growing up

i guess could be considered triggering, mention of self harm and eating disorder

when i was 12 id force down food knowing 
that it’d burn my tongue 
but, with hope it would warm my insides
i swallowed it anyway
but when i was 14
i was told the emptier the stomach
the prettier the girl
i thought maybe with a little more make up 
id be cute but i was told 
“what's to cute about a girl that can’t even fit in her clothes?”
and when i was 16 
id burn my wrists 
like a f*****g candle wick
because blood made me 
sick to my stomach just like 
all the f*****g pills 
they were feeding me 
promising they’d make me love myself 
when i finally reached 18 
i realized that there was 
no price charming to save me,
love wouldn’t fix me, 
scars aren’t f*****g beautiful,
and that theres nothing attractive
about your ribs sticking out of your skin.
i realized how many hours i spent trying to find clothes that fit and matched my ever darkening skin color of death.
you told me that maybe if i skipped a meal 
and put a little make up on boys might look at me well
sweetheart, it’s been pounds of make up
and more than a skipped meal and now boys don’t look at me, they f*****g stare.