Chapter 18

Ryan stops his mom from leaving by catching her sleeve, like he had when he was little and had wanted just one more  bed time story. "Mom?" he asked, his actions may have spoken of a child but his tone was of a man eroded by years of wisdom.

"Yes, Ryan?" his mom asks, turning her gaze back to her brown haired boy. Ryan wants to stop, wants to back out but it's too late. He needs to do this, he can feel the days slipping away like sand through his fingers. He knows he doesn't have much time left.

"I love you. I love you so much and I don't want to leave you, I don't," he says, all in one breath, just like he always used to. It makes his mom crack a smile for the first time in what feels like years. "If I could, I'd stay here, with you, for forever, but it doesn't work like that."

His mom is taken aback, she had dreaded this moment, when her little boy became the stoic soldier in the face of death. "I know, Ryan. I love you too." Oh god she hopes that he stops talking now, lets her go another night without those words. Words that will sound far to grown up for her baby.

"Mom, I need you to keep going" Ryan says, a little desperately. He's more worried about the after effects than the immediate death itself. He wants desperately to protect his mom from being alone, and it is hard for him to accept that he can’t fix that. But he can try.

"Ryan…" his mom sighs, but she doesn't have the words to continue.

Ryan does though, he's been thinking about this for a while. "I know you mom, you need someone to take care of and I can give you that, and without that you will shut down. Soon you won't have to worry about me, but they'll be getting into all sorts of trouble, Sam and them, you know they will."

"Ryan. You're my son. I can't just replace you. No matter how much they might need someone or how much I care about them, you will always be my kid, my son. And I can't let go of that. I'll never be able to let go of you."

This is exactly why Ryan needs to do this, needs to this to have an ending because if he doesn't say something now, she will forever dwell on the on the deaths of the husband and son she couldn’t save. "Mom. I know. I know that you love me. I know that I'm your son and I always will be, but just because they don’t share my blood doesn’t mean they aren’t a part of this family.” Ryan refuses to cry, because he needs to be firm with her so he can ensure that the pack and her find each other. “this is one tragedy to far, it will shatter them, they have lost so much already, I can’t leave without being sure that you all will be ok”

Ryan hates this, hates guilting his mother into this, but he knows that in the end this will be for her own good. They're silent for a long moment before his mom lets out this long, shuddering sigh and leans over to press a kiss onto Ryan' forehead. "I'll try, for you. I'll try"

"That's all I ask. I love you Mom, I always will, no matter what." His mom doesn't leave until after Ryan has fallen asleep, instead he just sits on the edge of the bed, stroking Ryan' short hair until he's lulled into sleep, the same way he was when he was a baby. Then the middle aged single parent gets up and goes to her own room, knowing full well that tomorrow she might just be middle aged and single.  Jane Sails cries then, as she hasn't let herself in a long time. Really, truly sobs. In frustration, in anger, in desperation, and most of all, in grief. 

By some miracle she finds a way to gets up in the morning.