Chapter 6

Sam has noticed that Ryan hasn't been at school a lot this year. It makes him worry, because he might have ended up joining in the pack, but he'll always feels like Ryan is his responsibility, no matter how many times Ryan has proven he can take care of himself. So one Friday at the far end of October Sam goes to see Ryan after he called in "sick" again. What he was about to hear will kill him and what he will see will hurt even more.

"Hello?" he calls out when he reaches the Sail’s house and no one answers the door. Not that unusual, so he just goes in because that's what he's always done. He can hear sound upstairs. There's shuffling feet, a door opening, and then the sound of vomiting.

The wet sound of puke splashing into water engages his gag reflex, because there are some things in the world that no matter what you have seen will always strike as particularly gross.

He can hear the Jane Sails murmuring some words of comfort to her son so Sam heads up the stairs. He expects to find Ryan in sweats and looking like a mess, leaning over the white porcelain while his mom sits on the edge of the tub. He sees some of that and so much more.

Ryan isn't wearing that hat he's had ever since the middle of September and Sam sees for the first time that his hair is gone. It's always been buzzed short, but now it's actually all gone and why didn't he notice?

Ryan does look like a mess, but not in the way that Sam expected. His skin is paler than Sam has ever seen it, it seems almost transparent because he can see the veins climbing his arms. Ryan is shaking, just a little, just enough for Sam to notice, and when Ryan turns to look at him, Sam wants to cry. Because this person doesn't look like Ryan, doesn't look like his best friend. His lips are chapped and bloodless and his hands are trembling so much they can hardly grip the edge of the toilet to keep him upright. His cheekbones are sticking out. His eyes are sunken and speak of 100 years rather than 17. They are so sad, and so very tired. They tell tales of wars fought behind them.

"Ryan?" Sam manages, a ragged whisper, and then his throat closes up with tears, because now he can feel it now. The disease, it is ravaging Ryan's body. He can smell the drugs that are killing him just as much as they are killing the disease. Sam recognizes this smell, he smelled it at the hospital years before when this first attacked Ryan, the first scare that he might have it 2 years ago.

And then he knows, and he can never not know again. But God, he wishes he could. He wishes he never came over, never decided to check up on Ryan, because then he could have continued to live in his bubble of oblivion. But he can't.

He takes a few steps forward, tears already forming, running down his face, and sinks to his knees right in front of Ryan. "No, no, no. Not you, not now" he rages and Ryan begins to cry too, reaching out to hold Sam's hand. But in the end they are sitting on the floor and Ryan is the one comforting Sam who has lost all composure, but he expected that.  

Sam only distantly notices that Mrs. Sails gets up and leaves them alone, gives them the privacy to mourn the fact that everything's different now, that there's no pretending anymore now that Sam knows.

Finally, when they've both gotten themselves under control again, Ryan pulls away and just gives Sam this look that's like a punch in the gut. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you before, but I couldn't."

Normally Sam would call bullshit on this, but he understands this time. He wishes he didn't, but he does. He can't even get the words out, Ryan is really sick, how could Ryan be? What did he have, he hadn’t asked. But he had a nagging suspicion that he was lying to himself about what was really happening.

"It's not always like this, it's just- I just had chemo” and that is confirmation. Sam feels dizzy, he could not tell if it was from the crying or the realization.

Ryan is trying to reassure Sam, and Sam appreciates it, but all Sam wants to do is take his pain away. He wishes it hadn’t happened at all, Ryan didn’t deserve this. No one did but Ryan had already lost his dad, from the same thing, and that’s got to hurt his mother, just as much as the chemo hurt Ryan.

They walk together across the hall after Ryan feels like he is done throwing up. Sam nearly starts crying again, because Ryan leans on him the entire way, leans because he is tired and ravaged and terrified. And Ryan has always been thin, but now Sam can feel his ribs poking him as they limp to the bed, he had lost too much weight.

Sam squeezes Ryan’s hand tightly praying that he will ease the pain, because if he couldn’t help Ryan then what was it good for now. Sam tries to absorb the pain with distractions, but he knows that it's not enough. It will come back, quickly and without warning. Ryan drifts off to sleep quickly, he doesn’t have time to really understand what Sam was doing for him before it had pulled his eyelids down, taking advantage of the first moment of peace he has had in weeks.

"He asleep?" Mrs. Sails whispers from the doorway and Sam nods, easing off the bed to pad over to the door. "Come on, I've got some food going."

"When?" Sam asks when they have both snuck down the stairs and out of earshot.

“September” She says looking down at the plate of food in front of her, she doesn’t feel like eating though.

Three months. His best friend had been dying, for three months and he hadn't known. He hadn’t noticed that his best friend was pulling away, from everyone and everything. Sam wants to throw up. He feels like he is drowning, surrounded by all the clues that he ignored.

"The doctors said the chemo was his best shot” It kills Sam that Ryan’s mom held back tears. That’s when Sam knows it is bad, and that is why Ryan chose not tell them. The uncertainty would kill them all. But Sam gets it now. The uncertainty wasn’t the reason, it was the hope, hope that everyone would cling to. That would kill Ryan, to watch them get their hopes up with one good blood test, then watch it crash down again, he was dying. Really, truly, dying. Ryan isn't going to live much longer, he's just not sure how much longer it will be.

So Sam spends the rest of the weekend there, with Ryan. He calls his parents and tells them everything, they understand why he wouldn’t leave so they don’t try to make him. It's wonderful and terrible all at once, especially because Ryan does seem to get better after that first day. By Sunday he's almost himself again, but Sam can still smell the disease, can still sense his pain that he tries so hard to hide. But he can't hide it anymore, because Sam knows now, and he can never forget it again.

When he finally leaves on Sunday night, he hugs Ryan for a long time, as if they'll never see each other again. “you’re such a chick” Ryan gins,  Sam goes home then. It must be hard to pretend all the time. But at the same time, it helps him get by to see the normal, happy Ryan that he used to see. It steadies him for the long night ahead, the first night he's been away from Ryan. Every scenario runs through his head, but he can’t be there all the time, he would if he could, but the reality is that he has to keep this secret now too. Act like he had just 4 days ago, when his world wasn’t shattered.