Chapter 17

Sam's the one he doesn't have to be strong for, the one he doesn't have to ask things of. He and Sam had always been connected. So Ryan knows that whatever he says he will understand completely, so he could say good bye, but also so he could let go a little himself.

"I'm angry," Ryan says, out of the blue. "I'm really, really angry. I'm only seventeen, I shouldn’t be dying yet"

Sam puts down his black controller and turns to face Ryan, face sober. "I know."

"Sometimes I lay awake at night and just think about how unfair this is. But I can't say it out loud, because I can't do that to you guys. I can't let them know how angry I am. I won’t get to graduate high school or go to college. I will never get married or have kids. I’ll just be gone"

"I know" Sam says and that does make Ryan feel better. Sam understand that Ryan doesn’t need advice or comfort he needs to be angry, to yell at someone because after everything he has been through he is entitled.

Ryan dashes away the tears that are threatening to fall. "I'm scared. I don't want to die. I had my whole life ahead of me and then some doctor tells me I have cancer, then tells me that there is nothing he can do and poof it’s gone, my life, what gives them the right? What did I do wrong that I deserve this?"

“It isn’t a punishment, it is genetic.” Now that was what he needed to hear, Ryan need to be told the answer strait, logically so that he can remember the science behind it, instead of nightmares. They cry together, as they haven't since Sam first found out. Sam and Ryan have been saying their goodbyes for months now, in little ways. Ever since that weekend in October. So Ryan doesn't have to say anything else, just that acknowledgement of the fact that he's not totally at peace is what they both needed because their actions have always spoken so much louder than their words.

Sam already knows everything he would say anyway. They just need to share this moment of acknowledgement that this whole situation is out of their control and no one is to blame. After their tears dry they'll go back to video games and try to pretend that time isn’t still ticking away.