Little White Lie You Call me

A diary entry from 3-14-08.

i realize now that no matter how badly i want to be me
i can't
and no matter how badly i want to be somebody else
i can't
i must be me
but me is not aloud out in public
so i wear a mask of smiles, and other such lies
though sometimes you may see, my mask becomes transparent
why, you may ask
well it's because me greatly wishes to be seen
she's been invisible for oh so long
she's gotten weaker, and feels she can't go on
she gravely needs to be held, but she has no one to trust
she's scared, and is quite sick of hiding
but i cannot let her out
nobody would understand her
and even fewer would want her
even i hate her at times
she can be such a fool

perhaps i should let her speak for a moment.

                i just want to bleed
                to know i'm still alive
                to show you my pain is reality
                but i can't
                no matter how badly i want you to see me
                i still fear your criticism
                oh i press the blade in my skin
                but no blood
                i can't press hard enough
                not with these trembling hands
                a few scratches from my razor blade
                not even enough to feel
                little pink welts
                will be gone by morning
                and it seems my cries are in vain
                you do not hear them
                am i not screaming loud enough?
                or do you simply not wish to hear me?

oh she'll try screaming louder
clawing at i, her little white lie
though i doubt you'll hear her
i doubt you'll see her
even still
for you're too wrapped up in your perfect little world
where people like her are a taboo
with her spiritual imperfections
and craving to be loved
though art so much holier than she
so call her a child
call her a fool
pretend you can't hear her increasing screams
but when those screams go silent
with her final shriek echoed in a gunshot
don't you dare say you never saw it coming
she's been trying to tell you for years
will you hear her before the silence?
...i pray you do

Reviews

[Mystery Girl]

I wish I could be someone else!

[Jay Ray]

You should always be you!! Good poem!

[LacyBug]

Wow! I totally loved reading this! You have put so much thought into the poem! I enjoyed reading this and cant wait to see what you bring next! Thank you 4 sharing!

Lacy :)