Chapter 3- Goodbyes

By now you may have noticed, this book is written backwards. You are reading each chapter from the end to the beginning. Keep going :)

"This is it, this is our last goodbye, and I cant think of anything to say"
I felt like an idiot. I had had speeches lined up for this. I had practiced what I would say if I ever knew you were leaving, and none of them seemed to matter. I couldn't think. I couldn't talk. I couldn't breathe. All I could do was cry and hug you.
Crying had unfortunately become a regular thing with you. It seemed like every single time I had talked to you for the last three months, I had cried. This time was different. This time you were saying goodbye. Why hadn't you just left everything how it was. You came at me so violently all those nights ago, told me you never wanted anything to do with me. You could have just stopped there and I would have hated you forever. That's what you wanted wasn't it? Why come back to try to leave on good terms? It wasn't like either one of us would be apologizing.
Our whole conversation that night was a blur. You held my hands as we sat on my brown couch and you told me to take care of myself. We talked about what had happened the previous week. You tried to explain yourself, you vowed that you were leaving town for good. I should have known better, but at that time I believed you.
"This is the last time you are going to see me"
Those words struck me and sunk my heart like a rock. Could I even survive without you? I hadn't needed to before this. You were always just a phone call away. I didn't speak much, partly because I was trying to convince myself this wasn't real, and partly because I was trying to think of a way to get you to change your mind; to stay.
There were so many things that I wanted to tell you. You were my friend, my best friend. I loved you, but not the gushy 'I think you're cute and I want to kiss you' type of love. No, it was so much deeper than that. The stomach turning, 'I would literally die for you' type of love. You were my whole world, my foundation, and my rock. I was afraid that if you left my whole reality would fall apart.
Of course, there was no way I could tell you this. Not tonight. You were trying to break away, and it wouldn't have made it any easier for me. You knew, and I hope you still know, that I cared for you. I'm not for sure if you are aware, or even care to know, the depth and complexity of my affection. I don't even fully understand it. I was too late anyways, before I knew it you were standing up and you reached out your hands to pull me up to you.
You put your arms around me, and I lost it. I couldn't control the tears that came flowing freely from my eyes. I couldn't lose... this. We stayed like that for a long time, just in silence. I never wanted to let go. It's kind of ironic when you think about it. That is what I thought the night we danced and I fell. "I am holding onto you and I never want to let go". That could pretty much sum up our entire era. That is how I felt every day with you, and that is the last thought that went through my mind.
After some time you gently place a kiss on my forehead and released me from your embrace. I looked up to your face, and I could swear you had been crying as well. You quickly glanced away before I could be sure. That is the only time I have ever seen you cry. It was all over too soon. You were out the door and I was left watching your tail lights drive away, forever.