Chapter 2

The first chemo session does not go well. He'd told the pack that he was down with the flu and not to worry. They could smell the sickness on him and they believe him. Julia had wanted to stop by and check on him, but Ryan had told her that he'd didn’t want her to get sick too, and that maybe it was best for her to stay away. Julia had conceded the point a little reluctantly, but Ryan knew it for the victory that it was.

Before he went to the hospital for that first dose he was frightened that his friends would show up at the door and everything would be revealed. But once he had actually started the treatment all he could think of was how much it hurt.

Intellectually he knew that the chemo was going to hurt and he was going to get sick from it and that it would wreak havoc on his body. He knew that is the way chemo worked, that it killed the disease, just as much as it killed him. But it was the best option.

He knew that he was in an abnormal age group to have it, because most people who had A.L.L were either very young or over the age of 60, but that it wasn't unheard of. This type of Leukemia attacks his entire body through the blood. You can’t remove each mutated cell, it would kill him before they had the time. 

He understands the meaning of acute, it’s fast, the attacks are precise and it spreads rapidly. He would be dead in a matter of weeks without chemo. So he'd dealt with his lingering fears of chemo therapy, formed when the treatment had made his father almost unrecognizable with pale skin and sunken eyes.

What he hadn't been able to prepare for the agony. He'd spent all of Friday and Saturday either in bed or heaving out an empty stomach. It wasn't until Sunday that he began to feel more like himself again. He'd been afraid that his hair would fall out right away and people would immediately know something was wrong. But his hair was all there in the morning.

The pack respected his wishes and stayed away all weekend and he won't even have to pretend to look and feel like crap at school tomorrow, because he really did feel like crap.

Basketball tryouts are tomorrow too, but he already knows that there's no way he can do it this year. All that time, all the days shooting hoops and he wasn’t allowed to play. This was going to be his year too. He'd spent all summer practicing with Sam, and Kyle so he would have definitely make varsity. But he's too sick now to play basketball, he is almost glad he is too sick to play because if he hadn’t had chemo a couple days ago he would have tried out anyway. He won't even have to pretend to be pissed off about that either, because he really is genuinely frustrated by it.

The next morning when he shows up Peyton and Bri make some cooing noises at him and that's how he knows he really does look bad. He really hopes that he will recover faster in the future, because if he looked like this all the time this friends would catch on far too soon.

But it's not today. Today he's treated normally, even if they give him some mild consideration for feeling like crap. But they don't treat him like he's dying or he's suddenly made of glass and that's the most gentle thing right now, exactly what he needed.

He cheers the others on at tryouts and is pleasantly surprised when Coach actually asks why he's not trying out. Then he says something he knew he would regret. “I’m sick today, but I will come to tomorrows tryouts” Couch smiles and nods understandingly.
Ryan sits in the stands with Peyton and Bri and cheers on the others, laughing as they take apart their opponents. The next day Ryan shows up, he is having one of those rare days that he actually felt like his old self in. Ryan does make varsity. He is so happy for the rest of the night that he forgets why he shouldn’t be doing this in the first place.

After tryouts they go over to the Sam and Peyton’s house. Julia will show up 10 minutes later. He's still feeling too crappy to get much more than a kiss from his incredibly beautiful girlfriend.

"How are you feeling?" Julia asks when Ryan joins her on the porch. They don't touch or hold hands or anything, even when it's just the pack here. "You don't look too good." That’s when he remembers.

Ryan gives her a smile, glad that Julia's reached a point where she can actually verbalize her concerns. "I'm already feeling better." Ryan assures.

He's been careful with how he's answers any inquiries about his health. He's never said that he'll be all better soon or given any indication that he'll be healthy soon. He dodges around that question by saying he feels better than before and that he went to the doctor. The others assume he had some kind of stomach flu when he talks about throwing up all day on Friday and let it go at that, they're too grossed out at the imagery to notice that Ryan never confirms that assumption, he just doesn't address it.