Reflection

There was a time when I loved myself

And because
She was me
And I was her
I loved her
The way we put our hands on our hips when we approached new people
The way we took our flaws and laughed them dry
we created magic in our diaries and our faces were solemn stones
And no one can get ahold of us
The way our opinions alter
when we could not give a s**t about the topic at hand
And when we do . We build up a wall of defense and slowly it crumbles and we give in.
The way we fantasize and romanticize
We exaggerate and saturate
We envision ourselves as the perfect being we can. When we know we are flawed
And food is the enemy
Yet the best friend
We hang to our chests so we can feel our heartbeat
Or maybe because the collar is choking
We love to play in the world we create in our mind
And we keep ourself busy for days on end
When we are confident we can change the world
And when we r not we shut down and lock our skin in our flesh
But that was long ago

And now the ship has sailed
The train has booted
And My legs are feeble
I am not in love with the person I am
I see my reflection
In her
In every move
In every word
And every breath
And I cannot look at myself
So I cannot look at her
Every time I look at her I see the failure I am
The unhappy beast. That is my bones
The desolate mammal that is just taking up space on earth
Not giving or growing
Or connecting
Or even enjoying
I'm so sorry
I am trying to fight it
But I do not love myself

So I cannot love her