How My Flame Became My Love...

A stupid story of my chaotic insane mind

What have  i done?!

i hear your sweet voice, it drips in grief

i have cut you, cut you deep

i never meant to hurt you my love

i shall die in your arms and you in mine

Not now, not like this

You tell me you’re no good for me

Darling you’ve got it backwards

i never did deserve your love

You saved me from black waters and kept the demons at bay

To you i owe my life i would gladly give

 

i hear your voice now it’s harsh almost frightening but dear you’ve got to tell me what’s going on

Simply wishing i could hold you; throw my arms around you and tell you i love you

Because honey you’re my life, you’ve got my heart in a box marked forever

and i’m never letting go of that promise i made to you

 

Your voice now it’s sincere as you tell me one last time you love me before you say goodbye

and with the troubling promise of “no matter what” the line goes dead

And i feel all the grief and terror i had swallowed down come washing over me as my body quivers trying to hold back my screams, only pitiful whimpers escape me as the tears fall slowly to my pillow

Curled in a ball, my covers pulled tight around me, and muscles tense

my eyes find the candle i had lit just after you called the light from it dim now, and i see your life, the flame is you…your heart…i cannot let it go out!

Silly though it may be i cannot pull my gaze from the flame as it dances and flickers and dims

And as i look closer at the glass holder it’s in i notice the liquid tinted red and think of your blood spilled out on the floor, i try to push the image from my mind

Laying there, now still as stone hardly breathing even, no tears in my eyes just a wet spot under my head i feel nothing just staring at the flame, it seems i’ve forgotten how to feel, how to cry, wondering if i am the one who has died should i not be worried? balling my eyes out? begging God to fix my mistake???

i whisper through the dark, to that flame i now see as my love, i tell you i love you, that i need you, asking you to never leave me

 

i shudder in fear as i envision the flame gone…smoke billowing from where it stood and myself screaming in terror, scrambling for my lighter, for the phone to make sure this absurdity was simply that and that you were indeed alive and safe

Then again, in an instant, all emotion is gone from me…feeling dead, i stare at the flame still burning on the table beside me, i sit up and pear through the now clear scorching liquid, and see coals from the wick and….a tiny piece of notebook paper, i could swear it has a small heart drawn on it in red ink

 

A breeze blows across the flame sending it lashing wildly about, barely hanging on to the wick, and the fear rushes through me again as i reach out to protect the flame, but as quick as the breeze, it’s gone again

 

Time drags on, my eyes remain fixed on that lone source of light, my darling

i notice the metal plate at the bottom of the candle becoming more and more visible, i can’t let it burn all night, it will go out…it can’t go out! i begin to cry again asking God to protect my one and only

 

i take some time to calm myself, writing these words, then find my notebook, pulling from it my favorite picture of you, i hold it by the flame to see your face, but a little too close leaving a forever reminder, black on the corner of the page

Then from my notebook i pull the poem you wrote to me, reading over it a few times, and placing it back in the notebook i leave open beside me, on my bed where i now lay

 

11:26 feels more like 2:26 of course, i have a habit of thinking on your time

i’m sure it would make no difference to blow out my candle and go to sleep, still i just can’t

The flame burns taller again, as the wax burns out, lighting the room and the flame dances to keep my attention

i say a prayer, whisper i love you, blow out the flame and lay there thinking of you

 

Author's Note

Lets not make a habit of this okay love? Written 11-20-08.