Chapter 1- Nightmares

Do I believe in true love? That is a tricky answer. It depends on what you mean by this question. Do I believe that you can only love one person in your life? No. Many people love mutliple persons, some even at the same time. Do I believe in soulmates? Absolutely. That one person, from the very moment you meet, you know you have loved for so many years, in so many lives; from the begining of time and in each universe.
I think this is where we confuse "true love" with "falling in love". I think any love that is pure, with no underlying motives can be classified as 'true'. However, I like to think that you only "fall in love" once in your life. You can call it a soulmate, the one, your other half. There has to be some truth to it because people, for so many generations, will search their whole life for 'The One'. They will wait, they will fight, and they would die until they find them. Some people never do. I was one of the lucky ones.
Well, I say lucky. Are nightmares lucky?
Because that's  where you are now. Almost every night for the past year you have visited me. The only times you don't are when sleep eludes me. Even when I am awake, you are still on the forefront of my mind. I look up at the stars from my bedroom window and all I can think about is the fact that somewhere out there, you are probably sound asleep, without a second thought about me. You left so quickly, and so easily. It felt like being thrown away. I was an old pair of shoes that you had worn and grown tired of.
As I think back to all of the conversations we had, I remember every word. I know you think I wasn't listening, but I was. I held on to everything you said. Every piece of advice, every joke, every encouraging word. Every night you told me how much I meant to you. I play them over and over in my mind like a bad rerun. I never stop thinking about you and I can't even escape to my sleep like I used to be able to.
It has been a long time since I last saw you, even longer since we kissed. It feels like forever since you told me you loved me. I have kissed other men since then. I have left, and been left behind. Still, when the sad songs come on, it's you that I think of.
One particular dream started so long ago, and haunts me to this day.
We were walking hand in hand around "Our Spot". You know, the one with all of the beautiful fountains out by the lake. We walked and talked nonsense as the moon and stars shined bright. The people walking past commented on how cute we were, how in love we looked. It was perfect.
Suddenly, the ground started to shake. I looked up at the sky and, what used to be stars turned into fire. I could hear gunshots, helicopters, and screams. Everyone was running and panicking. A young man ran up to us, no older than 20. I can see his face, I know I've seen that face somewhere before. It was dirty, with fresh wounds. His military uniform was in no better condition.
"I'm sorry, they've come." He said to the both of us. "We're being attacked and we need every abled body."
The next thing I knew, I was sitting in the cockpit of a fighter jet. The men around me were instructing me how to use the machine, while strapping me in and putting on my helmet. Soon, I was in the air. Once the smoke cleared from the sky, I was forced into a series of dogfights. My skill came naturally, and I took down alot of planes.
There was one particular jet that was giving me a run for my money. We flew in circles, firing, and retreating. I would get the upper hand, then they would. I knew there was no way I would do this gracefully. I flew behind the plane and shot right for the engines. I hit it, and it was going down.
It couldnt have been but 5 seconds, but it seemed like eternity. I looked into the cockpit of the other plane, to stare my enemy in the face as they were about to die. However, when i got a clear view, it was you. You were struggling to undo your strap and deploy your parachute, but you couldnt because your systems were malfunctioning. You were stuck, and it was my fault. You looked up at me, and our eyes met. I cried, and screamed your name. How could I have done this? I had to get you out! But it was too late, I saw your plane go down, crash and explode into an oblivian.
And then I wake up screaming your name, shaking and crying. Everytime.
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Another dream that I have quite often reminds me of a twilight zone. I cant remember most of the details, it was just alot of feelings.
Burning, tires schreeching. Crash!! I am in a coffee shop and I look out of the tall windows, to see your car across the road, crunched like a tuna can. I run over there, but its too late. I don't see your face before I wake up. In my bed, I am just so relieved that it was a dream. I go over to your house to see you, but when I get there your family is all gathered, crying. I asked your sister what was going on, and she said that you had died.
I am at your funeral. Black dresses, suits. A little church. My eyes burn so much that it hurts, so I close them. When I open them, I am laying in your bed. I sit up and see you off in the corner putting your shirt on. I'm not for sure whether to jump up and give you a hug because I am so happy to see you, or stay there and admire you from afar. I started to tell you about the crazy dream I had, and we both laugh. You leave the room, and I lay back down.
Next thing I know, I am walking down a narrow street, no cars, and all of the houses are empty, but there are so many people, so many faces that I don't recognize. How did I get here? I started looking for you, but thats when I realized, I didn't know what you looked like. I had forgotten your face. No, not your whole face, just your eyes. Those beautiful, peircing eyes that always saw me. I couldnt place them in my mind. It made me want to scream.
I ran and ran until I found myself back at that little church, I ran out to the field behind it, where there was a graveyard. One particular gravestone stood out to me. I turn and look, and then fall on my knees in front of it. Carved in stone, was your name. "No, No!" I yell with my face buried in my hands. This couldn't be it. I would never be able to say goodbye. I couldn't go back and fix it. I couldn't even remember what you looked like. I felt so helpless.
What do these dreams mean? Maybe I'll nenver know. I'd like to think that one day they will go away. However, I know saying that would just be lying to myself. I cannot deny the fact that you will always be in my heart, in my mind.