Chapter 16

"I'm dying," Ryan says to Bri one day the next week after he had confronted Kyle. It's now February and the days are slowly starting to warm up while Ryan just gets weaker and weaker. "I'm dying," he repeats when she just looks at him with wide eyes that are filling with tears that she was determined to not let fall.

"I know," she whispers "I know, Ryan."

“Do you?”

“Yes”

“Don’t think for one second that I don’t notice that you have been distant, I don’t think you have really dealt with this yet”

“No one knows how to deal with this.” She replies simply.

“It is a fact, you can’t help me, and I need you to not need me.”

“You know I can’t do that, I will always need you” Bri is crying now, with tears dripping from the tip of her nose and clinging to her cheeks. “you’re my best friend, my brother, the only one who gets me”

“You can want me but I can’t always be here for you babes.” She feels a little flutter of sentiment, sometimes she forgets that he calls her that, and she realizes that one day she will walk into the house and that Ryan won’t be there to say it. “You will always have our memories.” Her chin is wobbling as she grows closer and closer to hysteria. He sits down next to her on the bed and slides his arm around her shoulders and tugs her close into a hug so her head can rest against his neck. “I have something for you” He hands her a small notebook, it almost destroys her.  This little, tattered notebook holds all the stories he had ever written, all the memories that he hadn’t wanted to forget so he put to paper. She had bought it for him 2 years ago, they used write together, share notes between them, and I was everything to her, it was all she would have left of herself proclaimed brother “So you can remember me, because it's going to be soon and you need to be prepared."

“Ryan, please d-don’t do this to me? You’ve still got time. Keep it you will need it"

"Bri ," he says, and he makes the rebuke in his voice as gentle as possible, because the last thing he wants to do is hurt her. "I can’t put it off indefinitely."

"Just a little while longer?" Bri  pleads, her tears are already making his shirt wet. "I'm not ready to let you go yet.”

Ryan doesn't say anything for a long moment, the only sound is Bri’s muffled whimpers that disappear into his green shirt. It gives Ryan time to gather his thoughts, because he knew this one was going to be the hardest yet, but he still wasn't ready. “I’ll keep it ‘till the end, but next time I give it to you, it really will be our last chance. I need to ask you to do something for me.”

“Anything” she whispers.

“They are going to break, Ben, Peyton, Kyle, Sam, Katie, and Julia, they are going to need someone to keep them in line, make sure they don’t do anything stupid, and that person has to be you” 

He knows this is a lot to ask, he knows that he's telling her that she needs to mourn him now so that she can be the prepare to be the anchor when he not, she can do it. Bri's so much stronger than anyone else he has ever known. She looks weak because she is slight in size, but it is quite the opposite, she is really an inconceivably tough girl. Too bad not many people get to see it.   

"They will need someone to be in charge, to make reasonable decisions"

"This isn't fair."

It's the first time the words have been said out loud since that first melt down that Ryan had, way back in September when all of this really hit him. Now the words just make him tired rather than enraged. He's so tired of everything, he's even tired of being tired. Of course, he's not really sure whether she's referring to the fact that Ryan is dying that's unfair, or if his expectations of her aren't fair.

"I wish I could say it is, but I would be lying, good things don’t always happen to good people, sometimes you just draw the short straw. It’s unfair, in fact, it really sucks, but we need to move on and do the best we can anyway," he tells her, stroking her hair. "And in this case, it's not fair of me to expect you to take care of the pack, but I'm going to do it anyway. Because it's what all of you need."

They're silent for a long while, Ryan lets out a few tears but he mainly just strokes Bri 's hair while she sobs. Her mascara's in trails down her cheeks and her hair is a mess, but she's in control again. She's herself, and that's what makes her so beautiful to Ryan. He was making it hard for her to ignore the reality and the painful truth of it she's only just discovering.

"You're the sweetest, most caring person I have ever met, Bri, and I want you to stay that way. I don’t want this crap to ruin you" Bri winces.

"I can’t promise that it won’t change me, but that doesn’t mean I won’t protect them with my life." Bri 's voice is strong now, and she's no longer whispering. He looks at her for a long moment, gauging how she is and then nods and closes his eyes.

"I love you, you know that right?" she hums something that sounds like yes, then adds that she loves him too. It’s all as right as it could be.

They don't say anything more after that, just take comfort in each other's presence. At some point they both fall asleep and when Katie finds them she knows that Ryan' has said goodbye to one more person. She takes a picture of the two of them curled up on Ryan' bed, because she knows that one day Bri will want it. Katie continues to take pictures, every day of Ryan smiling with them, just to remind them all that not everything ends in blood.