Chapter 19

It's almost the end of February before Ryan can work up the courage to say his last goodbye. He wants Julia to have real closure, because he is afraid she will dissolve into herself if he doesn’t and Ryan really, really doesn't want that to happen. Not just because it would be his fault, but also because he wants her to enjoy her life, not mourn the reality.  More than anything he wants Julia to be glad to be alive, to be happy for having known him for a little while, even though it didn’t last forever.  So he has to say goodbye, he has to let Julia go.

He starts talking when they're sitting out on the porch, wrapped up together in woolen red blankets. The others protested when Ryan said he wanted to stargaze, they claimed he would catch cold and that with his condition it was too risky but he is stubborn. Besides, Julia was there to make sure he stayed warm, and it wasn't like Ryan could get much sicker. They might not have realized it, but Ryan' clock isn't operating in terms of weeks anymore. It's ticking down the days, and soon it will only be hours and minutes that turn to seconds.

"I love you, Julia," he says, picking his head up from the reclined position so he is looking at her. "I hope I have made that clear."

"you do," Julia says. "I love you too." That makes Ryan smile, because he knew it but it is nice to hear it from her in words rather than in actions.

"I know," Ryan says. "you gotta keep going ya know? Move on, go make somethin’ of yourself, find someone else who will love you like I did. You can’t give in."

Julia freezes, her entire body suddenly tense. "What?" she almost chokes on the word, to her, right now he couldn’t have hurt her any worse. The idea was ludicrous; you don’t move on, you just get by in her experience.

"Julia. You knew this was coming, knew I would say it. That yes, you've lost too many people, but that doesn’t mean you will lose everyone, someone, somewhere will love you, just like you did me and I did you. It’s because I love you that I am demanding that you give them a chance"

“Hypocrite” she says and he is a little taken aback.

“I didn’t have a choice” Ryan eyes widen showing a little more of the blue orbs.

“Yes you did, don’t you think for one minute, not one goddamn minute that I don’t know. You stopped treatment ‘cause you were tires, you could have had a life”

“You know that’s not true” She does now that but it doesn’t make it hurt any less, or make her any less angry. She doesn't respond and Ryan is nearly positive that Julia is trying not to cry based on the scrunched shoulders and the death grip on the striped blanket. "You can't blame yourself for this. I got sick, it’s just nature. It had nothing to do with you, these things happen sometimes. And yeah, it's f*****g tragic, but what are ya’ gonna do right?  Because when I my heart stops beating there will be nothing left of me and I don’t want you to try to hang on to that, you'll still have the pack. You won’t be alone. So just promise me you'll keep going."

"I promise” The words sound forced, but Ryan isn't going to argue with them. He knows how much more difficult it will be for her to actually go through with that promise when the time comes.

"I'll hold you to that promise." There is a pause where he gazes a sorrowful Julia, he lightly turns her face to look at his own “I will never be far”

They sit together in silence for a long time, peacefully in each other's company. Finally Peyton comes to get them because they'd only agreed Ryan could go out for an hour and it's been two. Ryan does, without argument; he has said what he needed to. Time to go.