Sophie

The sound of a door slamming. She had lain there for hours, knowing that it was coming: this, the signal between her and him that her beating was imminent. She instantly sat up on the bed and waited for the door to be thrown open, which it was.

To her, when he was in this state, the man looked more like a demon: eyebrows creasing over his eyes, the mouth, revealing teeth clenched together. He stood, looking at her, in the strange way that he had.

‘Damn it, Sophie, I said no loud noises after ten o’clock, you hear me!’

There was no sense in arguing, and he wouldn’t have bothered answering her, anyway. He had that glazed look in his eye, almost as though he was in some sort of a trance. She got out of the bed and got down on her knees, in her customary position on the floor and waited for it, waited for the sound of the untying of his belt from his paints.

After the first few blows, it somehow got easier. Though, something monstrous and gigantic and well beyond the limits of her strength.

The sound of the strap hitting her back, pounded in her ears. After a while, the blows stopped and she heard him panting, heaving at the effort. And then, as though infuriated that she hadn’t completely collapsed, he left the room and slammed the door shut.

Sophie finally collapsed and vomited on the floor. She lay there, looking at the carpet, which was spinning with her head, just centimeters from her spew. She was unable to clean it up. Her whole body throbbed. The sound of dull conversation in another room and a light switching off. Crickets starting up again, outside the house, in her ears, as though they themselves had been silenced by the beating. After a while, she passed out.

Dreams of another word, a world without an evil step-father. A man she had never met before embracing her �" her biological father? �" looking into her eyes and telling her that everything was going to be alright. But even then, she couldn’t be sure, for somehow, over every horizon there he was, the horrible man that she lived with. Staring back at her, scowling, disapproving, humiliating, and then the world went black and she was gone again, somewhere else, somewhere without him, back to the velvet embrace of sleep.

The sound of the door opening, again. Her mother’s disapproving comments that she had fallen asleep on the floor.

‘Sophie, why are you asleep on the carpet, again?’

With every word, Sophie became more and more angry and yet her mother’s words stifled the anger, leaving lumps inside of her that would swell over time. She tried to lift herself but the pain was unbearable this time. Lacerations on her back would have been visible to anyone. Her mother said nothing, but simply left the room.

Sophie managed to sit and then eventually, stand. She gingerly walked to her bedside and sat on a chair and looked in the mirror, turned her back and saw a portion of the deep welts that had formed on her back.

At first it horrified her, but now, she was getting used to it. She wondered if it would ever heal, if there would be permanent scarring.

She collected her clothes and gingerly crept across the carpet floor and looked both ways down the hallway, which was empty. She walked the carpet and made her way to the bathroom and stepped inside, turned the taps on until the water was tepid, then stepped inside.

The stinging sensation was incredible, and for a moment she thought that she would pass out, again. After a while, she turned the taps off and got out and looked at herself in the mirror and turned her back. Deep gashes appeared, looking like a swollen, malformed tree.

It horrified her. She got dressed and walked back to her room and sat on the bed. At least with the house this silent, it meant that they had both gone off to work, which was a relief.

She brushed her teeth and got her things and walked down the stairs, made herself a piece of toast and walked out into the day, locking the door behind her. It was a bright, crisp day, but it did nothing to alleviate the pain. She kept walking and, after a while, came to the bus stop. Other kids arrived and sat next to her, stood around, waiting; one, another year eleven girl, stood and looked at her.

‘Looks like hunchback’s arrived early.’

Sophie looked at the girl, who stared straight back at her.

‘What’s wrong, hunchback, you got a crush?’ said the girl.

Sophie looked at her and didn’t know what to say, and stayed silent. And the girl took a step closer, leaned in, so as to be almost touching her.

‘You know what, hunchback, I wouldn’t go out with you, anyway.’

A small crowd had started to surround them, as though, waiting for a fight, and just at that moment the bus arrived.

They pushed and shoved each other and finally formed a line and Sophie found her place and waited. Her back stung but she ignored it, mostly elated to be away from the horror of the house. She got on and paid her ticket and walked the aisle, found a seat by the window. A bright sunny day. The bus started and the road moved and the houses with it and she allowed herself a moment to dream of being somewhere else, away from him and her mother, somewhere where she could forget everyone and everything. Her back continued to throb but she ignored it and then suddenly came up with the plan to simply run away. Somewhere, anywhere, just away.

By the time the bus had made it to the school, the weather had changed. Black clouds hovered on the horizon like giant chasms, threatening to bar her way, but she didn’t care, she would stick to her plan, even if it killed her. In fact, she didn’t mind if it did: even death would be better than surviving another night in that god-forsaken house with her mother and that man. The bus stopped and she made her way out and got off and looked up at the sky that was getting darker all the time.

That day, for Sophie, classes were a dream, and there wasn’t any of the problems that she usually faced, that were spawned from her own jealousy and envy of the other children. She listened to her teachers, and, for once, did everything that they asked. Before she knew it, school was over and she was standing on the steps, outside the front of the school, looking up at the sky, and wondering all of a sudden, whether or not she actually had ‘the balls’ to go through with it, then realized that she had to, that, actually, it was a matter of life and death.

The first thing that struck her was that she had no money, but that was nothing new. Most days she would come to school with nothing at all and the ladies at the tuck shop would take pity on her and give her the left-overs. But now she had to figure out a way to get out of town, and it suddenly dawned on her that she could do anything, go anywhere. And so that is what she did. One foot after the other, she started walking.

The sky got darker and the clouds were huge on the horizon. She walked and went further out on the road. Cars passed her and the sky held out. She came to the suburbs and deliberately walked in the opposite direction of her own house and kept walking. A couple of the kids in the street recognized her. After a while she came to the end of the town and actually passed a sign that said ‘Welcome to Kansas’. She kept walking. Now, there was just the road that went off into the distance. She knew that, after a while she was going to get hungry and cold. Luckily, she had brought a jumper with her, in her bag, and so, she put it on and kept walking.

The sky grew darker, and, after a while, it did get dark, and the only light was the occasional car in the night, and she felt herself becoming tired. She stepped off the road and lay down in the decline beside the road and looked up at the sky and waited for sleep to come, the night sky fixed with a lattice of stars. The ground was hard and she hoped that she wouldn’t get bitten by snakes or spiders or rats or whatever else was out here. The sound of crickets, loud in her ears, a car. She lay there and, after a while, slept, contented with the fact that she would never have to see her parents, ever again, and it was enough. The memory of him, plaguing her sleep, as always, like some cold creeping thing that fed on her innards.

The dawn light woke her and she opened her eyes and looked around. The huge dark sky. The gold band on the horizon. She got to her feet and looked around. It was the furthest she’d ever been from where she lived. She started walking and felt weak, realized that she couldn’t go on forever without getting something to eat and drink. There was nothing left but to stick her thumb out in the hope that someone would stop and pick her up.

The sun came up on the horizon and it soon became warm and then hot. A crow flew through the sky and squawked and she suddenly wondered if she was going to die out here. The day wore on and the midday sun came and she could feel herself sweating and growing dizzy. It was then, just as she thought that she was going to feint and die that a truck roared past and screeched its brakes and stopped.  She walked towards it and came to it and looked up. The sound of music from up, deep inside the hull of the truck. A voice, over the top, said ‘are you gonna get in, or what?’

She climbed the stairs and got inside and was looking at a fat man, who looked at her for a moment, and didn’t seem fazed, said, ‘you look like hell, kid,’ then started up the truck and she sat and looked out the window and felt her stomach growl. Thick, hairy arms, shifted through the gears, and appeared to put it into a cruise setting. Looking at the road, he asked her if she as hungry, to which she nodded. The man pulled out a stick of salami from a small freezer and handed it to her, then told her to reach in and grab the soft drink, which she did.

Salami and coke never tasted so good. They drove on and he saw that she didn’t feel like talking and so he turned the radio up a little and, after a while, feeling safe, she fell into a deep sleep.

Dreams of her stepfather, and then the sweet relief that it was all over and she would never have to see him again, came, and not for the rest of her life.

When she woke it was dark. She looked around and saw the fat man was driving. Lights beaming down on the road.

‘Looks like someone’s woken up.’ Said the fat man.

She looked back at him and didn’t know what to say, except that she was grateful beyond recognition and very hungry.

‘’Do you think that we could get something to eat?’

‘Sure.’ Said the fat man. ‘We’ll pull into the next servo, get some grub, there.’

She looked at him and saw that there was no malice in him and it somehow seemed amazing to her. He pulled the truck into a service station and stopped it and turned the engine off, opened the door and disappeared. She opened the cabin door and climbed down the stairs and looked around at the night, at the road diner that was lit up by fluorescent lights. They met on the road and to the diner, opened glass doors and made their way to a table and sat. A woman in a uniform made her way to the table and stood with a writing pad, looking down at him.

‘Well, Sam, what’ll it be, this time?’

The fat man looked up at her for a moment, then back down at the menu.

‘The usual, thanks, Peg.’ Said the fat man.

‘And what about you, young miss, what will you have?’

Sophie’s eyes lit up at the prospect of a burger.

‘I’ll have the burger, thanks, with chips and a coke.’

The waitress turned and marched off and the fat man watched her longingly as she walked away. Sophie looked at the man and was busting for the toilet and the fat man looked at her and pointed to a door across the floor.

She stood and walked over to it and opened the door to a cubicle and pissed. An image of her mother came to her and she suddenly wondered if she had done the wrong thing, by leaving her with that horrible man, and was suddenly elated that she was finally allowed to even think of him in that way. But she couldn’t go back. That much she knew, for the next beating might actually kill her. And yet, she suddenly felt sorry for her mother, for she knew that he would take it out on her, and that, as a result, she may never see her again. But maybe she could call from a payphone, and just hang up if he answered? At least to see if she was still alive.

She flushed the toilet and came out of the cubicle and washed her hands. A woman was looking at herself in the mirror and putting on bright red lipstick. The woman smiled and Sophie smiled back and washed her hands and walked back out to the restaurant and sat down opposite the fat man and saw that her burger had arrived. She ate ravenously and they both ate in silence. After a while, the fat man finished his meal and pushed the food away and looked at her.

‘Well, I won’t ask any questions, though, God knows I probably should…firstly, you look like hell and me picking you up is probably against the law, also. I reckon you’re underage, which means that by rights I should probably turn you in.’

Sophie looked at the fat man, terrified.

‘Please, Mr. I got no-where else to go. And I can’t go back. I’d rather die than go back.

‘Yeah, I thought so. I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do: I’ll let you off at the next town, and that’s the best I can do. You’re on your own from then on. I’ve been through too much to lose my license over a minor, and I reckon that they’d be looking for you around about now. They would’ve called the police.’

She looked at him hard but he dismissed her.

‘Come on, then. I need to get some shut eye. I reckon that you do, too. Well, head off again in the morning, and by then we’ll be in Dubbo. You’re on your own from then on in.’

They got up and the fat man paid, then took one last long look at the waitress and they made their way back out into the night that was cold and she was suddenly grateful for the fat man. He opened the cabin door from the inside and she climbed up the steps and got in and it was warm. He took one last look at her and turned out the cabin light and reclined the seat and she took one last look at the diner that glowed in the night and fell back into sleep, herself.

In her dream, the old man was walloping her again. His head like an old glove, the skin rotting on his shoulders, his eyes, white saucers.

When she woke, they were already on the road. The sun was out and it was warm. Everywhere, the empty countryside.

‘Well, looks like someone’s finally awake.’ Said the fat man. She looked at him and wondered who he was and he looked back at her for a second.

‘We’ll be coming into Dubbo in the next few minutes and that’s where our pathways have to end, I’m afraid, little miss.’

She looked back at him and felt sad that she would never see him again. Not many people in the world were as kind to her as he was and for that she was sorry. It wasn’t long before he was putting his foot on the break and the huge hulk was snorting to a stop. She looked at him one last time and wondered how she was ever going to make it, but something deep inside of her told her that everything was going to be alright and the fat man’s smile seemed to confirm it. She thanked him one last time and climbed down and looked around.

An overcast sky, as though a giant hand had shone a torch through a bulb. She looked around and wondered what to make of everything, then started walking, as though for the first time, and felt a heavy weight lifting from her shoulders, as though there was a bolder inside of her that was slowly crumbling.

Patches of grass. A sidewalk. She looked around. Small houses. The road leading up the town itself, that probably hadn’t changed in decades. But it was her town, now.

She kept walking and wondered if the police would start looking for her. She might have to change her appearance, but how? She realized that she was hungry and weak and needed a place to lie down.  But she couldn’t just lie on the sidewalk. The neighbouhood steeped around her. People walking past. Two school girls on their way home from school. Green uniforms and shady hair. The unrelenting sky.

She could feel herself wilting. But there was nowhere to go, nowhere to be. Everywhere, the sky and the houses and the neighbourhood and the school kids and the cars going past, looking at her, and soon it all began to spin, and she looked around and the grass and the pavement was heading straight at her, and then, it all hit in the head, hard, and everything went black.

*

When she woke, she saw a man’s face, looking down at her, a face she had never seen before, yet somehow seemed familiar and that it was kind. She looked around and saw that she was in a room that she had never been in before. A voice came from deep inside of it, and it too seemed familiar.

‘Looks like someone’s finally woken up.’

A man’s voice. Deep and warm. She sat up and looked around at a foreign room. A family stood at the other side of it, looking at her.

‘She seems, ok. Maybe we should call the authorities, though, just to be on the safe side?’

‘Maybe, yes. I suppose we should call the police. Notify her family.’

Sophie, looked at them, horrified.

‘No, please, don’t! I’ll do anything, just, please don’t call them!’

The family shrunk back and looked at each other. The man stepped forward and looked down at her and she looked back at him.

‘Listen, dear, are you in some sort of trouble?’

She looked back at him and didn’t know what to say.

‘I’ll tell you what, just get dressed and come downstairs and have something to eat and we’ll talk about it.’

She looked it him and the woman and girl standing in the doorway and then they left the room and she heard them trod down the stairs in heavy steps as though they all wore clogs and she got out of bed and found the bathroom, used the toilet and caught the reflection of herself in the mirror, saw the face of a scared girl with dark rings under her eyes.

And then the moment she had dreaded coming to life, as though everything were happening in slow motion. She made it down the stairs and looked around at the room and there he was, sitting at the table, as though it was the most normal thing in the world, and she suddenly heard a high-pitched scream, then realized that it was her own scream, and yet it seemed to be coming from somewhere else in the room.

Hands were dragging her down to the ground and holding her down. Somehow she managed to get away, if only for a moment, long enough to grab a knife from the table, before they pulled her back down to the ground, and the old man’s face came at her, like the jaws of death itself and she shoved the blade into the face, heard the bone crack as the blade went through it, went through the eye and into the brain, and the face came at her, smiling ghoulishly, as it did, like some giant death mask.

It came at her and then finally collapsed on top of her and she could smell his scent that was like an animals’, and then they finally pulled him off her. In the next moment, heavy arms were lifting her up off her feet and she felt the heavy setting of cuffs digging into her wrists. They led her out of the house into a police car, opened the door and out her inside, and she sat and looked around at the day, that seemed no different to any other, then drove her to the police station and put her into a white cell.

Days spent alone, waiting for her processing, until the fate accompli that she would spend a lifetime in jail. Inside her cell, there was a small window, and she would stand on the bed and look out of it. A view of a lawn and a brick wall. Every now and then, a tray with a meal would be pushed under the cell, and she would go over and get it, lift it up and put it on the small table and eat. Eventually, they put a tv inside the cell, and this, at least, gave her something to do.

One day, the cell door was opened and a woman stepped in, and sat next to her on the bed and told her that her mother had come to visit, and asked her whether or not, she wanted to see her. Sophie looked at the woman and was at a loss. She honestly didn’t know how she felt, but, being alone in here, without anyone was its own hell. And so, despite herself, she relented. The woman silently nodded and tapped a badge beside the door, and there was a buzzing sound and the door was opened a she was gone.

A moment later, there was another buzzing sound and Sophie got a shock to see her mother enter the room. They looked at each other for a moment and then her mother averted her gaze and gingerly walked over to the chair and sat down. Sophie caught her summoning herself, as though transforming into a different person, her demeanor change, her body seemingly straightening, her head lift into a position of command. She sat and looked at her daughter and said ‘hello, Sophie’, and this, to Sophie, was possibly the most horrifying moment of all.

‘Hello, Mum.’

There was a silence and her mother stared at her, and finally, after a moment spoke.

‘Well, looks like you’ve put yourself in a real pickle this time.’

Sophie looked back at her and didn’t know what to say. After a while, her mother spoke again.

‘Still, I always knew that you were spiteful, but this takes the cake. Murdering your dear father in cold blood. I don’t even know what to say, anymore, the hell that you put us through. And, now, I have to mourn him, your beautiful father who you have murdered…murdered!’

Sophie’s mother covered her face, as though she was distraught with tears, and she wondered where her real Dad was, and whether or not, he would somehow be able to come to the rescue. After a while, her mother took her hands away from her face and coldly looked back at her.

‘I’ll tell you, this, Sophie, it’s going to take a while before I get over this one.’

By now, Sophie had just about had enough. All she could do was sit and yell ‘guards!’, which was the only option available. At his, her mother piped up and started screaming, and with the two women screaming, a guard came in and took her mother away and then there was a buzzing sound and the cell went silent again.

Sophie took her hands away from her ears and looked around. With her mother gone, suddenly, somehow life seemed like worth living again, even though she was going to spend the rest of it in jail. Still, she had her Jesus, and that, as far as she could tell, was all that mattered. She stood on the bed again, and looked out the window, at the sun going down over the brick wall, and felt something like calm washing over her.