"Ma, look what I did"

A poem about...well...my mom.

"Ma, ma, look what I did ma.  Look what I did to my hands, I broke 'em.
You gave me the stone, gave me the chisel, didn't say how to hold 'em."
This is the heading of a letter to Yvonne Welch.
Mother of one.
Dear Mom,
I don't know where I am anymore.
I say I write for myself, but these days it seems like I'm writing for a spot in your eye.
It seems like my attempts are monotonous.
I can only hear smiles anymore, echoing in the distance.
You always brought up that you don't have any pictures of me smiling...I guess it was bad timing.
Because I know so many people who do.
Mom, what do you want!!!
It drives me insane!!!
I guess it's not all your fault.
After all, you've never raised a child, not like I can expect you to know how to.
This is the beginning, of the Never Ending Story that will be carved into my skin with the edges of broken frowns.
And fading ink that smells a little something like tears.
Mom...I have one question...where?
Where exactly are you in my life???
You say you try, but....I don't know anymore.
The benefit of the doubt skipped out the door a few years ago.
My soul is lethargic at this point, and I don't think there will be any waking up to brighter tomorrows.
You know, it makes me mad.
The stuff you let happen to me.
And the fact that I keep loving you.
They say treat others how you want to be treated, an eye for an eye right???
Well, I'm missing both so maybe it's because I can't see right...well you still have both of yours, so tell me...where have you been?!?!
They say the definition of insane is repeating something over and over again expecting different results.
Well apparently I'm f***ing maniacal because I keep trusting you!!!
Through the torment and abuse;
you!!! You've created a masochist!
So come on, black and blue my face!
Does baby look pretty mommy?!?!?!
Am I your idea of perfect yet?!?!
Can you stand to look at me NOW?!?!
Look at me now!!!
Look at me and watch me break under your arms.
I said watch me break!!! inside of your arms.
Watch me splinter our blood;
so that I can hug you with cerebral palsied arms.
Because it hurts to be normal anymore.
Snap my spine and choke me with the wasted "I love yous" so that I can sleep, curled, next you like I used to.
You once told me you wanted to slit your wrists, it's OK...I slit mine so you don't have to anymore!!!
I Rapunzeled my veins so that you can climb to brighter days.
I go to sleep at night, with the dream catchers you bought me knotted at the split ends of my hair, hoping that better days will seep from my imagination and in the morning I can wear them in the shoes you paid for so that I'll have that pep in my step that you never gave me.
But it's not about me.
I just want YOU to be happy!!!!
Mom...I just want you to be happy.
And if I don't make you happy, I guess I'll fade, just like the grudges I've held against you.
But know, that this letter will water mark broken hearts that ricochet through generations of fractured hugs.
And it will never smudge, like the few good memories I actually have left.
Mom, I never meant to be a burden.
I...I never meant to be your son.
But as far as it stands...I still love you.
Whether you believe it or not.
"Ma, ma, look what I did ma. 
Look what I did to my wrist I slit it.
You gave me a razor, gave me a reason, and just watched...as I did it."

Reviews

[Broken.]

Wow Christian, this is amazing and beautiful, and although some parts are sad, I can really feel the emotion and passion in this. It kind of reminds me of a song.. the last few lines there. Somehow you have reached a sort of soft spot for someone like me.. My mom isn't the best either, but they can only try, some, more than others....
I wrote a letter like this once, it started off with "Little Did She Know.."

[AK]

Really nice poem! Brilliant title and creative topic to write about. Keep writing!

[♪GetUse2MyMelodie..]

Wow, this is just out of my words. What ever I could say wouldn't give this poem any glory. It was ruining, it was incredible and moving. I can feel your difficulty. so personal and you made it into beauty, even if it's pained beauty. Powerful, it almost made me cry honestly.

[the-One-with-the-Darkne..]

I love this! Very good. You are a very incredible writer!

[J.M]

Wow powerful stuff. The anger, self frustration and hurt is expressed beautifully in this poem. The line 'You gave me a razor, gave me a reason, and just watched...as I did it' is extremely potent. Well done!!

[Jennifer Pennington]

Wow, i almost cried reading this

[Steven Norton]

hah! love it! absolutely outstanding! it's sad and yet it's almost inspiring. it does have it's way reaching to the audience on a personal level and i like that. reminds me of myself some.

[Simple_mee]

This is so b'ful ... Deep thoughts reflecting so easily here. :)
Am at loss of words ... Ur writes amaze me !!

[X]

this is my favorite line ("Ma, ma, look what I did ma.
Look what I did to my wrist I slit it.
You gave me a razor, gave me a reason, and just watched...as I did it.") deeper than words can describe dude

[X]

difficult, i can relate. thats why i do not try to please people, i am no longer a puppet :)