Falling

When you find love after you've been through hell and beat the devil at his own game it's a scary thing.

I’m falling for you

I can feel it in my bones.

Feel it in my soul.

I don’t necessarily want to,

but it’s something I can’t really control.

Every moment

I spend

with you in it

I want to stop time.

I love having you in my life.

I don’t wanna let one second pass us by.

But there are times

when I ask myself why?

Why am I doing this?

Don’t I deserve more than this s**t?

Aren’t I worth it?

I suppose you won’t say different,

you’re just not ready for a relationship

and I have to respect it.

I just can’t pretend

that it has no effect

on my mindset

when it comes to us.

I just don’t want this to be a bust.

I don’t wait for much.

Believe it or not,

I just don’t have the patience, but

for you I’m trying to make the exception.

I know that, technically, I’ve already made a decision.

A person once said that “one of the hardest decisions 

you’ll face in life is choosing whether to walkaway or try harder”.

Looks like I’ve chosen to stay and see if we can’t move forward.

I’ve found a new goal to work towards,

but my heart’s on the line.

I’m looking for a sign,

but I know that the ball’s in the air,

hovering there

as though it’s been bewitched,

In the past I’ve bitched

I’ve been pissed

at the guys who try to hide,

but you go out of your way to make me smile.

It’s been awhile 

since a guy’s been so nice.

and I can see it in your eyes

when you look at me

that what you see

isn’t just a body.

I know that I’m not the only one falling,

but it’s not always easy

for me

to remember these things.

I get caught up in my own head.

Even when we’re in the same bed.

Words that were said,

others that were left unsaid.

Sometimes I think I’m seeing red,

but then you go and do something that makes me smile,

say something that makes me laugh.

Am I so daft

to want to believe that

in the aftermath

of all this “no relationship” crap

maybe we can make an attempt 

at this dating concept.

Marines, they overcome and adapt,

so maybe we can overcome our fears and accept

we could make this relationship a success.

It’s not that foreign of a concept.

We just need to wrap our minds around 

the fact that

we can’t

abolish this thing that we have.

I’m falling for your laugh, your smile, your hands.

It’s a slow stumble,

a low hum

that’s making its way into an incredible song.

This feels far from wrong.

You’re the total package.

Far from average,

and here I am just going at it.

Pouring out all of these thoughts that have been sitting in the attic.

But me sitting still,

is like asking my brain to stop turning.

I can’t stop thinking.

So, I end up writing.

Then you keep asking,

and who am I to tell you no?

When I go,

I go all in.

I don’t do anything half way.

It’s how I was raised.

I was always told to not be afraid,

but for awhile fear ran through my veins. 

Extra cautious,

yet impulsive.

I’m a walking contradiction, I guess.

I’m not going to lie and say that I don’t discuss 

our relationship with my sisters.

Even though one of them is a man hater,

wanting you to get your s**t together

and commit already.

But she doesn’t say you’re using me,

that’s something at least.

Mason asks me  constantly,

“Are you falling?”

Because he knows me.

It’s been over a year,

and my track record isn’t exactly squeaky clean.

So, he’s persistently questioning,

and it’s funny because Kalvin told me that persistency

is the key.

Then you say that what if I only like you for how you treat me?

I’d say that you’re crazy,

because, to me, it’s plain to see,

but if I must draw it out, give me a piece of paper and some ink.

Because we’ve discussed marriage, jobs and babies.

I’ve seen you with your siblings.

You love your family,

even if you think they’re frustrating.

I know you say that it’s not just about the sex,

and I’m not going to object,

but I need you to know that the same applies for me as well.

Pressing “send”

to email you a poem

is one of the most difficult tasks I do.

I know that you know it too.

I don’t share my heart.

Opening up isn’t something that I wanted to start,

but as Crusen says “F**k it”.

Roberts asks if it’s worth it.

“Do you know the risks?

Is he worth it?”

So far, I’d have to say so,

but who knows,

you could always turn out to be this a*****e,

or you could just come to the conclusion

that I’m too broken.

Anything could happen

in this situation.

Everyone asks me of your intentions,

and sometimes I just want to block out their opinions

even though I know it’s because they care.

The reality is there,

but I have a tendency to keep my head in the clouds

without a way to come down.

Who says I want to be safe and sound?

I suppose it’s the logical route,

but love is a chemical imbalance in the brain.

Relationships are unstable,

far from safe.

I’d ask you “what d’ya say?”,

but I already know the answer;

plus, I know that we’re not there.

I just hope you know that I care,

and I don’t plan on going anywhere.

It’s not all about the sex.

That’s second best.

Honestly cuddling with you is what gets me.

I’m not keen on lying,

especially when I can weave a story

out of thin air and have everyone believing

that this smile I put on may just be real.

A lot of them won’t ever believe 

that I’ve an entire life that I’m hiding.

It worked in my tween and teenager years.

There are times when I find

that I still have the touch to lie.

I’ve been burned too many times,

but then there’s you.

Sometimes I don’t know what to do.

I feel my walls crumbling,

and then I end up panicking,

but I don’t want to stop changing,

veering

away from the life I was leading.

That’s not me,

at least I don’t want it to be.

I’m tired of hiding,

but transforming,

that takes more than a few days.

I was doing okay,

until the nightmares came back to play. 

It’s not just at night.

Sometimes,

the flashbacks haunt me in the daylight.

That’s a secret I thought I’d never divulge. 

Believe me when I say that I’m not one to indulge

in drama.

Maybe that’s why I never told Mama.

Worrying people isn’t my intentions,

but sometimes someone needs a person to lean on.

I know that you’re someone I can count on,

but I’m not a perfect person.

The guilt of leaning on anyone

will eat at me for awhile.

Sometimes I believe that I’m not worth it,

other days, I don’t question my existence.

While I’m being honest,

when I’m quiet

my wheels are turning.

Sometimes it’s the memories,

other times it’s just me thinking.

Mama tells me to let go, to loosen up,

says i should trust you.

I should be braver, 

but there are times when I’m just so scared.

There’s a lot more to say, 

but I’ll just have to take this day by day,

and accept the fact that I’ll be okay,

eventually.

Maybe by the time I figure myself out,

I’ll find out,

whether or not we can make this work out,

or go our separate ways.

Until then, I’m making the most of this.

Living for the moment,

trying not to worry or think about the what if’s 

and what could have beens.

Hoping for tomorrow and forgetting yesterday.

The things you say,

worry me some days,

and other times you say these sweet words

and sometimes I can’t believe what I’ve heard,

and this may sound absurd, 

but you make me happy.

Even when I can’t breathe.

I know that I don’t call,

but I don’t want to fall.

There’s been something on my mind;

I know, it’s not much of a surprise,

but all of these times

when I’ve just wanted to run and hide.

You say you want me to talk to someone,

about what happened,

but how can I accomplish that task

when I can’t even call you when you ask?

I mean I want a relationship with you, but how can I when I can’t even do that?

It bothers me,

more than you may think.

So, I think it’s about time I see if I fly or sink…

Well, bare with me, because it may push me to the brink, 

but I figure 

before I tell someone else I might as well tell you.

I’m going to have to establish rules,

because you’re going to see a different side of me.

One most people don’t see.

You’re going to want to reach

out and comfort me,

but don’t. Please.

If I am to get this out, you’re going to have to let me be 

for however long it takes to tell the story.

So, next time you see me,

we’ll have to take some time and test my wings.  

Who knows, maybe I’m strong enough to fly.

Reviews

[Inject Positivity]

The poem truly speaks out the speaker's heart....How the speaker loves that person and no matter how hard things may seem, she is trying her best by choosing to stay longer and make things work out....The poem is long though but it is worth reading and i loved the way kept the interest of the poem going till the end....Well done dear frnd.....Full ratings!!!!

[Relic]

This looks to intimidating to read. I'll bet its good though. :-)