ECCLESIA: Episode Zero: "Rise"

This is my new first chapter, which is actually the ending on the book, however, there's still a lot that's not explained so don't feel like its going to ruin it.

ECCLESIA

Episode Zero: "Rise" (Prologue)

The world collapsed one pillar at a time. The Final Surrage was only the beginning of a series of tragic events according to the Suns that circled a wide sky. The Sun that rose in the east beamed as the brighter and earlier star and marked the beginning of a thirty minute gap for the dim west sun to follow. I once paid them little attention for they were meaningless to me in all ways except the telling of time, but now I marveled at them and their dim glow, their troubling beauty and life a representation of unanimous beings that I had yet to comprehend.

"Kaze," I called the name of my last and closest friend. "Do you really believe what your sister explained to us?"

The wind whispered a strange lie as Kaze finished collecting water from the red river, commonly referred to as the Scarlet River, and the only river to my knowledge that ran wild throughout the known land.

His false smile came and went. "Serenity, all we can do is pray that things make sense one day."

The wind followed Kaze as he sped passed me, my eyes following him into the single roomed cabin at the rivers edge. He slammed the door just as troubled, if not more, than I by the accusations his defiant sister had made. I wrapped my arms around my chest, and turned my attention to the river for a distraction. It's copper banks shriveled at the horizon with a stream of deep green leveled above it. The large volume of water, its surface full of rippling detractions of the red and orange stones at its bottom, weakly pulled me in its direction like old magnets no longer capable of gripping a metal surface.

My eyes hardened to a gray spec of movement just beyond a protruded stone. The pit of my stomach shrunk, and my heart thudded the drums of my ears, taking off to the cabin. I slammed the door behind me, Kaze's eyes growing as the spark of a small fire grew in the midst of leaves and twigs within the fireplace.

"What's wrong?" he asked with the fire-starting stones in hand.

"No!" I yelped, and ran. "Put the fire out, now."

Kaze grabbed the pail, and dumped the water into the pit. "What's wrong?!" he rose with wide eyed.

I pointed out a tiny window sheathed in white. "There's someone or something across the river."

Kaze pealed back a corner of the curtain, and silence followed. I shrieked within my head, my arms still crossed, waiting for him to come back to me with alarming news, then he said while his face was still against the window: "I don't see anyone."

"Keep looking," I urged him with my hand. "There was someone over there."

He let the curtain down, the simple lace waving still. "Are you sure it wasn't a Wind Hound or some other animal? I've been seeing a lot of them lately."

Considering Wind Hounds were indeed gray, I explained: "Well, it was gray. But weren't some of the soldiers wearing gray armor?"

Kaze became silent and expressionless, his arms held out. "Do you feel that too?" he asked with a jerk to his sharp jaw.

I squeezed my arms together, throwing my hair across my neck, and thought: "Feel what?"

Two legs of a chair sitting beneath the dining table began to rise. Following it a wooden cup rose, it's contents pouring out and bubbling within the air. My shirt began to rise, and the locks of my hair knotted into the air as if an outburst of static had shocked me. The wood in the walls creaked, and moaned under a huge amount of stress. My insides turned as Kaze jumped to grab me, cursing.

The floor crumbled and fell up while the walls were still hardly moved. My legs gave out once the floor struck the souls of my feet, and I screamed: "Kaze!"

Dust clouded the room as glass shattered, and wood splintered. I watched the greenery through the broken cracks and holes of the cabin where it once sat in the shade of the wild vanish, blur, and disappear.

The cabin turned over, and I slid on my backside to a corner, my bare skin burning against the wood floor. I screamed helplessly.

"Sere!" Kaze called me. I didn't have time to respond, the force of movement pinning me against a wall. I struggled for breath while glancing out a glassless window, the outside world turning blue, then the red of the Scarlet Rivet blurred. The blue of the sky came, then a flash of sunlight, then red. Blue, Sun, red, blue, sun, red, my gut crumbled and churned as the adrenaline filled my veined and sped up my heart.

Red, red, and more red water came heavy and more closely as we stopped spinning. Gravity vanished and the g-forces of the spin were no longer an issue. My arms and legs became light, my shirt fell up to my chest, and the impact followed abruptly.

Pain could not be worried with at the moment my body as well as every other loose object collided into the same wall. I gasped and pushed myself up as water rushed through the wall beneath me. "Kaze!" I screamed. His body sat beneath the surface of a small table, lifeless just an arms length away from me. The water rose to my elbows, Kaze caught beneath the water.

I flipped the table over, and held his face above the water. He suffered a gash across his cheek, but it was nothing severe. "Kaze!" I screamed again with shaking bursts of panic in my voice. "Wake up!" I shook him. "Wake up!"

The water held us afloat as the mangled structure sank. I lost everything as I pulled his loose body against mine, weeping, shaking, wet, and cold. I wiped his hair back out of his eyes, and saw no signs of life, no signs of movement. The water droplets beneath his nose failed to move in the heat of his breath, and his mouth was slightly ajar.

"Don't go," I pled with heavy eyes. "Please don't leave me too." My finger tips clenched to his white shirt, and I pushed my cheek against the blood of his. "No," I called and called....

Author's Note

It's obviously not finished, but I write from my phone and need somewhere to save it. Thanks for viewing!

Reviews

[dw817]

⊰ℛℛ⊱
This is an unusual story and you have great command over the vocabulary describing the effect of reversed gravity. Honestly, if this were me, I would hang on to something that I know is connected to the ground, like the side of a stone fireplace.

I'm a little confused as to what is causing the gravity shift, however ?

[Christoph Poe]

Well, considering this is written in first person, if my main character doesn't know the cause, then my readers aren't supposed to know this either. She figures it out though.

[dw817]

I consider myself a bit of a teen writer and keep dialogue and always simple to understand.
read moreI consider myself a bit of a teen writer and keep dialogue and always simple to understand.

You might consider verbal dialogue like Kaze yelling, "Sere, what's going on ?" and they hear a reply from Sere, "I don't know, but hang on !"

Anything that unusual happens I always emphasize in my story so it is not just the readers but the characters in the story as well who are confused and often asking the same questions as the reader to let them know they are not forgotten. :)

[Christoph Poe]

That makes perfect sense, and I'll definitely go back to throw those details in. :) Thos will probably lean towards teens if anyone decided to publish it.

Thanks again!

[dw817]

The simpler and easier the ride you can make for your readers, at least I feel, the better it will be in the long run. If you get too bogged down in details and tricky writing, while you may have loud appreciation from the intellects, the ones who just read casually will be shaking their head in confusion. And that's me, as I consider myself a most definite casual and not very intelligent reader.

Better to have a full-house of quiet applause than thunderous from only a few. :7

[H.M. Hearing]

Seemed like it could be a great story, but I could never get a clear picture. The first paragraph didn't seem to fit the rest.

[TL Boehm]

a riveting story - if this is the ending it is climactic and would be a great cliffhanger for a second installment. A good start to the end.

[Christoph Poe]

Thank you for reading. I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)

[Arutha]

Alright, so first recommendation: WRITE EVERYTHING FROM YOUR PHONE because this was so sick I vomited (I'm coining that, by the way). Seriously dude, you're ON to something here. I mean, just brilliantly done. The action was mind-blowing. A spinning cabin... WHO KNEW!? And I freaking NEED to know who the guy in gray was. Like, badly. I'm blown away; this is even better than the other two I've read so far.

Okay, thoughts as I read:

"...according to the Suns that circled a wide sky." I've thought this every time and not commented on it, but I feel like that sentence could do without the "that circled a wide sky." I feel like it should be "the wide sky," but even then it feels like too much for some reason... which is weird because like 80% of my sentences are run-ons lol.

"...unanimous beings..." ... "anonymous?"

"...my last and closest friend..." That sounds like all of her other friends died or broke ties with her. If that's what you meant, then sweet, but otherwise, maybe just "my only friend" or something. Also, in that same paragraph, you might at least consider going with something more like "what your sister said" instead of "explained to us," just sounds more conversational imo.

"The wind whispered a strange lie..." Beautifully written, but I would have liked some expansion on it. Otherwise it kind of feels like it's in there solely to sound elegant.

"It's copper banks..." No apostrophe. Also, maybe consider a word like "withered" instead of shriveled in that same sentence. Otherwise it makes me think of something that's been sundried like a prune or beef jerky. I guess it could work for a river bank, but you already told us it's full of water.

"...and my heart thudded the drums of my ears..." I think you're missing a word here, but you might just go with something like "my heart thudded in my ears" for a simpler flow... maybe ;-P Also, you never told me what was "taking off to the cabin" (obviously it's Sere, but grammatically it appears that it's her heart).

Also, where's Sere running to when Kaze lights the fire? I thought she was inside the cabin, which I envision as fairly small. Maybe she just backs away or something?

"he rose with wide eyed." Either "eyes" instead of "eyed" or comma instead of "with."

"I pointed out a tiny window sheathed in white." Maybe "framed" or "bordered" instead of "sheated." That would seem to imply that the pane itself is in some kind of white envelope, if you will.

"...filled my veined and sped up my heart." should be "veins."

"Red, red, and more red water..." That read a little strangely; maybe just "More and more red water..." also the "came heavy" part felt a bit awkward. Maybe just "...rushed violently into the cabin as our spinning slowed," or something.

"Pain could not be worried with..." That's a dangling something-or-other. Should be "I could not be worried with pain..." You might notice in my writing I tend to lean on the word "hardly" like a fat crutch in similar sentences. "I could hardly be worried with pain..."

"The water rose to my elbows, Kaze caught beneath the water." I already know it's water, so maybe pronoun substitution for the repeat.

" I lost everything as I pulled his loose body..." lost all of what? Her pride, luster for life, material belongings (which wouldn't make sense... she already lost all of those ;-P), or what? Also, maybe "limp" instead of "loose?"

"My finger tips clenched to his white shirt..." I would either go "clung" instead of "clenched" or take out "to."

On that last line, I would consider just "No..." I think it would be more dramatic, but I could just as well be horribly wrong ;-P

[Christoph Poe]

You always give the best reviews! Lol. Thanks once again for checking out my work.

I decided to go with a little more straight action in the prologue just so I can show people what to expect in the book. I don't want my readers to think its all drama, because its both drama and action. (This type if action more literally the result if drama. Haha.)

The only parts of the grammar I want to point out is the part "the wind whispered a strange lie". It's actually to be taken literally, though I understand it probably won't be right now until my readers know what's going on.

I'll go back through here in a few days to fix those grammatical errors though! In my defense, I actually KNOW most of them, I just never catch them in my own writing. Lol. That's what you guys are for though!

Which reminds me, my editor is actually going to edit these first four chapters here in a few weeks. I'm not to sure what she'll do with the 'content' of the story though--if she's just going to edit strictly the grammar or if she's going to do some heavy rephrasing, omitting, rearranging, and adding. (Ill find out in a few days.) If you're interested, I'll remind you when I've got the finished versions posted? It's up to you. You seem pretty busy. Lol. So I won't bombard you!

Okay, okay, I'll stop ranting! Thanks again. I really do appreciate your in depth thoughts! :)

--Christoph

[Warlon]

Interesting, I wait to see more. :3

[Katiya K]

Chris, I'm a little confused at this being the prologue but the ending of your book...is it like an epilogue that you just wrote down quickly? Or is there a lot of changes that you are making towards Eccliesia and you haven't finished with it yet?

Anywaaaays, you've really improved your writing. It is so detailed that I'm beginning to read it like how I would watch a movie :) I especially loved how there was a sense of a climax in this chapter. First its all calm and serene with the details of the sun and then the sudden movement really grasps the readers attention that obviously some action is going to escalate. And the way you described how the house was picked up and how Kaze and Sere sort of were lifted and tumbled around was a really neat scene.

There were some gaps of course since you haven't finished writing this yet but after reading your chapters I'm confused about the character development..still not sure if you've changed anything in your story yet but as I said before, Sere is a human and its sort of like this Big Deal to be human and not something "magical" but yet you have Kaze who is also human and that is also a Big Deal because she hasn't met any one who is human yet. I'm not sure if this is important to your story. What is your theme in the your book? That even ordinary people versus extraordinary people can stand up and defeat evil? Or is love one of your themes? Is it having courage to do something extraordinary when your ordinary?

[Christoph Poe]

Ya know, Now that I think about it, this is an epilogue. Not a prologue. Lol.

I've got many themes running, one of the big themes being love in this first book. The other is forgiveness. I also have a few biblical themes running through them, so religion is another one. I left some mystery to what Kaze's sister had told them, because it would ruin the book, so here, I thought to strictly follow action considering my first few opening chapters haven't incorporated a great deal of action, but things are rising in this third episode I'm writing now.

The other theme you mentioned about "ordinary people rising to defeat the unordinary" isn't as so, but quite the opposite. If I have any more details, then I'd completely ruin it for my readers. :/

I had a long discussion about this with another good writer the other day, and he's not so sure if I should reveal even these details in the very beginning. I'm just seeing how people react to it for the time being. I may scrap it in the future.

[Christoph Poe]

And no, it's not quite finished. I'm currently thinking if a strategy to end it to smoothly run into my next episode, which is something like 7 years ago.

[Katiya K]

Haha oh I see! That would make more sense then haha.

Buuuuut, interesting! I can't wait how you will translate those themes into your writing. I was really just making up some themes to see exactly what your aim was in your book. So being human and non human is no big deal in your world? Since it was so stressed in the beginning when you had just come out with your first chapter/prologue that's why I thought about the ordinariness but any how haha don't worry you don't have to spoil it for me I will definitely wait for you to continue to develop your story ^_^

[John Lauterbach]

Zero-G house is one way to kill a dude. I approve of this method, though I don't know why it happened.

I'm noticing a lot of 'wind' things in this chapter - is that a theme of the book or the setting or just coincidence? I like that little detail of her shirt falling up, gives a sense of the distorted nature they're in the middle of at the time. It doesn't feel finished, but you said that in your note.

[Christoph Poe]

Thanks for reading! Yeah, the Wind is a big key factor throughout the novel, and I talk about it a lot. It has a deeper meaning that being just the force of nature though, and I hope that's how it's coming across so far.

[Zero_Edge88]

First, did you call your character "Wind" really? I speak Japanese but not fluently nor read it but I know enough if people ever talk behind my back in their language that I would understand what they are saying to me. Just wondering because it's interesting how you have that name, plus then I thought of kami kaze or kamikaze both are applied in this way by the way.

I think the flow of the characters are indeed amazing. They create a certain sense of mystery, especially calling it episode zero. It creates a lot of questions and it helps to create an establishment which is presented. Honestly I thought you were going to name it, "Pilot" since it is Episode Zero but "Rise" makes it better than the lack of the word "Pilot" because it gives meaning to what's going on the story. It gives an uplift of what Kaze and Sere is going through. Especially now that Kaze has been hurt(?). Episode zero is of course where we start from the bottom to get to where we go in the current one.

Thank you for the sharing. Have a good night :)

[Christoph Poe]

That's where I got the name, yes, but I'm probably changing the spalling of it to 'Kayze' so people won't pronounce it the Japanese way. A lot of people have caught on to that, and I'm afraid they'll start pronouncing it wrong! Lol.

Thanks for the compliments by the way!

[Zero_Edge88]

No don't change it bro lol! Sorry about the bro part but really don't. It helps establish that when you create your character it matters not how people would read or say it out loud. You as the author make the best of your story. Plus Japanese is a cool language! Lol

You're very welcome, have a great night!

[Krystle Lewallen]

I'm glad that you said it's not finished in "Author's Note" because I was thinking, before I scrolled down and seen your note, Sere better have some sort of healing power because Kaze better not die I would be totally devastated. This is fantastic though. There is more of the world that I want to know shining through but like you said there is still a lot not explained. My favorite part about your writing is when you describe something. It makes things come alive which in return draws the reader in. When you wrote, "He suffered a gash across his cheek, but it was nothing severe." I was a little disappointed because of your ability to beautifully describe things. I guess I was expecting you to describe the gash kind of like this, "He suffered a gash across his cheek, a bright red against his pale skin, but it was nothing severe." Or something along those lines. I haven't read the other chapters since you have edited them so I am going to do that and am highly looking forward to it. Fantastic and I really hope that you publish this when you're finished because I want to read the whole story.

[Christoph Poe]

When I had written that in my authors notes, I actually WASN'T finished. Lol. But I am now. Serving as my prologue, this is where I'm cutting it off, and I'll do a continuation of it in a much later chapter.

[Christoph Poe]

And it's up to you if you want to re read the next chapter. I haven't actually finished the revisions, but I have incorporated the date system of the novel. I also changed the opening up a bit. It's a stream of poetry and a brief explanation of the time system.

[Krystle Lewallen]

Oh no, Kaze doesn't die does he! You probably can't tell me that, huh?

[Christoph Poe]

I can't. :/ Sorry! Lol.

[Christoph Poe]

I wish I could tell you though! I don't want to spoil it for you.

[Krystle Lewallen]

Are you planning on putting up more episodes? I thought I read in one of your comments that you probably wouldn't be putting up anymore. You wouldn't happen to be publish the whole book like tomorrow would you :)

[Christoph Poe]

I probably won't post anymore episodes here just because of publishing purposes. I don't want someone to not publish me because I posted all my episodes across the Internet. That would REALLY suck. I've not actually finished writing it though. Lol. I'm flattered that you're so interested in reading it though. Maybe it will actually have a chance in the real world. (I hope so anyways.)

If you'd like, I could email some of the next episodes to you in the future?

[Krystle Lewallen]

Yes, but you can't talk like that. It's your work and you have put a lot of time and thought into it. If your goal is to send it to large publishing houses I would definitely do that but, if you are ever rejected, self publish. I have read some really amazing books that are self published through Smashwords and these authors are extremely talented and very successful. I would love to read more if you wouldn't mind emailing more episodes to me.

[Christoph Poe]

More than likely, I'll probably harass the s**t out of those bigger publishing companies until they do something with me. XD

If I can't do anything with them though, then I'm definitely going the self-publishing route. My fiancé has experience with marketing already, so we know what to expect and can handle it if we decide to move in that direction.

[Krystle Lewallen]

That's good, I can see already that there are a lot of people who want to know more. Go for what you want though, J.K. Rowling was rejected twelve times before they published Harry Potter and now look at her she is a freaking millionaire, that's crazy. Good luck with it though, I'm rooting for you.

[Random Peter]

I am not a person to write long reviews, but I will try. Honestly, I can not review your vocab and the variety of your words. I need this type of help.
Well, what can I say, each time a person rewrites the story, it obviously gets better. I may say the same about you. Your style and the style of other writers differs from mine. I may assume that I was educated by the Russian standards and I see literature differently. We were taught that the poem must always contain rhyme, the story must always be clear to the reader.
Combining American and Russian ways of "How to write a good story" I designed my style of writing.

Okay, THe thing that came into my mind right away, do not think that I am toooooo critical, put the episodes in the right order. I thought like what is happening here? Do the events even connect to the episode 2?
Now, I may say, that everyone here is great and has his own project of the life. Definitely go and finish it. The story is more interesting than I expected. First time when I saw you novel I was like "Meh, what's that? Okay, whatever." Now I am in deep in your story, thanks for a read request.

The sad thing is that I can not physically write a good review. My language ability is not that developed, I still struggle with my vocabulary, but how can a person be reviewed if he does not make reviews?
So I try my best, and even if I can not give you a valuable advice on your development, I am definitely subscribed and your permanent reader,
~Peter

[Christoph Poe]

It's funny that you bring up how it may look 'ehh, what's this?', because I'm worried that that will be most people's first impressions. I don't want people to think this is another cliche fantasy novel when it's really something entirely new and different. (I have always thought to steer away from the unoriginal, and strived to be different.)

Anyways, your review was great and much appreciated! I'm happy to hear that you enjoyed it and that it's not what you were expecting.

Take care,
--Christoph Poe

[Christoph Poe]

I forgot to clarify that the reason they're out of order is because I uploaded the prologue last. I can't arrange them from my iPhone, so I'll have to wait until I get to a computer. Lol