ECCLESIA: Episode One: "Alibi"

If you enjoy background music, this is the song I've listened to religiously to set the mood for my first chapter. http://youtu.be/MYr1YXnIKPk

ECCLESIA:
Episode One: "Alibi"

"I lived in a time alien to the real world,

"A time blind,

"Colorless,

"And jaded.

"Later I discovered a time that could organize my hardships

"In a life worth living a million times over.

"And so,

"That time is,

"Ecclesiax2-1,476,

"The year of pure winter."

We stayed in a cabin just on the outskirts of the village despite my father's occupation as a member of the Village Council. We could easily have lived among the high class community, but my parents chose a different path, an easier low-class trail off in the country-side. I looked upon my parents relationship as beautiful, their methods on caring for my sister and I equally perfect. I never saw myself or my sister as attention seekers, though my sister once threw a tantrum in the market place when my father forbade her a new dress. She hardly left a mark on society though; she didn't stand above a crowd--not on the same levels that I did.

Snow filled the crevasses of the windows, falling heavily on a late evening. I listened to my parents and a neighbor discuss me as if I didn't exist, laying in the heat of a fireplace right before them in the living quarters floor.

Mrs. Pert asked my mother: "Her hair is gorgeous, who mixed the hair dye?" I recall her flamboyance as a nuisance.

My mother and father looked upon each other hesitantly. "Her hair is not colored; it's natural," my mother responded politely.

Our neighbor raised a brow, and continued: "And you say she is human. You've noticed no strange phenomenons?"

The woman's eyes sat heavily on me as I bathed in the light of the fire, a wooly rug beneath my belly. I stretched a strand of my bangs across my face and observed the color. The dark blue was as natural to me as breathing: it never crossed my mind that it attracted so much attention.

My father placed his glass of wine on the coffee table. "We've noticed nothing unusual yet. She's only ten years old. She has a few more years."

I focused on the strands of hair as I twisted them, the adults but a twinkling blur in the background.

"Do you not remember when you first discovered your abilities? There should be signs somewhere by now, even at ten years old." Mrs. Pert explained.

My mother rested her hands and shook her head. "I'm afraid there's nothing but the color of her hair. She'd be the first human on my side of the family in generations."

My mothers words alarmed me. In a child's eyes, being 'different' was not only exciting, but equally terrifying.

A few days passed as me and only my mother were home waiting for my father and sister to arrive from the marketplace. She read her book. I had seen her reading it so many times, and regretfully wished I could remember the title, but it didn't take much for me to break her from it.

"Why am I human?"

Mother closed her book, and turned her gaze to me. She combed her hair with her fingers for a moment, and then patted the couch for me to come sit beside her.

She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me close. "We're all human. You eat and I do too." The resonance of her voice eased me. "I breathe the same air you do. What is there not to understand?" She looked down upon me, but I could not stare directly back.

"Mrs. Pert said I was Human, and you said that I'd be the first born in your family in a long time," I repeated the conversation for a more direct question.

Her concentration trailed off. "Yes!" she shook me. "Yes, you will be the first Human born in many years in my family." And her smile warmed me just as strongly as her optimism did. "But you're not the only Human. There are others like you."

I revolted quickly: "Others with blue hair?"

"No, baby, not everyone has blue hair," she laughed, and I didn't entirely understand it at first. "You're the only person I know with blue hair, Human and Non-Human."

The facts came to make sense within time. My mother apparently sugar-coated them, because what she should have told me was that I was one of the few people in the village who was not born with abilities, and once I learned of my helplessness, my father even revealed less and less of his talents around me.

--Ecclesiax2-1,478--

At twelve years old, if I had no signs of abilities then I would more than likely never develop them. As if I was born without legs or arms--possibly both--my family began to hide themselves around me, and do things as I did.

Later one evening, my mother laid in her bed suffering a mild headache. My father, my sister and I assumed her role as the cook. I fetched from across our dirt road a bucket of water from the neighborhood well. I left my father attempting to strike a fire in the oven using the friction between two stones, but if they had at all been used, the stones had sat in the cupboard for many years.

I stood by the well and watched him curse and struggle through the kitchen window. He possessed an ability to create fire upon will, and refused to do so because of me. I was grateful to have such an amazing father, though watching my family suffer due to my lack of abilities became difficult to bare. I took the pail of water to the kitchen, sat it on the counter, and with my father paying little attention to me, I snatched the stones from his hands.

In attempt to cover up the compassion behind his actions, he said: "I need those to start the fire." He rose from the pits of the oven, and kept a stern yet solemn expression from behind his knotted beard.

The tension forced my sister to halt her preparations for the dinner table and leave the room.

"Father, you don't need these. It's obvious what you're doing, and I'm telling you that it doesn't matter anymore." Though, it did, but I'd never show it.

I wasn't as convincing as I hoped. He glared at me, but I glared back, and our attempts for intimidation grew to suffocating levels. "Give me the stones or you won't be eating." His brow bent across the gentle stare of his eyes, and the nostrils of his nose flared.

I left him one of the two stones, and fled out the back door.

He screamed my name: "Sere!" (sair)

A Cloro Tree hung over me as I rested on a rotting bench. The stone met its fate as I tossed it far into the thick wood line, passed the bent posts of the fence, and into a dark cloud of brush. With no remorse to my actions, I leaned back and propped myself on my arms, the wood of the bench rough and prickly on my palms.

The wind blew. The leaves whistled and howled. The limbs bent. The grass grew slightly and unnoticeably with heavy bundles of white, gold, and red flowers bending their stalks. The clouds shifted at the horizon, plummeting into a higher atmosphere like molten rock exploding at the ocean floor. The Cloro tree bowed to the wind like the fit gentleman he was. His arms waved to flash beams of light across my cheeks, and I'd occasionally squint.

My father and mother used to sit on the bench and tend to my sister and I as we played in the dirt...the sandy pit now diminished to a dry spot of gravel while wild plants grew around and took it over. Now, I sat at the bench where my parents sat, and stared at the remainder of my childhood, when problems were took on much more optimistically and were easily forgotten.

"You know this isn't easy," my father placed his hand on my knee. "You're different, and there's nothing wrong with that."

I appreciated his blunt attitude he often used on me, but despite what I should have expected, I winced at his words. "You, Mother and Lorri don't have to feel sorry for me," I said. "I'm perfectly fine. I feel like something is wrong with me when you hide yourself."

My father exhaled and turned his head. "I suppose you're right."

"I am?!" I whiplashed.

"You are right," he spoke while smiling.

I nodded my head, and gave in to him. "I miss seeing your fire. I haven't seen it in so long."

He flipped his hand, his knuckles painlessly jarring into my calf.

"You mean this?!" he asked as the heat waves barreled from his palm, bending the light, blurring the grass behind it. A tiny miss-constructed spark died. I flinched at the pop, and following came a strong flame the length of his index finger. My first smile was weak, a mere twinge at the corner of my lips, but when he rose to his feet, I couldn't help but to beam.

He spun his arm with a wheel of white fire following it. He then thrusted his palm into the air as a string of flames twisted into the sky, whipping the wind.

"That's what I miss!"

I continued to lean myself across the bench, and waited for the flames to dissipate and fade away nonexistent.

He sat beside me once again. "Your mother and I are sorry for doing this to you."

The cabins at the horizon flooded my visual concentration, specs of people moving across their yards. A brown horse kicked and stomped at his trainer. I responded to my father: "You're sorry for being amazing parents?"

"How did I raise you to have such a great sense of judgment?!" he jerked his head humorously, as my mother would often do.

My father often stood beside me before my mother did. We kept a typical father daughter relationship, and I found nothing wrong with that. Considering I was Human, I may have depended on him more, and he may have taken higher means to protect me. He may have even loved me more than my sister, but that was an unquestionable accusation.

Time fluttered by to the year Ecclesiax2-1,482.

At sixteen, my sister walked down a white carpet to meet the man she'd spend the rest of her life with. My parents, and I sat in the front row distraught by her departure into a new life. The ceremony was assembled outdoors, passed the edge of town with nothing more than the natural world surrounding us. The canopies of trees hung green patches across a sherbet sky, shadows patched across the man rows of seats behind me. Her dress trailed down an old plight of stone stairs like white water frozen in time, polished stones of bright browns and gold hanging around her neck and waist. Her hair rested naturally across her bare backside with curls at the tips identical to mine. She had my fathers mashed nose, and my mothers pail skin. She'd smile for a few moments, and then quickly turn serious. I held my composure despite her lack of control over the joyous moment in her life.

I convinced myself I wouldn't miss her, and even though some memories were more negative than others, continuing life at home without her would be difficult. We once fought over a toy in the living quarters floor. I recalled the anger and devastation I felt when my mother took it from me and handed it to Lorri, and Lorri knew the toy rightfully belonged to me. Her sneer smile was enough to redden my cheeks. "Sere, did Lorri have it first?" my mother asked in a threatening tone. I shook my head from left to right in panic, my eyes wide.

Lorri lied: "I had it first, and Sere snatched it out if my hands!"

My mother was occupied with other duties and did not take the situation seriously, choosing sides with my sister.

Lorri played with the noise maker for a few more moments after my mother left the room and just as soon as my mother closed her bedroom door, I slapped her across the jaw and took the toy.

I was five years old, and she was ten. And now, I gazed upon her womanly figure standing taller than I'd ever seen her stand.

The man standing across from her came about two years before. Lorri explained to me their 'classical meeting' at the market place when she was nearly trampled by a runaway horse and buggy. Krio Lorally--may I add my sister's name was now Lorri Lorally?--appeared out of no where and pulled her into a black cloud of smoke, and then she woke behind the counter of the shop he worked at, on her back spread across the floor. Krio stood over her, and apparently, that was all they needed to move on.

I squinted my eyes at the thought, would I ever be as lucky as her? Jealousy did not consume me; there were no hints of rage or anger to contradict any of my hidden actions. I too struggled to hold back my smiles, welcoming all the happiness into her life.

The village leader stood behind them, and guided the audience to silence with a polite gesture, nodding his head and raising his arm. "Lorri, you may now place your hand."

Krio wore a brown leather vest that hung over his right shoulder, his left shoulder strapless and his white collared shirt beneath unbuttoned to the center of his chest. Lorri reached with her right hand and held it flat against Krio's chest.

The village leader rose his old chin to further announce: "This man has given himself firstly and only to Lorri Avalor. He has opened his heart to Lorri and he swears to give only Lorri passage," he spoke carefully and with great dignity. His vocal cords were raspy and beaten away in time like the weathering of an ancient sculpture's surface; if anything, his sounds were soothing and reeked of wisdom.

I heaved a deep breath as silence followed, the trees rustling their leaves at the winds grasp.

"Krio," the village leader called. "You may now place your hand."

Krio reached for Lorri's chest, her sleeveless dress allowing him bare access just above her left breast.

"Breathe," the village leader demanded. "Feel the beat of each others heart."

The heart in my own chest thumped. I watched the expression across my sisters face melt into the reality of the moment, her eyes gazed upon a feeling I had yet experienced.

The village leader broke the silence. "By the infinite strings that connect us all, I now declare Krio and Lorri Lorally a link in the chains of life."

That night, the hype of the ceremony fell to near nothing for most, but it continued to rest heavy on my shoulders. I rose from my bed unable to sleep. The steady clinks of dishes ticked into the night, and I found myself standing in the archway of the kitchen where my mother washed dishes by the soft glow of a candle.

She wore her night gown, an old and tattered piece of clothing that my father swore he'd burn if she didn't replace it. The right pocket dangled, ripped from its threads by the knob of her bedroom door. It's colors faded over the years as well: once it beamed a bright yellow with tiny prints of red flowers. I watched the pastel colors of her gown twitch against the backdrop of the brown cabinets as she struggled to scrub the guts of a pot, the scrapes particularly irritating to my ears.

Then the scrubbing stopped, and the water in the sink settled. My mother leaned over the counter propped on her bent arms. Her head began to fall between her shoulders, and slightly wobble...a sobbing echo followed.

My mouth stayed open for a few moments after, hesitant to speak. "Mother?" I called quietly.

She jumped.

"Are you alright?" I asked.

Her voice was drained: "How long have you been standing there?"

I responded with the frame of the archway pressing against my shoulder. "I've not been here long."

She sniveled with her back still turned to me. My chest swelled, and deflated. I turned my attention down to the wooden planks of the floor, dark stains had rubbed a trail that followed close to the counters. Lorri helped set the trails, I thought to myself.

"Why aren't you asleep?" she asked.

My lips fell apart only enough for the cold air to breeze across my teeth, and then I proceeded to explain: "You were making a lot of noise, so I wanted to check on you."

My mother turned towards me, and crossed her arms. "I'm sorry I woke you," she said as she rubbed her eye.

"It's alright," I looked down. "It's strange not having her here anymore."

"I don't know if it's that, or the fact that I'm getting older. Time slips away so easily."

"Time slides by at the same rate for all of us," I explained. She smiled at my words, a faint break of logical hope within the gloom.

She breathed. "Never mind me, I'm overly thinking I suppose."

Over thinking was the mechanism that refused my sleep, I became too aware of the deep subjects that circled life, and my sister's ceremony brought them on in a dangerous yet wondrous fashion.

"I've been thinking a lot too," I mouthed away as if embarrassed. "About the ceremony."

A brief moment of silence came awaiting me to further carry the conversation. My mother waved her hand, a gesture that I should continue.

I pushed my head forward. "What was the village leader talking about at the ceremony?"

She tightened her crossed arms, her backside resting against the edge of the sink. She hummed in thought, closed eyes. "You mean the end of the speech, I'm assuming?"

I nodded.

"Your father and I didn't want to raise you and your sister following everyone else, but I supposed it would come up one day and I'd have to explain."

My brow fell. "Explain what?"

My mother shook her head. "I'm sorry for keeping you away from the questions. Where did we come from? What are our purposes for living? I should have known you'd eventually ask them." I mellowed, the candle light dimming. "Many people believe in the thought that we're all connected by an infinitely long string that's invisible to our eyes. It is a lost religion that came from before the villages time, and that's what he meant when he stated 'I now declare you a link in the chains of life'. We are the links, specifically though, our Children."

I heaved a deep breath. "That's a bit much. Why haven't you ever explained this to me and my sister?"

She turned her head down. "Because your father and I do not believe it. We want you to believe in what you want to believe," she spoke solemnly, and powerfully. "Your faith cannot be altered."

Author's Note

I've incorporated some revisions, as well as a time frame, in which I'm still working out those descriptive kinks. My dumb ass completely missed the fact that this chapter begins in the midst of winter, and I forgot to add those details.

Anyways, thanks for all of your great reviews! They have really helped move me along. :)

Reviews

[Jane P.]

Okay, I totally need to point out that "The time fluttered by" is such a perfect way to signify a time shift! Most writers include stars or line breaks, but this is a lovely transition technique, well done! The interaction between the wind and the Cloro Tree was also excellently written and really captured the imagined world of your story. You have a very well established writing style, with an equally defined pace and structure. I found Sere to be a highly interesting character and her relationship with her family, particularly her father, was beyond adorable!

The humour of Lorri's last name becoming Lorally actually made me start laughing to myself! The wedding was also beautifully described and I think overall this was a very strong opening chapter.I feel like such a nerd, but when you ended with 'The choice is yours' it reminded me of something and I just realised I was thinking of Captain Planet's line "The power is yours!" Totally unrelated point, just saying I love your final line!

There were a few grammatical things I picked up on:
- "I appreciated his blunt attitude he often used on me" This sound a little repetitious, maybe if you replaced 'his' to 'the', the prose might flow better, "I appreciated the blunt attitude he often used on me"

- "and waited for the flames to dissipate and fade away nonexistent." This should be "fade away into nonexistence", or "fade away, nonexistent."

- "She hummed in thought, closed eyes." This should probably be reversed to "eyes closed" or "with closed eyes."

A beautifully written first chapter and I am thoroughly looking forward to reading chapter two!

[Arutha]

So first off I'm assuming you're a Jim Butcher fan (at least I hope... I feel like everybody should be! ;-D). Furthermore, the underpinnings of this story are fantastic. Sere has the most awesome attitude; she's one of those people that just lets life happen, even when other people assume she can't handle it (probably because they project what they assume would be their own inability to handle her particular situation, which is total reality!).

Okay, so what I did here was to pick a few examples from your work that I feel best help me to make some of the suggestions I'm, well, making... I didn't want to go through it line-by-line, but hopefully this is a good start for you.

“The book soon became closed--loosing her place…” The book did not lose her place, nor did it close itself – the mom did both. Try something like, “That got her attention. Mom gingerly folded down the book’s red, faded cover, turning her ever-thoughtful gaze on me.” I’m adding things that might not fit the character or the scene, but I just wanted to make a point. Every sentence is a blank canvas, a medium between your brilliant mind and the reader’s hungry eyes. You have such an amazingly creative piece here, and I think that you can channel that into a more visually vibrant tale by simply focusing on the structure of the writing.

Another little trick it took me a while to learn: You don’t always have to follow a lead-in with a conjunction. Instead of “…and her eyes hardened…” try something like “Mom gingerly folded down the book’s red, faded cover, her eyes distant, lost in thought…” or “…faded cover, her eyes hardening in thought…” though hardening of the eyes generally carries a more disciplinary connotation.

I don’t normally say this in reviews because I feel like a lot of author’s aren’t here yet, but I can see that you definitely are. You’re getting really close to the appropriate level of detail (at least in my oh-so-personal opinion), but I still want more as a reader. And trust me, I know all too well how abhorrently slow it can feel when you hit that point where you feel like you’re including enough, but then you re-read it and it still moves too fast. Then the writing of it just feels like a turtle race in molasses. But I think that if you take more time to give us Sere’s feelings about the things that are going on around her, as well as all of the subtle context of everything, it will really pan out for you. For example: “’Yes!’ She shook me.” There’s just not enough there, in my opinion. I was about 70% confident that she shook her out of excitement, but that other 30% took me out of the story as I struggled with the possibility that I misunderstood something. If Mom's concentration trails off, she shouldn’t be shaking Sere, first off. In my mind, I see a woman staring into the distance, too preoccupied to grab Sere and shake her. Also, I have no context. How did she shake her? Did she grab her shoulders? Was it violent, playful, or just the unthinking result of an exciting idea? Did it surprise Sere? I would think it would. Anyway, I don’t mean to drone on, but I guess my point is, assume the reader is a total idiot. ;-D Always give more than the reader needs before you give less (but certainly strive for equilibrium… and Christian Bale).

Also, when you mention the “classical meeting” between Lorri and her man-candy, I get it. It’s that scene from Mr. Deeds where Winona arranges the charlatan mugger and Adam Sandler bludgeons him half to death. Still, the reader might not get it (even though the following contextual clues explain it, it's going to cause confusion before the reader ever gets to that point). This is another good example of a place where I would suggest giving the reader more context, keeping in mind that the reader is not in your head.

Also, I just felt compelled to throw this one out there: “She sniveled with her back still turned to me.” Sniffled, maybe?

So... all this to say, you have a very clever piece here. You're building up the plot to be something that people are GOING to want to read. It's just got that freshness, that hint of something different that people are looking for, and yet it has the relaxing rhythm I look for in a good book.

[Christoph Poe]

THIS is what I needed. I've had others complain about the lack of description but couldn't really explain how it was lacking; thank you! I feel like someone is finally right behind me on the ladder and pushing me up rather than stopping for casual discussion.

Being a high fantasy story written in first person, I've attempted several times to make this story feel as realistic as possible. Going by your compliments, I feel I've succeeded.

I know that feeling all too well, when it still feels like its moving too fast. I need/want to blend those scenic details, and it can be so difficult not to stray! I've got to find that balance in thinking, and I think you've shown me that both in your writing as well as through this review.

Others have complained that the flashbacks appear too jarring, and I'm currently struggling with a strategy to smoothen them out. Hopefully, I'll figure something out in the near future. With this first chapter sitting as my opening, without a prologue, I feel it's necessary to include some small flashbacks so the readers don't feel like they're missing facts later on. Others have suggested that I actually write a prologue, but in still unsure.

Speaking if prologue, ignore parts of my critique on yours where necessary. I took it when I read it as the first chapter, and NOT a prologue. Haha. So I apologize for my ignorance there. I can be a bit air-headed.

Yes, it's supposed to be "sniffled"--my damn auto correct on my phone wins once again. (But in it's respect, I wasn't sure how to spell it the first time around....lol)

I thank you once again for your advice! You've been a tremendous help, and I hope you feel like coming back every once in a while to share more of your wisdom.

I thank you for the compliments as well. I'm highly passionate about this story, and I've struggled for years trying to improve my writing style that way people would be even more compelled to read it. As I mentioned above, I've tried making this story feel as real as possible. I never realized writing a fantasy novel in first person would be so damn difficult, but maybe it will be worth it in the end.

Thanks again (I'm sure you're tired of hearing me repeat that) and take care!
--Christoph Poe

[Christoph Poe]

And I forgot to mention as I was reading your review over again, I've never heard of Jim Butcher before. The name is completely new to me, but I see he writes contemporary fantasy?

[Arutha]

Well, that might be the genre of his other popular series (I don't even know the name off the top of my head), but if you've never read Codex Alera (his high fantasy series), READ IT! Like don't pass go or collect 200 royal crowns, just hop on the "Furies of Calderon" train and don't get off 'til the ride ends. ;-P

[Krystle Lewallen]

Amazing! I am very intrigued by the direction this story is going. I can see how there are a few grammatical issues like "no where" when it should be "nowhere" and "passed" when it should be "pass". As another reviewer said I do like a little more action or even mystery in my first chapter because that will determine if a reader will continue. You definitely have mystery but it does go at a very slow pace. I would try adding a prologue of a past event to go before this. Something that will describe the setting a bit. Where this story takes place, the hardship (if any) that these people have endured, when the story takes place, something along those lines. The time hops are okay. I personally have a time hop in the first chapter of a novel I am writing, Flicker. They are very tricky to transition into smoothly but it can be done. I will probably go back and make sure my time hop transitions smoothly after reading other reviewers. It may not come to you right away so if you are struggling with time hops I suggest moving on and coming back to it later. This story seems to be taking off and I can't wait to read the next chapter. You have something great here.

[Christoph Poe]

Wow, thank you for your kind words! I'm thrilled to hear that you enjoyed it. Be sure to stick around because I will be adding chapter to chapter as time moves on.

Yes, I'll have to come back to fix those errors. I've considered writing a prologue, and I may do that in the future. For right now, I'm just going to push on with the story. I've got a long ways to go. :/

[Xerclipse]

Keep going with the story... you have a great start! I love the way you describe the settings and what goes on in the scenes. I wonder what Sere will have to do now that she has a couple of deviations from the rest of her family? You give very atmospheric descriptions (tho they do kinda get confusing) but keep it up!

[Christoph Poe]

I'll definitely work on the descriptions, and do my best to prevent any confusion.

And I'm definitely out to continue the story. I have a lot planned for it.

Thank you for reading, and I hope you feel it's worth continuing!

--Christoph Poe

[Kaitlyn]

:D

Haha
It seems that I've gotten here too late!

The only constructive advice that I have to offer, is, perhaps, to try separating the different memories visibly on the page. I found myself going back a few times, confused, because I didn't realize that it was a completely different scene at first.

But that aside, the description is phenomenal, the story flows beautifully where it doesn't jump from one memory to the next, and I have to say, I'm very, very curious as to what this is leading up to.

You've got me completely hooked, and I can't wait for the next chapter :)

Keep up the awesome work!

[Christoph Poe]

I've had similar complaints, as I think you've read below, and when I'm well finished with the next few chapters, I'm coming back to revise. I think I have a good few strategies to work that out. So you didn't see much wrong with the writing style? Because the actual writing part is what I've had the most issues with in the past, though I'm happy to see that those complaints have shrunk. I still feel like I've got some mechanical issues deeper than just the grammar (which I'm WELL aware of as well--lol).

[Christoph Poe]

And I hate to ask, but could you point out a reflection where the transition was awkward and hard to follow? If you have time, that is. :)

[Kaitlyn]

Don't hate to ask! This is the least I can do to help out a fellow writer. I'd do the exact same thing in your position. : )

After re-reading it a few times, this was the only part that really stuck out to me:

"How did I raise you to have such a great sense of judgment?!" he jerked his head humorously, as my mother would often do.

At sixteen, my sister walked down a white carpet to meet the man she'd spend the rest of her life with."


As for your writing style, I personally love it! The description moves so fluidly, and it pushes everything else along with it in a nice, steady flow.

Also, I admire the balance that you have between the dialogue and Sere's personal narrative. Finding that balance when writing in flash-back has always been difficult for me. : )

[Christoph Poe]

I can fix that! :)

And thank you for that compliment! I consider first person writings as a means of acting. I suppose it's just natural to me to write that way. **shrugs**

And thank you for going back. It helps.

[twain]

Gosh, this is good, this is really good, I have my own idea of how Sere will develop, but surprise me. And ya I had to fill up the what the village is like in my head, so try to describe that for me, maybe in the future start to show what the setting looks like. But other than that this is awesome. I look forward to reading more of it. :D

[Christoph Poe]

Wow, thank you! I'm still working on it religiously, and I'm working on those details as we speak.

And thank you again! I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)

[Decanter Red]

Interesting! The introduction is quite attractive to persuade readers to continue. I understand you have problems with grammar and potential typos, but then I just thought of something:

Put it into a spell checker or grammar editor online!

I know there's the spell checker, but not sure about the grammar editor, but why not give it a try to see if it exist? Half your problems should be gone I suppose.

Perhaps its my nature, but i enjoy a first chapter which has more pace in it. It is pretty much like a presentation to your customers. Before you form any contract, the first stage of salesmanship is to make it as effective, quirky and interesting as possible so you can capture their interest to read future chapters.

Its my personal opinion though, feel free to take it or leave it :)

[Christoph Poe]

I see where you're coming from. I could possibly use this as a second chapter or even disperse it throughout later chapters during my revisions. This second chapter is where the story really begins to unfold, and it may make for a better first chapter. We'll see. :)

As far as grammar goes, my aunt is a professional editor who will be gutting it when I'm finished. I have another editor lined up who is checking it for story-line issues and organization. Regardless, I think I'll look that up just to see. It couldn't hurt. And I'm not just using this as an excuse, but most of the typos are due to autocorrect on my phone. (Long story short, I can't afford another laptop right now.) And my iPhone thinks it knows everything!!!

Thank you kindly for reading! I'll take your thoughts into consideration. :)

Take care,
--Christoph

[Decanter Red]

Hahaha! That was hilarious! I use apple products too, but turned off the auto correct. I heard some really crazy results happen because of it.

I wish I had an aunt who is an editor, unfortunately she is nowhere close to the literary sector :P it's been fun reading though, take care too ^^

[Joshua Hunter]

This is a great story and an amazing start! I have to agree with Katiya K with her issues she presented as i too struggled with the jump from memory to memory and had to re-read some paragraphs to make sure i didn't miss anything. Also the setting too, I see an old time village but it never really told. But it is a great start and you are a great writer. I am intrigued and cannot wait for the next chapter!

[Christoph Poe]

Yeah, I'm going back through to see if I can omit some of the flashbacks or rewrite them in more smoothly that way the reader won't get lost. And you're right about the setting, but I'm still going to include more details. I used to be good about describing the scenes well, but with others complaining that I've overly-described the scenes I guess I forgot to describe them all together. Lol. Thank you kindly one again! Your thoughts help. :)

Take care,
--Christoph

[Joshua Hunter]

Glad I could help! Can't wait for the next chapter!

[Katiya K]

Now I'm going to be really nit-picky with you because I see lots of potential behind this story and the themes of this book. So here we go:
-Obviously you have grammar mistakes - not a big deal.
-One thing that I would have liked to seen in the beginning was more description or rather detail on the setting of the place. Where is it located? What sets it apart from a normal village? At first I thought this was taking place in modern times and actually I'm still uncertain when it is taking place. Setting is a really good thing to establish in the beginning of a story such as yours because it gives the reader a good background and clears up any confusion that we might have as we read on.
- Structure/Format: I'm not really fond of the way you jump back and forth from memory. It's a little confusing. It helps the audience if you show events in a sort of consequential way. For example, each memory and event that takes place should have an obvious meaning as to why you presented us with that piece of information. It should also connect with each other. (You said to be continued so I'm sure it will be cleared up in the next chapter).
-Symbolism: The blue hair seems to be something of importance...does it symbolize something? This piqued my interest because for one its natural and she's a human and Sere keeps down playing it.

I can't wait to read the next chapter. I hope you don't think I'm being harsh!! Over all I was really interested in your theme and I did like the way you provided almost a poetic description of the cloro tree. :)

[Christoph Poe]

This is one of the best reviews I've ever received! Honestly. :)

You're right about those flashbacks: I'll cut them back and only use them in times where they'd be more important.

I can illustrate a better setting as well. I suppose that's an issue I've got to figure out with myself, because I try to stay as far away from 'flowery' descriptions. I've been at fault for that in the past, so I've got to issue a balance.

No, you're not harsh! I really appreciate you taking the extra time and effort to lay it all out in front of me, and I'll do my best to fix the problems in my future revisions.

In the mean time, if you have anything in particular you'd like me to look at, send me a quick message and let me know what you'd like me to specifically look at. I enjoy reviewing as well! It's just so hard to figure out who is and isn't going to appreciate my thoughts...

So enough rambling! Thank you kindly once again, and have a great day! :)

--Christoph

[Katiya K]

I'm glad I could help! :)

All these things, structure, setting, theme, character, and symbolism can be used to create a really amazing story.

Haha 'flowery'! You can definitely - like you said about the flashbacks - put in certain more detailed descriptions to things of importance and leave the lesser unimportant things out of your 'flowery' description haha. As a reader we tend to pick out things with more detail because sometimes we need to remember it for later on.

But anyways, thank you! :) I will (send you a message & have a good day). You too!

[Christoph Poe]

So it's officially finished if you'd like to give it another shot. (The actual content that is. I've not fully revised it with all the helpful hints, though some are eliminated.)

[touchthesky]

Amazingly well written and an interesting topic. Please continue. Your an awesome writer and I see a bright future ahead of you. Good luck and if you don't succeed the first time remember, Harry potter was rejected by twelve publishers.

[Christoph Poe]

Wow, thanks for the encouragement! I really appreciate it. :) I highly doubt it's ever as successful as Harry Potter, but I'm not saying it wouldn't be nice. Haha.

Thanks again,
--Christoph

[touchthesky]

It could be. I know if you finished it I woke buy the book. Good luck on your writing and I wish you the best. (:

[Christoph Poe]

As someone who's shown interest, I was just going to let you know that the content of the chapter is officially finished. If you wish to finish, GREAT! If not, then you're free to go. LOL. Thanks again for the help.

--Chris

[Pryde Foltz]

Intriguing I want to know more

[Christoph Poe]

Thank you for reading! I'm updating it as I go, so it's up to you if you'd like to keep up.

Take care, and thanks again!

--Christoph