ECCLESIA: Episode One: "Alibi"

If you enjoy background music, this is the song I've listened to religiously to set the mood for my first chapter. http://youtu.be/MYr1YXnIKPk

ECCLESIA:
Episode One: "Alibi"

"I lived in a time alien to the real world,

"A time blind,

"Colorless,

"And jaded.

"Later I discovered a time that could organize my hardships

"In a life worth living a million times over.

"And so,

"That time is,

"Ecclesiax2-1,476,

"The year of pure winter."

We stayed in a cabin just on the outskirts of the village despite my father's occupation as a member of the Village Council. We could easily have lived among the high class community, but my parents chose a different path, an easier low-class trail off in the country-side. I looked upon my parents relationship as beautiful, their methods on caring for my sister and I equally perfect. I never saw myself or my sister as attention seekers, though my sister once threw a tantrum in the market place when my father forbade her a new dress. She hardly left a mark on society though; she didn't stand above a crowd--not on the same levels that I did.

Snow filled the crevasses of the windows, falling heavily on a late evening. I listened to my parents and a neighbor discuss me as if I didn't exist, laying in the heat of a fireplace right before them in the living quarters floor.

Mrs. Pert asked my mother: "Her hair is gorgeous, who mixed the hair dye?" I recall her flamboyance as a nuisance.

My mother and father looked upon each other hesitantly. "Her hair is not colored; it's natural," my mother responded politely.

Our neighbor raised a brow, and continued: "And you say she is human. You've noticed no strange phenomenons?"

The woman's eyes sat heavily on me as I bathed in the light of the fire, a wooly rug beneath my belly. I stretched a strand of my bangs across my face and observed the color. The dark blue was as natural to me as breathing: it never crossed my mind that it attracted so much attention.

My father placed his glass of wine on the coffee table. "We've noticed nothing unusual yet. She's only ten years old. She has a few more years."

I focused on the strands of hair as I twisted them, the adults but a twinkling blur in the background.

"Do you not remember when you first discovered your abilities? There should be signs somewhere by now, even at ten years old." Mrs. Pert explained.

My mother rested her hands and shook her head. "I'm afraid there's nothing but the color of her hair. She'd be the first human on my side of the family in generations."

My mothers words alarmed me. In a child's eyes, being 'different' was not only exciting, but equally terrifying.

A few days passed as me and only my mother were home waiting for my father and sister to arrive from the marketplace. She read her book. I had seen her reading it so many times, and regretfully wished I could remember the title, but it didn't take much for me to break her from it.

"Why am I human?"

Mother closed her book, and turned her gaze to me. She combed her hair with her fingers for a moment, and then patted the couch for me to come sit beside her.

She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me close. "We're all human. You eat and I do too." The resonance of her voice eased me. "I breathe the same air you do. What is there not to understand?" She looked down upon me, but I could not stare directly back.

"Mrs. Pert said I was Human, and you said that I'd be the first born in your family in a long time," I repeated the conversation for a more direct question.

Her concentration trailed off. "Yes!" she shook me. "Yes, you will be the first Human born in many years in my family." And her smile warmed me just as strongly as her optimism did. "But you're not the only Human. There are others like you."

I revolted quickly: "Others with blue hair?"

"No, baby, not everyone has blue hair," she laughed, and I didn't entirely understand it at first. "You're the only person I know with blue hair, Human and Non-Human."

The facts came to make sense within time. My mother apparently sugar-coated them, because what she should have told me was that I was one of the few people in the village who was not born with abilities, and once I learned of my helplessness, my father even revealed less and less of his talents around me.

--Ecclesiax2-1,478--

At twelve years old, if I had no signs of abilities then I would more than likely never develop them. As if I was born without legs or arms--possibly both--my family began to hide themselves around me, and do things as I did.

Later one evening, my mother laid in her bed suffering a mild headache. My father, my sister and I assumed her role as the cook. I fetched from across our dirt road a bucket of water from the neighborhood well. I left my father attempting to strike a fire in the oven using the friction between two stones, but if they had at all been used, the stones had sat in the cupboard for many years.

I stood by the well and watched him curse and struggle through the kitchen window. He possessed an ability to create fire upon will, and refused to do so because of me. I was grateful to have such an amazing father, though watching my family suffer due to my lack of abilities became difficult to bare. I took the pail of water to the kitchen, sat it on the counter, and with my father paying little attention to me, I snatched the stones from his hands.

In attempt to cover up the compassion behind his actions, he said: "I need those to start the fire." He rose from the pits of the oven, and kept a stern yet solemn expression from behind his knotted beard.

The tension forced my sister to halt her preparations for the dinner table and leave the room.

"Father, you don't need these. It's obvious what you're doing, and I'm telling you that it doesn't matter anymore." Though, it did, but I'd never show it.

I wasn't as convincing as I hoped. He glared at me, but I glared back, and our attempts for intimidation grew to suffocating levels. "Give me the stones or you won't be eating." His brow bent across the gentle stare of his eyes, and the nostrils of his nose flared.

I left him one of the two stones, and fled out the back door.

He screamed my name: "Sere!" (sair)

A Cloro Tree hung over me as I rested on a rotting bench. The stone met its fate as I tossed it far into the thick wood line, passed the bent posts of the fence, and into a dark cloud of brush. With no remorse to my actions, I leaned back and propped myself on my arms, the wood of the bench rough and prickly on my palms.

The wind blew. The leaves whistled and howled. The limbs bent. The grass grew slightly and unnoticeably with heavy bundles of white, gold, and red flowers bending their stalks. The clouds shifted at the horizon, plummeting into a higher atmosphere like molten rock exploding at the ocean floor. The Cloro tree bowed to the wind like the fit gentleman he was. His arms waved to flash beams of light across my cheeks, and I'd occasionally squint.

My father and mother used to sit on the bench and tend to my sister and I as we played in the dirt...the sandy pit now diminished to a dry spot of gravel while wild plants grew around and took it over. Now, I sat at the bench where my parents sat, and stared at the remainder of my childhood, when problems were took on much more optimistically and were easily forgotten.

"You know this isn't easy," my father placed his hand on my knee. "You're different, and there's nothing wrong with that."

I appreciated his blunt attitude he often used on me, but despite what I should have expected, I winced at his words. "You, Mother and Lorri don't have to feel sorry for me," I said. "I'm perfectly fine. I feel like something is wrong with me when you hide yourself."

My father exhaled and turned his head. "I suppose you're right."

"I am?!" I whiplashed.

"You are right," he spoke while smiling.

I nodded my head, and gave in to him. "I miss seeing your fire. I haven't seen it in so long."

He flipped his hand, his knuckles painlessly jarring into my calf.

"You mean this?!" he asked as the heat waves barreled from his palm, bending the light, blurring the grass behind it. A tiny miss-constructed spark died. I flinched at the pop, and following came a strong flame the length of his index finger. My first smile was weak, a mere twinge at the corner of my lips, but when he rose to his feet, I couldn't help but to beam.

He spun his arm with a wheel of white fire following it. He then thrusted his palm into the air as a string of flames twisted into the sky, whipping the wind.

"That's what I miss!"

I continued to lean myself across the bench, and waited for the flames to dissipate and fade away nonexistent.

He sat beside me once again. "Your mother and I are sorry for doing this to you."

The cabins at the horizon flooded my visual concentration, specs of people moving across their yards. A brown horse kicked and stomped at his trainer. I responded to my father: "You're sorry for being amazing parents?"

"How did I raise you to have such a great sense of judgment?!" he jerked his head humorously, as my mother would often do.

My father often stood beside me before my mother did. We kept a typical father daughter relationship, and I found nothing wrong with that. Considering I was Human, I may have depended on him more, and he may have taken higher means to protect me. He may have even loved me more than my sister, but that was an unquestionable accusation.

Time fluttered by to the year Ecclesiax2-1,482.

At sixteen, my sister walked down a white carpet to meet the man she'd spend the rest of her life with. My parents, and I sat in the front row distraught by her departure into a new life. The ceremony was assembled outdoors, passed the edge of town with nothing more than the natural world surrounding us. The canopies of trees hung green patches across a sherbet sky, shadows patched across the man rows of seats behind me. Her dress trailed down an old plight of stone stairs like white water frozen in time, polished stones of bright browns and gold hanging around her neck and waist. Her hair rested naturally across her bare backside with curls at the tips identical to mine. She had my fathers mashed nose, and my mothers pail skin. She'd smile for a few moments, and then quickly turn serious. I held my composure despite her lack of control over the joyous moment in her life.

I convinced myself I wouldn't miss her, and even though some memories were more negative than others, continuing life at home without her would be difficult. We once fought over a toy in the living quarters floor. I recalled the anger and devastation I felt when my mother took it from me and handed it to Lorri, and Lorri knew the toy rightfully belonged to me. Her sneer smile was enough to redden my cheeks. "Sere, did Lorri have it first?" my mother asked in a threatening tone. I shook my head from left to right in panic, my eyes wide.

Lorri lied: "I had it first, and Sere snatched it out if my hands!"

My mother was occupied with other duties and did not take the situation seriously, choosing sides with my sister.

Lorri played with the noise maker for a few more moments after my mother left the room and just as soon as my mother closed her bedroom door, I slapped her across the jaw and took the toy.

I was five years old, and she was ten. And now, I gazed upon her womanly figure standing taller than I'd ever seen her stand.

The man standing across from her came about two years before. Lorri explained to me their 'classical meeting' at the market place when she was nearly trampled by a runaway horse and buggy. Krio Lorally--may I add my sister's name was now Lorri Lorally?--appeared out of no where and pulled her into a black cloud of smoke, and then she woke behind the counter of the shop he worked at, on her back spread across the floor. Krio stood over her, and apparently, that was all they needed to move on.

I squinted my eyes at the thought, would I ever be as lucky as her? Jealousy did not consume me; there were no hints of rage or anger to contradict any of my hidden actions. I too struggled to hold back my smiles, welcoming all the happiness into her life.

The village leader stood behind them, and guided the audience to silence with a polite gesture, nodding his head and raising his arm. "Lorri, you may now place your hand."

Krio wore a brown leather vest that hung over his right shoulder, his left shoulder strapless and his white collared shirt beneath unbuttoned to the center of his chest. Lorri reached with her right hand and held it flat against Krio's chest.

The village leader rose his old chin to further announce: "This man has given himself firstly and only to Lorri Avalor. He has opened his heart to Lorri and he swears to give only Lorri passage," he spoke carefully and with great dignity. His vocal cords were raspy and beaten away in time like the weathering of an ancient sculpture's surface; if anything, his sounds were soothing and reeked of wisdom.

I heaved a deep breath as silence followed, the trees rustling their leaves at the winds grasp.

"Krio," the village leader called. "You may now place your hand."

Krio reached for Lorri's chest, her sleeveless dress allowing him bare access just above her left breast.

"Breathe," the village leader demanded. "Feel the beat of each others heart."

The heart in my own chest thumped. I watched the expression across my sisters face melt into the reality of the moment, her eyes gazed upon a feeling I had yet experienced.

The village leader broke the silence. "By the infinite strings that connect us all, I now declare Krio and Lorri Lorally a link in the chains of life."

That night, the hype of the ceremony fell to near nothing for most, but it continued to rest heavy on my shoulders. I rose from my bed unable to sleep. The steady clinks of dishes ticked into the night, and I found myself standing in the archway of the kitchen where my mother washed dishes by the soft glow of a candle.

She wore her night gown, an old and tattered piece of clothing that my father swore he'd burn if she didn't replace it. The right pocket dangled, ripped from its threads by the knob of her bedroom door. It's colors faded over the years as well: once it beamed a bright yellow with tiny prints of red flowers. I watched the pastel colors of her gown twitch against the backdrop of the brown cabinets as she struggled to scrub the guts of a pot, the scrapes particularly irritating to my ears.

Then the scrubbing stopped, and the water in the sink settled. My mother leaned over the counter propped on her bent arms. Her head began to fall between her shoulders, and slightly wobble...a sobbing echo followed.

My mouth stayed open for a few moments after, hesitant to speak. "Mother?" I called quietly.

She jumped.

"Are you alright?" I asked.

Her voice was drained: "How long have you been standing there?"

I responded with the frame of the archway pressing against my shoulder. "I've not been here long."

She sniveled with her back still turned to me. My chest swelled, and deflated. I turned my attention down to the wooden planks of the floor, dark stains had rubbed a trail that followed close to the counters. Lorri helped set the trails, I thought to myself.

"Why aren't you asleep?" she asked.

My lips fell apart only enough for the cold air to breeze across my teeth, and then I proceeded to explain: "You were making a lot of noise, so I wanted to check on you."

My mother turned towards me, and crossed her arms. "I'm sorry I woke you," she said as she rubbed her eye.

"It's alright," I looked down. "It's strange not having her here anymore."

"I don't know if it's that, or the fact that I'm getting older. Time slips away so easily."

"Time slides by at the same rate for all of us," I explained. She smiled at my words, a faint break of logical hope within the gloom.

She breathed. "Never mind me, I'm overly thinking I suppose."

Over thinking was the mechanism that refused my sleep, I became too aware of the deep subjects that circled life, and my sister's ceremony brought them on in a dangerous yet wondrous fashion.

"I've been thinking a lot too," I mouthed away as if embarrassed. "About the ceremony."

A brief moment of silence came awaiting me to further carry the conversation. My mother waved her hand, a gesture that I should continue.

I pushed my head forward. "What was the village leader talking about at the ceremony?"

She tightened her crossed arms, her backside resting against the edge of the sink. She hummed in thought, closed eyes. "You mean the end of the speech, I'm assuming?"

I nodded.

"Your father and I didn't want to raise you and your sister following everyone else, but I supposed it would come up one day and I'd have to explain."

My brow fell. "Explain what?"

My mother shook her head. "I'm sorry for keeping you away from the questions. Where did we come from? What are our purposes for living? I should have known you'd eventually ask them." I mellowed, the candle light dimming. "Many people believe in the thought that we're all connected by an infinitely long string that's invisible to our eyes. It is a lost religion that came from before the villages time, and that's what he meant when he stated 'I now declare you a link in the chains of life'. We are the links, specifically though, our Children."

I heaved a deep breath. "That's a bit much. Why haven't you ever explained this to me and my sister?"

She turned her head down. "Because your father and I do not believe it. We want you to believe in what you want to believe," she spoke solemnly, and powerfully. "Your faith cannot be altered."

Author's Note

I've incorporated some revisions, as well as a time frame, in which I'm still working out those descriptive kinks. My dumb ass completely missed the fact that this chapter begins in the midst of winter, and I forgot to add those details.

Anyways, thanks for all of your great reviews! They have really helped move me along. :)

Reviews

[Jane P.]

Okay, I totally need to point out that "The time fluttered by" is such a perfect way to signify a time shift! Most writers include stars or line breaks, but this is a lovely transition technique, well done! The interaction between the wind and the Cloro Tree was also excellently written and really captured the imagined world of your story. You have a very well established writing style, with an equally defined pace and structure. I found Sere to be a highly interesting character and her relationship with her family, particularly her father, was beyond adorable!

The humour of Lorri's last name becoming Lorally actually made me start laughing to myself! The wedding was also beautifully described and I think overall this was a very strong opening chapter.I feel like such a nerd, but when you ended with 'The choice is yours' it reminded me of something and I just realised I was thinking of Captain Planet's line "The power is yours!" Totally unrelated point, just saying I love your final line!

There were a few grammatical things I picked up on:
- "I appreciated his blunt attitude he often used on me" This sound a little repetitious, maybe if you replaced 'his' to 'the', the prose might flow better, "I appreciated the blunt attitude he often used on me"

- "and waited for the flames to dissipate and fade away nonexistent." This should be "fade away into nonexistence", or "fade away, nonexistent."

- "She hummed in thought, closed eyes." This should probably be reversed to "eyes closed" or "with closed eyes."

A beautifully written first chapter and I am thoroughly looking forward to reading chapter two!

[Taylor0401]

I've never been great at critiques, and when I do I have a hard time not focusing on spelling/grammar. You said you've got an editor so I'll leave that stuff out since most of it is simple stuff (loosing/losing, lite/light etc).

I really enjoyed this chapter, and I'll definitely be reading on to Chapter 1 (and beyond I hope). There were a couple lines that confused me, and most of them have already been mentioned. The one that I didn't see anything about was ""How did I raise you to have such a great sense of judgment?!" he jerked his head humorously". I'm not sure what "he jerked his head humorously" would look like. Everything I pictured would be too ridiculous for a person to actually do, but maybe that's what you were going for since fathers tend to be silly for their kids. If there's a way to make it clearer what he's doing without spelling it out, maybe you could look into it.

The only other thing I didn't see anyone bring up was this: Sere seems very mature for her age. Almost unbelievably so. The way she talks with her mother at the end of the chapter sounds far too grown up for an eleven year old. If that's something you've done on purpose then forget I said anything, but if not then maybe you could adjust her speech to more accurately reflect her age.

I know this has been said, but I don't care: I loved your description of the Cloro tree. It felt like I was really there. Very well done!

In conclusion, I like what you've got going here, and I'm looking forward to reading the rest. Keep it up!

[Ashleigh Nicole Evans]

I really enjoyed the uniqueness of your story-line especially the fact that Sere is made your dominant character due to her lack of...well...powers. I also enjoyed the manner in which you defined the nuances of the relationship between each of the family members, most of which was carried forth on your dialogue. You seem to have given much thought to the culture and customs of the characters and I enjoyed the novelty you presented, especially the beauty of the wedding ceremony. I think you have a good thing going here and that you should strive to complete this piece of fiction because it has a lot of potential.

However, on the flip-side (and all of my comments are meant to be constructive and not dismissive or condescending because we are all here to learn anyway), the first thing that I would suggest you work on is your grammar as well as your spelling. The purpose of fiction - and fantasy especially - is to draw the reader into another world, to immerse the reader in another life. However, bad spelling, grammar and punctuation detracts from your story because the reader stops focussing on what you wrote and starts focussing on how you wrote it. Also, it can be very confusing to the reader because using the wrong word or using a word that is spelled incorrectly breaks the flow. For example, there were a number of places where my concentration was broken because I found myself having to go back and re-read paragraphs or sentences to make sense of things.

Also, there are basic rules of writing that have been tried and tested and should, in my opinion, therefore be adhered to. One of these, with respect to your writing style, is the general structure of a written piece. In terms of chapters, the basic breakdown is to have a defined Beginning, Middle and End. Which you have done. However, much like chapters, the scenes and the paragraphs that make up a scene should also have a distinct Beginning, Middle and End and each paragraph + scene should strive to SMOOTHLY move the story from the start to the end of the Chapter. I think that when you do get around to editing this piece, you should strive to modify the structure of your scenes so that the reader is not jumping around too much.

I think your writing is very descriptive and you have a vivid imagination and your use of metaphors and similes grabbed my attention from the start, which was wonderful. However, please be wary of how you use metaphors and the like because the images you create in your readers mind do need to make sense or the reader stops and questions what he/she is reading, which is not what you want to have happen. A quick example, I couldn't for the life of me imagine how anything could "plummet higher".

Overall, though, I was very impressed with your ideas and your descriptive manner of writing and I think that if you take the time to polish this draft, you would have a truly beautiful and unique work of fiction on your hands. Well done!

[Glen Yumang Manese]

There's not too much I can add to this chapter... that has not been said already... But word usage... from the first paragraph and throughout the read:

I never saw myself or my sister as attention seekers... this caught my eye immediately...

I never saw my sister or myself as attention seekers... or
I never saw us as attention seekers,

and spelling errors/punctuation... all in all... I was not grabbed to read the whole story in the first few paragraphs... but manage to finish... Of course... that could be due to genre and what I like to read personally... The volume is good... needs a bit more interest within the lines for the reader to keep going and wanting... during the entire... Good day!!!

[Christoph Poe]

I can work with that. :)

I'm leaving the grammar up to my editor to siphon out. I know it's terrible. I try though. Haha.

I hate it that you didn't enjoy it as much, but if its not in your interests, well, it's just not in your interests. I thank you for trying and going through it though! :) I know it can be difficult to review pieces that aren't very appealing story-wise.

Take care,
--Christoph

[Samuel Jack]

Really enjoyed this dude. I won't critique the grammar as I'm mildly dyslexic, so I'm no use to you there I'm afraid my friend.

I read a lot of fantasy novels, so I understand that you don't want to explain the entire world in a paragraph, I see a lot of reviewers of first chapters moaning about not understanding the story, it's a fantasy novel! Your meant to slowly immerse yourself in it. I like the world your creating and the family dynamics regarding the powers.
As I said, this is real fantasy writing, your taking your time and building up the story, not just splurging it all over the first chapter, revealing all the details.

There were a few bits where Sere was in her memories but still in the normal narrative flow, I followed it no problem, but I feel the memory dialogue should be a little more distanced from the rest of Her thoughts.

I'm looking forward to chapter two.

Good work!

[Christoph Poe]

Thanks man! I'm happy to hear you understand the strategy and logic behind my writing. I really hate when I read other works and you're just DUMPED with information. If I were to sit down and try to explain this world, I'd probably have about 10,000 USELESS words by the end.

I just updated the next episode, so you'll be the first person to read that much of the story. It's more direct than this first chapter, because its recently occurred to me that this sits better as my prologue. Feel free to be blunt and honest on any elements.

Thanks again! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
--Christoph

[Matt]

You've really got me interested from the whole blue haired human and other people have powers point. I'm no natural critic so I won't say a great deal. What I will say is that in my opinion I think this could do with being in 3rd person perspective or multiple 1st person perspectives so that you can have previous events shown rather than retold by the Sere herself. For example the events when her hair was mentions could be a scene itself as part of the buildup, rather than feeling like it was mentioned to get it out of the way. Though even doing that you can still write through from Sere's perspective as draft and maybe do a write up of some scenes from other characters points of view like her parents. So that you could do multiple 1st person perspectives or adapt to 3rd person narrative rather than the one view. It's by no means wrong to do of course there are so many books that do and it reads great but I hope that I've given you something helpful to think over and open up your options. Plus I'm really interested in the story so I'm going to read the second episode. Keep writing. :)

[Christoph Poe]

Well, it's funny that you mention changing perspectives, because I do exactly that in the next book. (I have a 6 part series planned. I've been working on this for about 10 years now, which I failed to add in the notes.) But yeah, you get your wish, but you won't see it anytime soon. Lol

[Matt]

Aha you are a better man than me, sounds epic. I haven't mentioned my couple of stories to anyone, due to them being a mishmash of parts like little broken half dreamed worlds. Plus I get bored easily so I start and leave them to come back ages later. Well done for sticking at it and good luck with the rest of it.

[Christoph Poe]

I actually tried the opposite--I tried putting the book down and starting another one, but I can't stop thinking about this world. So I've decided to give it one final try, and it's what you just read. If its not good enough, then I guess it's time to face the real world and do something else with my life. :/

[John Lauterbach]

Well this was nice, I enjoyed it quite a bit.

"Loosing her place" caught my eye, and "plummeting into a higher atmosphere" was confusing to read, like 'falling up.' There's a lot of different language here, which I appreciate and enjoyed - it kept me engaged - but some of them were difficult to imagine. "Shadowy voice" stood out that way; I like it, but I can't picture it. Anyways, good on you for being original. Cliches put holes in your brain, or make your palms hairy or something.

I'd take out the pronunciation of Sere's (Sair's?) name and just let the reader figure it out. They'll come up with their own version anyways, with such an uncommon name.

I think you should expand on the setting a bit more. I get a 'middle of the woods' kind of feeling from it, but no details. After that bit about Sere's father's fire, I know you can make a cabin/village sound interesting.

After all that complaining; There should always be something about the main character that makes them special. Convention says we writers give them something special to emphasize them against the common, supporting characters. I love how you've given everyone else that 'something special' and taken it away from Sere to keep it fresh. I also enjoyed the parallels to our reality, such as Krio and Lorri's 'marriage' and the Cloro tree. Little altered details like that make these people feel more alive and cultured than a lot of fantasy writers can capture.

You've got my interest, I want to see where this story goes!

[Christoph Poe]

(I know I replied to this the other day...)

I just wanted to thank you for giving this a read! I'm glad you seemed to enjoy it. Others have had similar complaints, and once I'm a few episodes ahead, in coming back to put your advice to the test to see what I can do.

And I've struggled with making this world real and believable to my readers. My first manuscripts were in third person, so I attempted a first person version of it after realizing that I literally only focused on Sere's character anyways, and out came this.

Thanks again for reading. :)

Take care,
--Christoph Poe

[Krystle Lewallen]

I can see where you made a few revisions, unfortunately that made other things stand out for me. I don't want to put your work down because honestly it is very interesting and going in a great direction so that is not my intention. You have a way with words that is superb. I know that you are having trouble transitioning the scenes so let me give you an example of scene transition:

'He screamed my name: "Sere!" (sair)

A Cloro Tree hung over me as I rested on a rotting bench.'

It sounds like a whole new scene when you start talking about the Cloro Tree but I don't think that was your intention? I would try this:

'He screamed my name: Sere!" (sair)

Running into the woods I came upon A Cloro Tree. It hung over me as I took rest on a rotting bench.'

It just makes way for a smooth transition. I don't know what do you think? And I don't really know if she is running into the woods, backyard or what but you can insert the correct place there.

There is a place where Sere asks her mother, "Why am I human?" When her mother responds she tells her that we're all human but then she says "What is there not to understand?" It seems like Sere is confused so this line throws me, "What is there not to understand?" I can see her saying "Does that answer your question?" or "Does that clear up your curiosity?" Maybe you were going for something different here but that's just the way I took it.

Were you say 'The time fluttered by.' I would drop 'The' and just go with 'Time fluttered by.'

At the end mom says that she knew that Sere would ask questions then she states three specific questions and I'm thinking, ooh I 'm going to get answers to these. But then I don't and I'm like, ah man. I love the whole everyone being connected by an infinite string. That's pure genius and I can't wait to see where that goes. But I wouldn't have the characters voice questions that aren't going to be addressed right away. Not saying that those questions have to be answered but at least addressed. That's just me, I have read A LOT of books and everyone has there own type of book they like so this is just my opinion. I just want to help, that's why we put our work here right? I hope this does just that. I'm going to read your next chapter, can't wait :)

[Christoph Poe]

Okay. I can take that and run with it.

It's so difficult to see things like that in your own writing unless someone points it out. So I highly thank you for going back to find it!

I think I do this at time to avoid repetive actions, such as exactly what you mentioned: 'running'. Haha. However, I think it's necessary to show these things, even if they stand by themselves as a sentence kind of boring. I'll see what I can do with it, a d hopefully come up with something that's not boring.

Transitioning, as you said, has been difficult for me as well! As a painter also, I've always managed to describe things fairly well, but I've learned that in writing you have to strongly display action along with description. I'm still struggling to combine them, but thankfully I've improved as you and others have pointed out these errors.

So I'll thank you again! Hopefully I'll get this right one day. :)

--Christoph

[Krystle Lewallen]

Writing is an art, sometimes it all just comes to you swiftly but other times you have to struggle. But I think the important thing is that you keep moving forward. Some of my favorite authors have said that they would write a book and it was a "seat of your pants book," but other books they have written they would need more structure, using outlines and what not. I am currently writing two books and am experiencing this. One I am just writing with no trouble coming up with scenes, plots and subplots but the other, oh boy. I am trying to outline it because it's all over the place.

And I definitely agree that action and description have to be equals in a book. Good luck with it, I am excited to read more.

[Joshua Hunter]

I love the new updated version, a lot easier to follow and and the new information is great along with the new ending! Great job!

[Christoph Poe]

I missed this for some reason?

And thanks for keeping up. I hope you find it interesting enough to keep up with it.

[KisuKimmi]

It sounds like the start to an interesting story.
Plenty of other people have pointed out revisions so I'm just going
to say good job. =)

[Christoph Poe]

Thank you kindly!

--Christoph