Chapter 15

He and Peyton are sitting in the kitchen together, alone except for his mom who is outside in the garden. It's not rare that Peyton and Ryan are alone in the same place together. It's just rare that none of the others are hovering, but Ryan is grateful for this opportunity. He wants to take advantage of it.

"Peyton, I know we weren't always friends," he begins and Peyton's eyes focus on him with such intensity that he's a little surprised they haven't burned a whole in his own forehead.

"Are you trying to say goodbye?" Peyton asks, sounding terrified, and Ryan wants to know how everyone can read him so well. "Because you can't, not yet. You've still got months." She has got that old demanding tone and that makes Ryan want to smile, but he doesn't. With Peyton, with this goodbye he will be serious. He can't joke around. Peyton had heard many goodbyes in her lifetime but none as hurtful as this would become. Because it does build up, the bodies of people who she couldn’t save, it gets a little worse every time because you realize that you can’t get used to it, and that all around you people have died, it seemed only a matter of time before another dropped, or at least that’s what she felt like. 

"I'm tired, Pey’. I'm so tired all the time," he says and Peyton lets one tear fall. "I need to make sure that I get to say goodbye to all of you before I go. It's important to me."

"But why now? Why can't you wait just a little longer?"

Ryan sighs, because he remembers asking those questions all those years ago. "I can feel it. It’s crawling under my skin. I am on the way out; soon. All of you need this, I refuse to leave you without closure”

Ryan then remembers what he yelled at Julia a long time ago now. He said that she wouldn’t feel it, if she died, all that pain would be on him, be on this unconventional family they had built. He yells that death isn’t the worst part even, the worst part is what comes after, the loneliness, the pit full of unending fire, yet you don’t have enough energy to be angry. The greatest loss is suffered by the one left behind, it rips and tears at who you were and replaces it with what you wish you could have been, together. That’s what really initiates the grief, because it was there, in your fingers and then suddenly it is gone.

Ryan gives Peyton what she needs to hear, hoping that it will get her through nights longer after his death.

"And I don't want to leave the possibility open that I might go without saying goodbye, because I think that is something I would always regret"

"Okay," she manages, rubbing at her eyes but not succeeding in stopping the tears. "If this is your goodbye, then I want you to know that I regret that I hadn’t gotten to know you before all this came around, but you're my Family now, my brother. That will never change" The last part is left unspoken, but Ryan knows that Peyton wants to stay she loves him, but still can’t say it out loud just yet.

"I love you too," Ryan says and Peyton bites back a whimper. “And I want to tell you that when you graduate and go off to school, you have to remember that your pack will still be here for you, even if you are 100 miles away, they will come in a heartbeat, and always be there in spirit"

Ryan worries that being on her own will undo all the progress Peyton that brought her to this point. Mostly he is worried that Peyton will cut all ties to the people and memories of this town after his death, he is scared that Peyton will unravel alone. "Alright, listen up real good because I need you to know this, me dying has absolutely nothing to do with you. It's not your fault, it is not your choice.  There's nothing you could have done. You have to promise me that you won’t beat yourself up for this, this disease is not an effect of knowing, it is a reality that you got tangled into, you didn’t create it. Promise me?"

Peyton nods. “No let me hear you say it out loud” Ryan doesn’t remove his gaze from the now downturn green eyes.

“I promise” Peyton lets out a little sob then and Ryan grips her hand as hard as he can, wishing he had the strength to clutch it harder.

"I will always be your family, even after I am gone. That is my promise to you" Peyton is really sobbing now, and Ryan can see that it is cruel. Ryan will be gone in a few short months and another family member will have left her behind.

Then they sit together for a while, until the rest of the pack shows up. The doorbell normally wouldn’t ring, because they all were so comfortable in his house that they just come in. But at this time of day Ryan would be napping and they knock on the door softly, just to check. Ryan doesn’t answer it, he lets them believe he is asleep and that they should return later. Ryan really wanted to give Peyton more time to recover before she was swarmed. Peyton appreciates this gesture, because she has trouble dealing with her emotions out in the open, it was better that no one but Ryan see her like this.   

Neither person says anything about that goodbye in the future, both intuitively knowing that the words don't need to be spoken aloud again, and that they've made their peace with the circumstances and with each other. Nothing more needs to be said on the topic.