Sweet Jasmine

An English Sonnet

~

~Sweet Jasmine~

~~~~~*~~~~~


Twixt twilight's smooth black velvet evening gown,

yon daybreak sings soothing sad songs to me.

The stoutest ale my pain could never drown,

beseeching death release its hold on thee.

T'was on the morrow, I would soon be wed,

yet fickle fate stepped in to intervene;

vile sickness rendered my sweet Jasmine dead,

and here bereft, I'm swallowed, in between.

Her sapphire eyes will shine bright nevermore,

'tis death that stole their gorgeous gleam away,

then whisked my love to gray and gloomy shores,

as death declare I rue that hapless day!

Should ferryman be anchored far or near "

I'll beg he take me to my Jasmine dear.







~~~~~*~~~~~

Author's Note

My first ever attempt at writing an English Sonnet. So please ... be kind...

Thank you so much for reading. All feedback to help improve upon this will be greeted with an open mind, and a grateful heart.

And, as always...Pleasant Screams...

Reviews

[Renée]

Your a braver man than I, to attempt this style ! ( : I am not a professional, so any helpful critiques I will leave for those who know better… But I know what i like.. I love reading pieces aloud, I enjoyed the way it sounds, the story.. I think you did it proud !

[PloughBoy]

Thanks very much, Renee, I truly appreciate that. It's always a bit unnerving for me when I attempt to write a structured style of poem, like the English sonnet here. I certainly don't want to butcher the format, and I tried very hard to remain true to the iambic pentameter this form requires. I'm happy you felt I did it justice, that's a big load of my mind!

Thanks so much again. :)

[Renée]

it is my pleasure..
I wish I could write these kind..but alas… I can't.. But I do enjoy reading them !

[Glen Yumang Manese]

Just the pace and flow of this sonnet...the somber and gloom of the details...and in the end a wanting to be with her...no matter...I see you said this is your first attempt...another plus...it's all in what you make of it...and you did that here...I use to delve on sonnets much...but nowadays --- I go for what is me and not the past...find who I am as a writer...do not get me wrong...I still practice them...just not as much as I use to be --- I did put forth sonnets in my first collection of verses...in my book...

[PloughBoy]

Thank you very much, Glen. I studied sonnets quite extensively, English sonnets in particular, for three weeks before attempting to write one of my own. Like you, I prefer to explore my own style, leave my own characteristics woven into the fabric of my poetry. However, I deemed it a challenge, and felt I would take a stab at employing the meter of iambic pentameter, since most of my own poetry is of the unstructured variety, as far as formal formatting such as Terza Rima, acrostics, and sonnets go, not to mention a few others. I'm very happy to know that you felt I did the form justice, without too much butchering, LOL.

Thanks again, Glen. Your comments are very much appreciated.

[Glen Yumang Manese]

you're welcome...

[Fran Marie]

A lovely dark sonnet...well crafted in both form and content..i feel the pictures add to your words ..and compliment each other quite nicely..I found this to be very Poe esque

[PloughBoy]

Thank you very much, Fran. Poe is my favorite poet, and I studied him and his unique style quite extensively at University. I am very flattered and pleased to have his name mentioned in the same breath as my work by you.

Thank you! :]

[Brenden Taylor]

I'm rating this one a 100 only for the writing; if I were take all the images into account, it would drop down to somewhere between 70 and 80. Let your writing speak for itself; all the images surrounding it lessen its value. (That's just from my personal code of ethics, but do what you want).

Excellent job on the form, structure, certain devices - all well crafted. The content is a little too cliche; it all sounds like echoes from every other written work about mourning and grief - more replicated than originally created.

Keep writing, though; I'm interested in reading more.

[PloughBoy]

Thank you very much, Brendon. I'm glad you let me know what worked and didn't work for you personally. That's exactly the sort of excellent feedback I'm looking for.

I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to read and review it, and for the exceptional rating as well. I agree, the writing must come first, it is the "meat", if you will, and what drives the piece. The photos, well, they are just the gravy...

Thanks again, my friend.