Chapter 12

 

He starts saying his goodbyes at the end of January. He knows that the doctors are hopeful that he'll make it until the end of March, maybe April, but he can feel the end coming. Can feel it in the way his bones don't stop hurting and every day he spends more time asleep. Even when he's awake he's so tired and all he can do to keep talking sometimes is to remind himself of the duty he has to his friends.

And that's really what tells him that it's time. He remembers all those years ago, when his dad had said goodbye to him, he had been so angry, so convinced that he had given up, and it felt like his dad didn’t care enough to fight a little longer for him. Now he understands him a little better, it had nothing to do with not loving him enough, it was because he loved him so much that his Dad thought he deserved hear it, give him a little warning before everything collapsed. It wasn't that he was giving up, giving into the disease, it was that Ryan has accepted the inevitable and chosen to go gracefully.

Ryan wants to follow his father’s example and that means he has to say goodbye to everyone, before they were ripped from his arms, or rather he was ripped away from theirs. He is both threatened and pleasantly surprised that the list was so long. But at the same time, that is a lot of conversations to have, with people who will be determined not to listen.

His mom would have been first, but Ryan can’t let himself hurt her like that. It's the same with Julia and Sam. The three most important people in his life, he can't mess up their goodbyes, so he needs to say goodbye to the others first, so that he'll know what to say the first time. So he decides on Peters first, because he and Ben might be friends, but they are also the two with least history. Besides, Ben seems allergic to emotions. He'll be the easiest, Ryan hopes. And Ryan really does need an easy goodbye.

It's a little strange, because Ben isn’t that close to any of them, he was friendly and helpful of course but he stuck to generic conversation, nothing juristically personal and in this cluster, that was so open about everything, it was strange. But sometimes it was nice to talk to someone that wouldn’t pry.

"You will be ok" Ryan states, knowing that Ben will understand what he's talking about. "You will all be fine.” Ryan isn’t sure if it is more to sooth Ben or himself. Then of course lately everyone has been a little closed off.

Ben doesn't say anything for a long moment. By the time he does speak Ryan has almost given up on an answer. "I know, in the long run, but that doesn’t mean it won’t hurt like hell for a while.” Everyone has been avoiding the truth because it is inconveniently blunt and unavoidable. But it is nice to have someone really talk to him, without beating around the bush.

"You'll watch out for them after I leave, won't you? Make sure they don't fall apart" That was something Ryan has been worried about, not to say he doesn’t love them, but none of them had much common sense, or even much of a concern for self-preservation.

"I promise you, Ryan, I will do everything in my power to take care of them for you," Ben promises while they're standing in the doorway, before anyone else has noticed they've arrived for dinner.

"Thank you, but make sure you let them take care of you, too," Ryan says, feeling as if a weight has been lifted from his chest. "I'm trusting you with them, and them with you. Take care of each other."

Ben looks a little teary at that but is quick to hide it when Bri comes barreling into the room elated that he is awake. Ryan and Ben share one last look, knowing that everything that needs to be said has been said and that's the end. They've reached an understanding.