Digging for Dirt

Wrote this at 4am after 3 nights without sleep and was bored and listening to Immortal Technique and Kanye west.

I will dig no more graves,
As I now dig for dirt.
I bury my past,
With another body

This world we live in,
If you call this living,
Can no longer be safe,
For we no longer listen

A young boy can be shot,
For no reason, except,
The colour of his skin,
Because he was born black.

So now I ask myself,
Why wear Jesus pieces
If this still happens?
I never know the answer.

I pray every night,crying
Listening for an answer.
Yet I still stand here,
Digging for dirt.

Reviews

Dear Poe
You have a terrific title here. First verse pulled me in, then it seems you lost your start. Try not to ever use lines that have been said so many times (ex: if you call this living).

As for the feeling in the poem, there have always been unjustified deaths and it seems these will never end. All you can do is be the best example you can. I think what we as individuals believe and how we live matters.

You must dig deep into these kinds of issues and you will.
Best
Hattie

Poe
Not to be a pest, but one last thought. Did you ever look at your work and read only the first words, or only the last lines of each verse, the first lines of each verse, etc.? You might try this to improve flow. Each line should roll effortlessly into the next. Here is what I saw in my suggestion from previous review:

I pray every night
Crying
Standing
Digging

Standing is very important the way you are using is as it illustrates waiting, lack of comfort/rest and lots more. I could go on and on. Then the act of digging takes on endless meaning. If you want another example of pulling out lines to see how they flow, develop and support each other, take a look at my poem "Kissing Lesson" and read the second line of each verse by itself.

Hattie
The only rule: Writers write! Everything else is a guideline.

Poe
Thanks for your review. I had another thought on this. Ending is very strong, just needs a bit of streamlining.
Suggestion:

I pray every night
Crying for an answer
Standing (not here, something descriptive of your state of mind, longing, etc)
Digging for dirt (multiple meanings of this line create a powerful ending!)

Hattie

First of all we have no rhyme, and a barely passable rhythm. While having no rhyme scheme is a matter of choice, the laout suggests it should. You could move the line breaks to a position where they place more emphasis, rather than in a regular pattern.

The rhythm is more of a concern. I tend to dislike freeform because they have no rhythm, and can be reduced to a whiny sounding monologue when the line breaks are removed. Thankfully this isn't the case here, but it does you no favours to disregard it completely. I rarely find a poem I consider good that has no rhythm.

The content... Fairly short and not overly descriptive, with missing bits of punctuation. Now, the opening stanza caught my interest; it sounded a bit like the narrator was about to tell his life story, similar to how Rime of the Ancient Mariner opens with the Mariner doing the same. So, I was somewhat expecting a story leading up to the narrator's current life, possibly even leading to a no-win situation where s/he finds themselves burying a new corpse every night. Sadly, I was disappointed. To be fair, I set these expectations up myself, but it was your opening... Dialogue, I suppose, which created this mental image.

Actually, the poem seems a short comment on people's ignorance and something about racism. As Satan Kid correclty points out, this was a problem in the 60's. We are not in the 60's. I can't speak for everywhere but from what I see hate crimes are few and far in today's world, so instead of an interesting biography I get a dated, vaguely defined comment on racism.

At the end, I'm left not entirely sure what it is the narrator actually does. Presumably a gravedigger burying the victims of hate crimes, but if that's the case then I don't understand the first stanza. It sounds to me almost as though the narrator has lost his empathy. It seems to say "I don't care that I'm burying bodies any more, I just dig holes." I suppose a gravedigger might eventually feel that way after working the job a while, but I don't see why that should be the main focus of the poem. The poem then becomes "There's racism in this world. I used to care but now I don't". I suppose I could interpret this an an elaborate comment about how people desensitize to racism over time, but that's really not your style. Even if it WAS intentional it's buried quite deeply, and requires the same level of thought I've applied to the poem just now. A quick, casual glance over make the reader wonder about desensitization.

Well... Without knowing your intent I don't know what to make of it. If it's a poem about racism, it's not a particularly good one. If it's about desensitization, I'd take my hat off to you for subtlety, then hit you with it for burying the message so deep. There's room for improvement both ways. If it's something else and I've missed the point entirely, you may call me an idiot. Either way though, I can't quite work out what you're aiming for so I don't quite know what to say.

[Poe]

Thank you!:)

[J.E. Stroud]

A powerful piece...