir of your thrilling face

 

Undeniable you

unabashed like a growth to your left

a mole on your kind skin

red lipstick puckering miss Monroe

eyes that ooze dreamy

how I always noticed you (once)

saying "Ooh look here, this is love"

pointing to that dot

 

but i know love is more than

a tiny tiny blemish (Marilyn's coy mole)

as beauty marks me

with what was quick draw and newly raw

touch with much whirling

such were we

openly exposed to

 

Love : Effulgent

what things of wealth imbue

matters more now

than that truth

golden glow not many know

what we felt suns dawning woe

 

so wretchedly loudly

made so obvious / where we partook

if briefly donning heaven in a look

 

hold on my arms - keep hold

i say to what was once

love now as heavy as you're letting go

now doubt is lead

as I remember saying

"look here -- once, this was love"

where stands my shadow

as I regret

not informing you : "should of kept your eyes open

during the fall

should of kept honest is all"

 

If only love to you

was of some real substance

beyond misty hours

something like the prose of rain to heartache

empty like open doorways of us before

because once is now

no more.

RED BALLOON (Desire)

Remember when

every touch

      with all its intention

a kindness

      Tender like our lips

      at first kiss,

deeply

in one another's eyes

      seeing with feelings

      discovery past the weight

      of fevered flesh,

a dervish flight

through those walls

      layered with doubts as heavy

      as the stones

we now turn our hearts into...

Remember when

every word

      was lovingly spoken

uplifting wisdom

like feathers, wings:

      the soft music of our mouths

      when life is floating

lanterns

and we briefly are a/part

you have me

     

soar...

And when we're as one

whole, a hearth warm,

and nude

      those wet silences

      of the undulating music

                      times we demure

our mouths still drinking, singing

instilling lessons

      within depths / the heart's thirst

which only absolute certainty

      calms and quenches...

keeps alight and so on

carrying on

      knowing tomorrow will come

      yet when with you I am new...

even in the dark

a star shines

Remember when

in the break of morning

      when eyes open from trenchant sleep

      (better than adrift or hollow)

remember how stunning the view

      inhale surprise waking life's wonder

even a/part the wars pain and riot

fearlessly I say

                depart and drink

the rain

         freedom love

sky and eyes

will awake...

        

And if we have yet to meet

since I know

      Truth and believe in Love,

when I fall for you

      Thank all the heavens, vast

I fell for you

      I will fall up...

Because I remember

now

it's you

      Lovely loving love

who fills my very cup

floating in the drink

of us.

(God how I love you.)

SPIRIT-WALK

                  

                   Panacea

               Predestined

                        Predetermined manifesto

The Mother’s womb where spirit blooms

Instinctual wonderment

 

The kind are almost extinct

Wish and their screaming wings

To stars moon dreams…

The loneliest finds wisdom

Northward believing

So gains his willful strength

Being

            A “Self” beginning

                        Un-scrawling secret

Once lauded in lament

Gone are its notes

And perforce coins’ anarchy

Collects in its place pockets full

Full of glory beauty

Accounts rather for star gazing,

Advice when consideration

Glows

Knowing now a purpose in

In the Truthful

Journey

Destined

            Fulfilling

                        Lesser roads to constellations

                        Worthy of ghosts memories din

                       

Renderings from every heaven

                        In evenings the stars destiny is written

LIKE AHAB ON MOBY DICK

Epic… currents in a frozen heart, tales, obsessions

A wrenching, unfreezing this

 

     Molten summits of emotions

     To know one’s own deepness’

One’s own submariner seas

 

How to breathe in it

     Darker trenches / the uncharted

Abysses alien to airy rowan cliffs and breeze

 

The cold of its lacking breath

 

Open sky, song of suns

 

Warmth of flesh & perception,

     Certainties

     Tides

     Symbiosis

From icebergs of inexperience

To thirsts quenched

 

As Droplets

     Borne from glaciers

     Dancing ice,

Adrift

Rinse

 

Worlds, mine

     Like ships in the night

     Silhouettes in passing

Upon romancing

     Skyline starlit moon

 

 

For the shadows since

Denied doubtful, falls

     Journeys now I choose to suffer

Thaws all these

 

Fears

 

In winters noose

And from loss of strength

Such hearts

No longer sharing

    Meiosis breaths

    To sail on its truth

Accompanies no one there

 

Now singing sirocco

Aye aye captain

Across the vast places

     Frozen with no names

     And arctic from blame

     Map-less voyages

Ahoy, Sir Loneliness

Ashamed

To Desolation go

 A life cage,

If mine

Banished

     On Tundra of time

Stalactites this

 

My unfreezing

By simple choice, sublime

Captain kid again, all mine

 

Joy the light

Truth my life

 

My whale of a ride

Epic.

ALONE

unfolding

I am mornings before the dawn

unveiling

crumpled bedspread sheets a hollow space

where comfort once found

your slumber deep

 

I find an echo of your breath

 

as my tears interrupt

a yawn a stretch

and trust feels like a home invasion

a rape save for the flesh

 

I am a trail of moisture

upon the cheeks, the search

throughout a graveyard home

yielding empty halls,

bleak,

of no fruition... a tomb.

 

I am the ache within this mourning,

with harsh and sordid

imagination

roaming as thoughts of you

in someone's fever

slice again my veins to open

unleashing avalanche  

of shadows

wrenching shivers...

I am the home now unkempt

the dust on portraits

in sepia's gloom

the sound of barefooted clapping

on hardest wooden floor

 

a room lacking conversation 

without a care

of why or whom

 

I am the strength which wanes

the more waves punch

the cliff and shore

as my reserves begin to drain

collapse into bed and pillow lay

 

I am the hope which cries

to only stay

pray and dying 

in these

sobs of promises not bade

 

I am a tomorrow

of love unmade ...

I have been blind told to

break...

 

I am alone

since all of our yesterdays

when you romance your secrets

with escapades

 

I am the hush that must escape

never knowing

all the facets of every face

unfeeling

replaced

I am a violin

from some distant space,

 

a wish

i yearn to say

 

display my tears out loud

and loudly ask you

love me

if just only

for the sake of today

 

for I am

lonely. 

for I am the light

at night unfolding...

TO SPOON THE MOON

I make smiles from shattered eyes

cry December's distracting frost

move my soul with hopeful sighs

and pray our devotion is not lost

 

It is the eve of renewal's glee

gave sad promises to spoon the moon

but in the haste of glass we freeze

pose with strangers who fill our room

 

sweat bemoans my reaching hand

your eyes are vacant with his lust

he bids the hours by your command

we smoke our feelings into dust

 

this boy is weak yet worships you

opens darkest gates to breed

now enter light that stirs, confused

my tears to scream still go unseen

 

i am a wish of hearts refused,

the sound of fallen poetry...

PAINTING (LOUD MOMENTS)

Love is the exquisite pain 

The poetry of sultry rain 
The unison of our breathing 
Fogging the windows 
Before the hollow sirocco moan 
That paints cold grey lonely 
Hallways 
A dim pomegranate 
Velvet red 
Sorrow 

Bloodied 
Walls of the new moon 

Even now in memory's whisps 
How exquisite the frame 
Picturesque recollection 
A Polaroid for the finality of farewell 
Just us / ghosts now 
Without / but dust / once was 
None-such a void / dilates 
Can emptiness be 
Felt 
Enflagrante cold 
Inflamed diminishment? 

Seems the loud moments remain 

And I notice there is a shadow 
Sinking in his seat 
Nostalgic Hermes in yesterday's flight 
Winged feet ready to run from defeat 
Luckily sleep ends him 
Before too deep his weeping 
Drowns reason in its thundering 
All intention deigned 
Defeated slump 
No dire aches 
Mumbling 
To a corpse heavy mind 
Lacking a fleet of feeling to combat self hateful 
Blight 

Gone in the gloom 
Which is palpable like the taste of smoke 
That carries warning signals to the sun 
Going 
Gone 
With the will o' whispering past 

Yet shadows are forgetful in dreams 
As we are sleeping to wake 
In beaming 

Waking to hope 
Live The dream 
If 
We have tomorrow 
Seize the day 
So 
We will see 
Now 
Memory echoing from touch 
Our bodies quake... 
Inspired much 
Hearts rush 

And still the loudest feelings remain 

An old painting in its frame 

Our art the exquisite pain 
As heaven continues to pour down 
You and I remain 

Our Love our loudest moment : 

Canvas to frame/ 
A window and the rain... 

THE STAGE

We ran to the beach 
Through the night's navel, lichenous 
Inflated by escape and the new 
The rush, sensations 

Like the brevity of laughter 
Of mischief, of youth 

We leave the light it's peeking eye 
To this meditation of surfers 
Sparring with willful waves 
Puppets of the moon 

And wax, upon fingers of monsoons 
Should the tides ride it's might 
Thus fly to god's white laughter too soon 
At least been atop the world 
With wings of sunkist sails 
Dreams unfurled 

Hurled toward the awe of life 
Completely free 
And as one with CHi. 


I am perched on the shore 
Longingly in song (pulled along) 
I know why I sing 
Because I belong 
Tho' a grain of sand to everything 
Now just a set of eyes 

Audience for the world and skies 

Belisimo ! 

I applaud as fish and man fly 
Nod as the sun sets the stars to night 
As in twilight to midnight 
As the moon smiles 

Bravo! 

Through the belly of the unseen 
We have crawled 
Now we are in the poetry of awe 
Watch onlooker as the stage curtains 
Paints it's strokes 
Blood rose clouds and deep 
Blues from burning 
Pinks 

Magic show in a wink 

This deserves a standing ovation 
I lift both hands high 
This must be love 
I cannot deny 

Some kind of wonder 
Full of infinite and muse 
All epic and classic 
Watched without shoes... 

In all these things 
Time and motion 
(In a seashell) 
Listen to the ocean. 

THE LATE BLOOM

remember that puppet that you were

who thought himself

a real boy

still only a boy

remember

like the perusal of hate mail

postal telepathy

like flipping through cellophane 

photo albums of many names

distant / detached / unmarred 

remember how you had

not known

then, floating on airs

ig'nant clueless willful

constantly fair

a pebbled garden

self / sacrificed fool

still only a boy

and like all in their youth

selfishly optimistic

a wide bellow

for the world and untoward

night

still 

this life's / tangled 

strings

(tug & pulling)

with Geppetto's fermented footing

precariously nimble

and that boy was quite...

agreeable to a fault

happy to oblige a fly

yet something else 

had its gravity 

(pride for tiger stripes)

and taunt

there within : an invisible string

to keep true

be mindful

be cool

(nimble thimbles' cool)

searching  but not...

you will know when you found it

you, perpetual student

open 

as the rain

always with awe

dismissive of the drowning 

a real boy

living the lessons 

of life (Kick ball change)

carrying its weight with 

style & a smile

always in all ways in awe

quiet ripples of a dragonfly

on a pond

in a pebbled garden.

STAINED GLASS 

Broken pieces shape

the cathedral of your soul

stained light still shines true.

LOTUS FLOWER

Morning star burst bloom

Floral crown on tranquil lake

She walks on water.

ENNUI

An aging blind man at the florist's 
Recalls his vision, his statue'd youth 

Here, the sensation of scent 
Is a meadow of heartache 
When days were alive as a bouquet 
Excited to go see his love 

Alas when sight was fragrant... 

He carries lilies out the door 
Old and blind 
A man holding memories 
Of bright befores... 

Alas when sight was fragrant. 

EMPATHY

Bronx in the rain

slick city stones somber gloom

late afternoon

overcast blues

     Navy leaves in tinsil sheen

     midnight hues and sapphire

     where jazz becomes a dancing shadow

beneath light post misty

gold.

Outside the bricks are bricks

but down there

lovers' tight embrace

in the fallow showers

catch all eyes keen to PDA 

as well as mine 

 peculiar

while traffic whirls 

loud as blacktop and oil slick roads

heavy as gutter water hitting cement

time stands still

lovers hallmark 

wet in the gills

frozen 

a snapshot a banksy a monet

raindrop brush strokes

chaos maelstrom

reality rivulets

while I am dry

inside

at a pause / intently intensely

watching

This reminds me

how it must of felt / now

in this emotion

by mere feelings 

reminiscent

wordless script

scene not heard

                            dwelling...

I am dry inside

looking down

yet how I drown when they kiss

drowning 

without.

Empathy.

PARADIGM

The heavy dust from dry summers

Selling Chiclets inside the rim of a sombrero

 

Tortured attire of woolen rainbow

Poncho pleaded to appear a lowly vagabond

 

By an uncle who seeds alleyways

Clothed in his tequila stench;

 

Instructed by an aunt, obese from endless

Refried beans and Uno-Vision sopas,

 

“Chiclets! "at the top of your lungs, mejo!”

Louder, as the weight of the dust"devils possess

 

His voice : a squeaking version of itself,

Coughing at the same spot " in Tijuana’s

 

Miserable, the invisible, at market,

Dirt in his tears, no longer noticed too often cried;

 

There is no need to pretend how lowly

Or dirty his juvenile face has smeared :

 

A clown of earthen make-up, in misery’s portrait

To example the tender, the precious,

 

Have been left to pander for love at sale,

A paradigm of angels, fallen with their truths,

 

Deep into formidable fate’s hell

Here, he is not above the silence

 

But he must live in it, live to tell;

How wishes often are made without a well.