Lunar Legacy

Cursed celestial satellite-why do you torment me so?

Lunar Legacy

~~~~~~0†0~~~~~~

Yon silv'ry celestial satellite ~ your light beguiles me so,

whilst all around, the ghosts abound, within your waning glow.

Humanity eludes me now, cruel destiny's been cast,

woebegone monster I've become leaves my cursed soul aghast.

'Twas fate that brought the gypsy queen, with her cursed caravan,

her native Romani dialect odd for me, a very simple man,

cruel cataracts ~ opaque gaze ~ scrutinized every inch of me,

bulbous lump formed in my throat as she knelt down upon one knee.

What is it you need, white man ~ just what is it that you're seeking?

I felt the hairs raise on my arms, my confidence was weakening.

I beg you, take this curse from me, I'll reward you handsomely.

Old gypsy queen leaned in very close, then spoke these words to me ~

Lunar legacy flows now through your veins,

beast unshackled your human spirit wanes,

'tis thy brethren ~ soulful howling refrains ~

cries out to the wolf, for no man remains.

What's that to do with my request, why speak to me in riddles?

'Twas then I heard in dark of night a cimbalom and some fiddles.

Melancholy melodies played, filled the air around the camp,

the gypsy queen rose ~ in firelight ~ cheeks glistened, moist and damp.

There is nothing I can do for you, your destiny's been sealed,

you no longer walk this realm, your affliction cannot be healed.

For next full moon you'll hear my tune and know the change is coming;

then left me there, yon necromantic tune she started humming.

On my way home, along the path, Luna's light began to glow,

Soon heard the mellow gypsys' tune wafting whisper'd, soft and low ~

Aflame! My body burned and wrenched as I writhed upon the ground,

gypsy queen's last words were all I heard, and not another sound.

Lunar legacy darkens deep ~ your soul,

beware moonbeams luster, luminous glow!

Wolf's bloody malevolence will be sought,

undoing the good in the life you wrought.

My civilized nature soon disappeared ~

the wolf finally won … just as I'd feared.


~~~~~~0†0~~~~~~

Author's Note

cimbalom-- an elaborate stringed instrument of the dulcimer family used in small music ensembles by central European Roma (Gypsies).

For Dr.Sigmund Freud (1856-1939), interpretation was necessary to give meaning to the apparently random thoughts of free association. Freud's focus was on reading the obscure language of the unconscious, and he developed techniques of interpretation in order to do so. In the cases of patients known as Rat Man and Wolf Man, he wove together elaborate stories, explanations, and speculations to make sense out of constellations of symptoms that seemed impossibly puzzling. These case histories, written for colleagues, read like detective novels in which the analyst deciphers the significance of symptoms as if they are clues.

In the case history known as "The Wolf Man," Sergei Pankejeff (1887 1979), a wealthy Russian aristocrat, is described as suffering from debilitating compulsions and fears resulting from his sexual development having gone awry at an early age. Freud focused Pankejeff's attention on a childhood dream which seemed to encapsulate his early traumas and current fears: a dream of wolves perched in a tree outside his open bedroom window. Doctor and patient sought to determine the wish that the dream disguised.

Sometimes, truth is much stranger than fiction.

~Pleasant Screams~ ...

Reviews

[Rene Salinas]

As you have described this so eloquently the quest for meaning has diminished to very little all I am left with is first of the feeling of gratitude towards your writing. I get completely submerged on it and throrugh it. The other constant feeling is that you are an "old soul" intepret as you may but it comes through. Full of message for the ones seeking for meaning, full of a creative spirit for those wondering.

Thankyou

[PloughBoy]

Thanks so much, Rene, I truly appreciate your thoughts and opinions of this poem.You're absolutely correct in your assessment of me being an "old soul", LOL. I would tend to agree with you there, my friend.

Thanks so much again. I truly appreciate your comments.:)

[Rene Salinas]

Poetically speaking and with the greatest respect I must add ( no old fart reference intended).

[PloughBoy]

Ha ha, no offense taken, Rene. My kids call me ancient, yet I'm only (and I say this while holding my mouth in a dejected grimace, LOL) 54 years young.

[Rene Salinas]

Not so far from me! though I am a young Soul (Or so I try to convince myself)

[Sophy Freebirds]

I have been away from cafe for a while. But i have not lost the essence of it. Thanks to April she sent me the request so i was not able to miss this stunning piece of work. The subtle way you have described this curse of lunar legacy is spellbinding. I have always a thing for paranormal writing. And this one especially drowned me in. The way you told the back story i grabbed the foundation of this poem well. Subconcious is an intriguing thing, sometimes it haunts our presence. Really glad i read your work. ;)

~Sophy

[PloughBoy]

Thank you, Sophy, you're too kind. The occult, supernatural, horror, and the occasional Gothic tale are where my passions lie. That is where I make the most money in publishing. However, I'm not adverse to all different types of poetry and prose, I simply prefer those things that go bump in the night, so to speak. That being said, I'm happy to know that you are as well.

Thanks again for taking a look at this, and for sharing your thoughts with me about the poem as well.

With deepest gratitude,

~PB

[Nusquam Esse]

Kudos for managing to pull off narrative poetry... most people don't realize just how challenging it is to write a story poetically, with a rhyme scheme. I know that when I first attempted it, I wasn't expecting too much of a challenge, and then it ended up taking me several days to write. That said, I can completely understand how challenging something like this can be to pull off, and applaud the effort. Furthermore, while I do feel that the archaic/obsolete conjunctions are a bit overdone (at least you are consistent in using them), there is no denying that you do a good job with crafting more than just a story, but also an atmosphere. I like the shorter lines, and how you separate them stylistically; as well as the overall presentation you have here.
Now, onto suggestions... while most of the rhymes are strong, the meter could use some tweaking. I mean, 9-6, 8-7, 8-7, 8-6 -- 9-6. 8-6, 7-8, 7-8 -- 7,8, 8-8, 8-7, 9-6 -- 10,10,10,10 -- 8-7, 8-8, 8-7, 9-7 -- 9-6, 7-8, 8-7, 4-11 -- 8-7, 8-7, 9-7, 6-5-6 -- 10,10,10,10 -- 10,10 is the syllable breakup that I observed. Clearly the 'riddle' segments were written in iambic pentameter, and quite well too... which is probably why they stood out to me. The rest of these counts are similar enough for the poem to flow smoothly, but not quite enough for it to feel balanced. Perhaps it was an effect to deliberately make the poem unbalanced, so I am not ignoring this possibility. Someone used to reading metered poetry will feel the imbalance, and in turn the flow will seem to 'cut short' or 'drag out'. I recommend getting those lines to conform to iambic tetrameter (eight syllables per segment), which shouldn't be too challenging to pull off--you are practically already there, so a single dropped word, or an altered word choice should do the job for most. As I mentioned, the asynchronous rhyme scheme may be intentional, but having tetrameter should still stand out in contrast to pentameter. Especially since, an alternating rhyme scheme is going to feel different than a quatrain with the exact same rhyme on all four lines, regardless of meter.
Now then, onto word-choice and rhyme... I personally disliked the coupling of caravan and understand, it really felt out of place in a piece which otherwise has many strong rhymes.
I also felt that 'sad tune' was out of place, it felt dull and awkward in that line; maybe re-examine that word choice, and see if something fits better...
All in all, I enjoyed this blend of narrative poetry; I think lycanthrophy is something that all of us are fascinated in to a certain degree. There is this luring draw to the theme of man becoming beast, and how much of him is lost in the process? I loved the final lines of your second to last stanza for this very reason; the idea that the beast within will undo everything you have worked for.

[PloughBoy]

Thanks for the in depth break down and awesome review of Lunar Legacy, Nusquam Esse. I sincerely appreciate hta. This is exactly the sort of constructive critique I was hoping for when I came here, and you have certainly delivered.

I do frequently mix pentameter, I most frequently employ iambic, which is most commonly used pentameter in English. It also can be described as a line consists of ten syllables, where the first syllable is stressed, the second is unstressed, the third is stressed and so on until it reaches the 10th line syllable. For instance, “Shall I com PARE thee TO a SUM mer’s DAY?”(Sonnet 18 by Shakespeare).
I don't know why I rambled on about that, you seem very adept at poetic technicalities and the working aspects of poetry. But for this particular poem, it did want a more harried, erratic, helter-skelter type feel; the man struggling outwardly with the inward beast attempting to gain full control, if you will.

I will look into the pairing of "caravan" and "understand", as well as the other rhyme that didn't work very well for you, 'sad tune'.

Thanks again for your outstanding review. I appreciate it more than you know, my friend.

[Nusquam Esse]

No problems, as I said, I was thinking the unstable rhyme scheme might be intentional, given the consistency of the riddles. And yep, I am quite familiar with how iambic pentameter works... ;) To be fair, it is not always five iambs, You can invert the iams, reversing the order of the stresses, or even end it with a feminine syllable, deliberately ending the line with 11 syllables, leaving a weak hanging syllable. You will not find many people willing to give out technical advice; mostly because many of the people on here lack technical skills and/or a desire to come across as critical. Honestly, I wouldn't have bothered if I had not noticed your technical abilities to begin with, as well as your responses to other reviewers... I have left far too many similar reviews which were rudely rejected by people who thought they were too good for constructive criticism (most people like this actually have very little skill)

[PloughBoy]

No, I would never reject a reviewed metered with both positive critique, and helpful intelligent suggestions to help improve the work. I have already made a few edits based upon you suggestions. if we stop listening to those whose intent is to only help us improve, we may as well quit writing right now, and find another hobby.

If you find the time, check out those two rhymes that didn't work very well for you. I hope you find it's better.

Thanks again, Nusquam, I deeply appreciate your assistance.

[Nusquam Esse]

Glad to see someone else with that mentality! Too many people on here act as though writing is a catharsis for them, and when you don't praise their literary masturbation they get all offended... as if making suggestions on improving the tools they use to express themselves is a personal attack. I approach writing with a progressive mindset, and want to get better in every regard; so people like this irritate me. I look at how much I have grown in a mere two years, and I feel such overwhelming excitement at what the future might hold. I feel bad for fellow 'writers' who lack this drive, and are satisfied with their skill levels, because they will never learn the joys of expressing things which transcend written word! I am impressed that you implemented my suggestions so fast, and I think they look GREAT!

[PloughBoy]

Thanks, my friend. I couldn't have done it without you! Besides, it's odd that you should mention those two in particular, as I've never been very pleased with them. So, I owe it to you for making me work a little bit harder to get it done, and done right.:)

[Nusquam Esse]

They just stood out to me; sometimes I am not sure why something is off, I just know it is. I have gotten used to detecting issues with flow in prose or poetry, probably the result of writing so much surrealism.

[PloughBoy]

Haha, more than likely. That'll usually do it.:)

[AprilRN1210]

Thanks for coming Nusquam... (Mr. Technical) kinda awesome sometimes :P

[R Smith]

I like this, its going into my library, the style of language from bygone times really adds to the mystic of the wolfman roaming the night, odd I just finished watching the movie 'Wolf' from 199something starring Jack Nicholson, just coincidence but enough mixed with your poem to give me a nervy night, thanks for that and this brilliant poem.

[PloughBoy]

Thanks so much for your thoughtful comments and constructive feedback, Richard. I sincerely appreciate it.

That's a very good movie. I'm a big fan of werewolf stories and the lycanthropy myths. My favorite all time werewolf tales have to be An American Werewolf in London (simply brilliant transformation scene!), and The Howling. Of course, the Classic "wolfman", starring Lon Chaney Jr. id my all time favorite, of course.

Thanks again, Richard. And happy writing!:)

[R Smith]

yes loved those 2 movies, always been a big fan of horror, ghosts, werewolf's, vampires the whole thing, gotta love the movie world.

[PloughBoy]

Me too. Could you tell, heh-heh...?

[AprilRN1210]

Thank you for coming Richie, I appreciate it! :)

[R Smith]

your welcome April

[Jack Wolfe]

Being a fan of both Wolf and Moon, I found this to be quite intriguing. I came here by way of April, and I'm glad she sent me. Your use of Old English/mystique created a beautifully interwoven weave of Dreamscape, curse, and acceptance. Thank you for the enjoyable read.

[PloughBoy]

Thank you very much, Jack, and I truly appreciate that. April was very kind to recommend this to you, and I am sincerely happy to know that you were not disappointed. Thanks again, I sincerely appreciate your complimentary review and very kind comments.

[AprilRN1210]

Hey Doc.. I thought you would enjoy.. thanks for coming sir... :)

[AprilRN1210]

I have to say this is absolutely amazing.. The flow was exquisite and the rhymes divine.. I became lost in this dark tale of the wolf, a gypsy queen and the moon... the transitions were flawless... I am new to writing and unsure of the "technicalities" of poetry, but I know how a work makes me FEEL as a reader.. this one was absolutely stunning... the rhythm felt like a teasing dance between rivals that only intensified as I went on.. I forgot I was reading a "poem" and got lost in the story.. that to me is skill.. I thoroughly enjoyed this.. well done!

[PloughBoy]

Thanks so very much for your kind and complimentary review, AprilRN210. I truly appreciate them! I've been writing for many years, but just recently began putting my work "out there" for critique. As we all do, I've wondered if I possessed enough raw talent to make people "feel", as you did, the things I write, which is very important to me. I'm very honred and humbled that you let me know how it made you as a reader feel, and that's exactly the sort of excellent feedback that I need.

I'll be sure to swing by your portfolio and select some of your own works to review.

Again, thank you very much.:)

[AprilRN1210]

Please, call me April... Honestly, I am honored to read your work.. I read a LOT on here, and your work is MILES above most... If you don't mind, I would like to send a RR to several of my friends to check out.. This is an amazing piece that I REALLY enjoyed.. I am glad my review helped.. Also, it is a pleasure to meet you :)

[PloughBoy]

Thank you, April, and I'd be honored by your forwarding of read requests to anyone you chose. I'm very happy to make your acquaintance as well.
Thanks again... :}

[AprilRN1210]

you're more than welcome