sadness

i am sad...so why not write about it.

once again, this will incomplete. I cannot seem to  hold it together long enough to finish anything lately.  I was so into this website, when i was first invited on my space.  I had all this energy to write, and excitement about it too.  Not anymore.  Guess you can tell by my last entry, there has been some sad s**t going on.  My husband was unfaithful, I was unfaithful, this all happened four yrs ago.  We just found out about each other now.  It sucks ..nothing in life sucks more.  Not true, Cancer sucks more, aids sucks more, cerebral palsy, those things you can't get over.. You cannot win. I feel like we both lost here too, so much.  I am broken.  I am broken not because of his unfaithfulness but because of mine.  It was so justified when I did it.  I am vinidictive, i am a hurtful person. I believe in vengance.  It's not right, it's not catholic, the way i was brought up.  Turn the other cheek my a*s.  I was hurt, by my husband's meanness four yrs. ago, six yrs ago, whatever it was.  He said he had no choice, I abandoned him.  I did not, I became deathly ill with graves disease, I went from a size 5 to a size 16-18, in a short period of time, with no control over it.  None, I went from elite dancer to fat sick pig.  I had a new baby, who had special needs, i had a bullshit disgusting job in home depot, after stripping for yrs, and loving it.  It sucked so bad.  For the first time, i had to keep a job to take care of my baby, to keep the same phone number, to have a place to allow my baby to sleep at night, i needed medical benefits incase she got sick and because i was sick. Prior to that, I was carefree. Footloose and fancy free. Party Party party...danced, bartended lived the party life style.. This took some getting used to.  I couldn't do both.  Be a new mommy, hold down a suck a*s job, be on medicaid, worry about a child who couldnt speak, i had no money, always with debt collectors calling, and my Godamn Illness.  I didnt know what was happening, and my husband wanted the affections to be the same as they were.  I could not.  After I gave birth, i didnt feel sexy, didnt like my body, i was no longer a sexual entity.  I couldnt have sex for two yrs. It hurt, and my husband couldnt stand it. He hated NY, told me he was going back to vegas, and when he got settled, he would call for me and my child.  I died that day.  How could you even think that?  We took vows, and you will "call for me?'" when your settled? What the f**k?  I died.  I hated him for even thinking it.  Then he started spending more and more weekends with b***h nurses from the hospital or nursing home or wherever the f**k he worked.  Don't be fooled, nurses are lushes and drug addicts.  he was lifting weights and looking good, he had been tired of me turning him down for two yrs. so he became mean mean mean.  Always told me shut up.  when he got paid, dont ask me about my money, I will do what I want.  I died again.  He went away for three days, when my baby was three or four, he took the rent money got on a train, and went to a "bodybuilding show" in MA.  Well thanks... Yup, going with the boys from the gym.  I went to the gym, the boys didnt go with him.  He never once called, me home alone for 3 days with a three yr old.  I died again.. After that I lost my love, i fell out of love, and i stopped caring.  I went off my meds, off of depo provera, and my thyroid went nuts, I went without medication for two yrs.  My "numbers" on the charts, were off the charts.  If your T count is at a twelve, they put you in the hospital, its very high.  I was at 24 and at deaths door, bp constant 190 over 110 with meds, h/r, 135 beats per minute steady. I didnt give a s**t, i got thinner and thinner and thinner, and nearly died.  I wanted to die.  I  want to die right now.  Me, like a schmuck, wrote of an affair i had with a 21 yr old when i was 37.  I loved the whole "taboo" part of it.  All that made it wrong was exciting.  Like a dick, I wrote about it. My husband went fishing and read it all.  Got my passwords, and wrote what I thought i had deleted.  Five weeks ago, and my life has been hell since.  My husband cries alot.  I cry alot, i throw up alot, i get stomache pains, i cant eat.  My husband wont let it go, will not.  All day everyday, I am inundated with questions.  why did you make out with him and not me?  Did you cum? did u touch him? why him and not me?  did you moan, was there oral?  It goes on and on.  I didnt ask him what it felt like to get head from a 24 yr old virgin, I actually think its creepy and dont wanna think of him that what.  he fucked a fat nasty b***h with d****s, "because he could" he was helping boost her confidence.  all of this was before cheating was ever a thought in my mind.  He was already getting his.  but nope, he wasnt cheating, just me.  I made him lose all the "special" we had.  He is ok with what he did, nope he didnt cheat, just me.  He is fine, all is well and good he made peace with it. Never mind I would have loved to stab him in his sleep.  I had my heart ripped out and stepped on.  Torn apart, I wanted to die, i wanted him to die.  Oh, there was the three guys on one girl at Matts house one summer, but none of that was cheating, oh, he didnt screw anyone, so he says..

 

So it goes on and on.  He cries daily, so do I .. Why cant he move it? Because when I died in 2002, 2003, 2004 and now 2008 I have had time to make it not matter so much?  Its too fresh for him? why must ha talk about it? like i am gonna answer his questions? He didnt care about our income, and at one pont whether we ate or not, or paid rent or not.  Why? cuz he hate NY, he hated our life, and couldn't live without affection, sex, kissing.  So what is wrong with me that I can?  So I did this all right?  Forget about my broken heart right?  New fat mommy, while husband runs around cause I can't give him what he needs, nor do I want too.  Sorry, dying from Graves disease, one foot at death's door.  This is what it has become, everytime he calls from work he asks, are we ever gonna make out? did you write sexy to me?  When he calls me at work, are you gonna come in and kiss me? When I get home, from a long suck a*s day at work, cats starving, kid starving, house disgusting stanky mess, i have three cats, two are not fixed, yes it sucks.... come in the bedroom, but i cannot. I am wound up from work, i hate the mess, gotta feed my kid. I cannot lay down. I dont want to lay down, and if I do, its to sleep.  So the fight starts all over again, nonstop.

 

Does this begin to explain my sad?  I have no desire for sex anymore,. for love, for men or women, i dont feel sexy, I dont want to kiss, be touched, or explain to my child why I am sad all the time.  All I want to do is sleep and not wake up.  Some may say its bullshit,  i dont have a disabled child, i am not riddled with cancer, so boohoo shut the f**k up and get on with your life, right? I am trying, and i have lost all my teeth, from illness, almost died from graves disease, had my throat close several times from the disease, had to have cpr/and heimlich from choking, got broken ribs from choking, have crapped myself uncontrollably, threw up from walking ffrom one room to another, buried thrre parents. biological mom of overdose, adoptive mom at 14 form cancer, dad at 21 from three strokes and cancer, was raised on beatings, and my beat you within an inch of you life beatings, and for yrs i thought my name was dumb stupid b***h.   I am still here.  I have been homeless while pregnant, i have had to share a hot dog, while pregnant.  Do you know what pregnancy hunger is like?  I almost died giving birth. 104 fever, and convulsions for a week, erratic heartbeat, during labor and after giving birth.  i have been thru hell.  I then got blamed for my parents death, they died, god gook them, but nope..dumb 14 yr old was left alone, missing mos of school to take care of cancer ridden parents, while other kids went to pep rally's and dances, not me.. All of this after yrs of poverty and beatings, at home, and at school for being the geek,  I thought the worst was behind me, but I feel all that pain and anguish rite now, even though circumstances are different.

 

Yes ...I am sad, yes i feel like i dont want to go on, i dont want to be asked, will you kiss me hold me, why not me? why why why why why? I DONT F*****G KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but i do know i am ready to crack and die... and yes, I am very sad.

Author's Note

this is all true, and a way for me to try to deal with emotional pain, i am not looking for review or judgements or anyone to even read it, I just needed to get it out.