Chapter 8

Ryan was more nervous for this big reveal than he'd been about getting the test results. He knew they were going to be angry, he knew they were going to be hurt. They would eventually come to understand why he didn’t want to tell anyone. He just doesn't expect them to like it.

They're all gathered in the living room when he finally gets ready to go down from his room, having removed everything that he'd been using to disguise the cancer and the treatment. The pack would understand quickly, just as Sam had.

He's wearing a t-shirt and sweat pants, they do nothing to hide the damage that the cancer has caused. He feels a little naked like this, he's tried so hard to hide this for so long that it feels unnatural to just remove his disguises and bare everything. And he feels awful that he would do this so bluntly. But he couldn’t speak and this was the only way he could.

He navigates the stairs carefully, he's been so tired lately that he's extra clumsy and needs to watch where he's going, especially on the stairs. He doesn't look up until he reaches the bottom and when he does meet the eyes of the pack, all staring at him with various degrees of realization.

Peyton's shaking her head, whispering quiet words of panic. Kyle is holding onto her shoulders, looking confused, but realization is dawning for him too. Sam's holding Katie while she cries into his chest but he meets Ryan's eyes and gives a little nod of support. Bri clings to Ben as if her life depended on it. She got it right away and she is trembling. Ben, is standing in the corner and looks more angry than anything else. But then, Ryan always thinks he looks a bit angry. But Julia, Julia's the worst.

She's standing in front of the fireplace, just staring at Ryan, with this look of complete disbelief and betrayal on her face. She looks like she is either going to cry or hit something very, very hard. Ryan hates the fact that he is the reason for it.

"Um, hi," he says and actually enters the room, going to sit on the recliner that had been left open. "So, this is why I called you all here. But you probably already figured that out"

He's not really sure what to say. He knows that the 7 other people have some idea of what's happening because they can see the bones in his shoulders and the bluish veins climbing his forearms, but he doesn't know how specific of an idea they have.

"Ryan," Peyton cries before clenching her hands even closer to her mouth. Ryan feels the tears welling up but he swallows them back.

"I'm sick," he offers up and Julia flinches, like Ryan hit her. "It's, it's not good. Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia."

The second he says leukemia they're all on the same page. Kyle's confusion is cleared up, but instead he just looks wrecked. "I've, um, known for a few months now. I was waiting to tell you until I knew for sure."

He pauses, meeting each of their eyes for a moment before coming to rest on Julia's. "Knew what for sure? Ryan! Knew what!" Kyle demands and Ryan rips his eyes from Julia's.

"If I was going to win, how long I had left," he simply states like it is just an inconsequential fact.

"And will you? Are you going to win" It's Peyton who asks that. Ryan isn't surprised, she's always been the first to speak. All of them knew the real answer, knew that he had lost.

"Seven months at most, maybe less."

"Can't he take chemo?" Kyle demands, an edge of desperation in his voice. "It saved other people, didn't it?"

Ryan looks down at his hands. He already knows it won’t work, he checked and rechecked hundreds of times, but the answer never changed. He knows the answer, but he can't bring himself to say it. Sam's the one who finally has to do it. "It doesn't work that way. The cancer was too far along now, before it was stage 1 this time it is worse. Stage 3."

No one knows what to say the silence makes him squirm. It is deep and full of unfulfilled promises. Julia is the first to leave, she runs out like it was the only thing her body remembered how to do. Ben follows moments later, but at a much slower, muted walk. Peyton, Bri, and Kyle don't leave for a long time. The girls cry and Kyle has gone plank, he cannot speak or move for a good long time. But eventually they do stop staring and enter the kitchen. Sam gives Ryan a light nod and leaves the room too. None of them would leave really. This news would have the same effect on them as it had on Sam. They were scared to step away, afraid that they would blink and Ryan would be gone. 

In hind sight, he could have handled the announcement better. The next week is uncomfortable, everyone is crowding him like a protective barrier. He doesn’t want to talk to them for a while, it would hurt too much. So he disappears into his room all the time and locks the door. They didn’t mean to but they were the constant reminder of everything he was about to lose. But at the same time he feels he is fortunate, because he gets to live out the rest of his life with them, but they will have to go on without him. He needs to talk to Julia, because this whole circumvention thing is breaking his heart. Ryan understands her distance, because he has broken her. Ripped out her heart and destroyed her thoughts. He knows all too well the ideas that will haunt her, the doubt that will consume her.

Julia shows up in his room 4 days later, Ryan is relieved.

"I thought you'd never show"

"I had to think," Julia says and actually comes to stand over the bed where Ryan laying, he is about to get up but is pushed gently back down. “Don’t be stupid.”

Ryan gives this disbelieving snort in response. "I'm not that bad, not yet. You don't need to treat me like I’m gonna break.”

"I'm sorry that I just disappeared, but I can’t handle this, not now. You are Seventeen Ryan SEVEN F*****G TEEN” Julia is perched at the edge of the bed then and Ryan sits up, leaning back into his pillows waiting, he was expecting this anger and resentment, "you have got no business dying now. I hate this, I can’t do it. I promised myself I would never feel like this again. You promised to never hurt me like that, and you can’t just bail on me here. You promised.”

Julia is trying desperately to sort out her thoughts, to figure out something to say, some magic word that would fix anything. But it doesn’t come to her, and it never will because nothing can be done. That perhaps is what really caused her nonappearance for the past few days. She had been his girlfriend for 2 years but first and foremost she was his best friend of 11 years. She clutched his hand when they were nine and his father became sicker and weaker every day. It seemed hard to believe anyone wouldn’t see the sickness in Jonathan Sails face, yet she hadn’t seen it on Ryan. “I didn’t see it. How could I not see it? It is all over your face. I can’t do this” she repeats again. “I am supposed to believe that with all the medications out there that not one of them can save you, if it can save you than what’s the point?”

“I am sorry” Ryan knows how much this hurts. She ignored him. 

“I know I am supposed to be all supportive and sad, but I just feel angry all the time. I need you here, and that’s selfish and immature but that’s what I need.” Ryan can almost hear her pulse beating erratically. “Your mom told me you just stopped”

“I didn’t want to create false hope, it was gonna kill me anyway, so I made a choice.”

“YOU HAD NO RIGHT” she nearly screams.

“Quit that now! I had every right. I chose to keep you safe, all of you, so you wouldn’t have to kid yourself into believing to get you through the day, ‘cause that will never happen for me, I am not the exception, I’m the rule.”

“YOU DON’T KNOW THAT.” she is actually yelling now.

“I D O KNOW THAT. I KNEW THAT FROM THE BEGINNING.” He is firm with his words talking over her rambling.

“YOU PROMISED.”

“I am so, so sorry” It's not much, and it's not enough, but it's all he has. She stops, she looks at him still hysterical and for the first time the dam breaks and she cries. He won't offer up false hopes because that gets her nowhere except rough spots where sidewalk meets pavement and thought meets disappointment. He might let go of a few tears himself, but mainly he just holds Julia as her world falls down around her.

The next morning when his mom comes in to check on Ryan he finds the two of them curled up in Ryan's bed, tear tracks still visible on their faces. She does not wake them, just quietly shuts the door again and goes downstairs to make breakfast for three. She has a feeling that she will be feeding many mouths for the next few months.