a summary

I was so scared the first time we kissed.
I felt revived by the touch of your lips,
and with the mosquitoes biting our feet, I was too caught up in you to think about what that meant.

I helped your dad load the U-haul,
you loved me, the distance didn't scare me at all.
I took you to get ice cream,
I don't remember the flavor,
just you being the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen.

We talked every day, and you'd call every night,
I was so happy with everything in my life.
You were flying back to see me,
it was only a few weeks.

We spent a day at your grandma's place,
The night lead us to drinking, you're such a lightweight.
We all wish you could have stayed.

It's my turn to come see you,
Arizona is hot, and with you at school there's not much to do.
I spent a lot of time with your sister, I didn't even consider how much I might miss her.
this trip was the best money I have ever spent.

Your mom is making you look at colleges over there,
you want to move back, but it's easier to humor her.
I can't wait to see you again.

We were walking downtown.
You said you liked one of the colleges you found,
I didn't know what to say, this is the moment I wish I could change.
"Okay"

When you went back, my depression took your place,
And after so many days, your love started to change.
You wanted some space, more than the 866 miles we already had. I stopped everything you didn't like; smoking, drinking, and picking fights.

I drove out with your grandma for thanksgiving.
I guess I didn't bring anything for you.
Your love disappeared like the stars into sunlight.
I'd never felt so confused in my life,
until I though about how you kissed me goodbye.

Reviews

[Frank]

A narrative, story, something concrete we can get into. There are odd flashes of rhyme lines throughout, not that they do much to the poem, or maybe they are accidental, I don't think so somehow.

You attempt a proper ending, a moral, but felt it should be stronger.

I think you could strengthen the poem by pruning, could you prune, try it out see if it improves.

e.g. Stanza 8

When you went back, my depression took your place,
[when you left and moved out, depression moved in]

And after so many days, your love started to change.
[after a while I sense your love had changed]

You wanted some space, more than the 866 miles we already had. I stopped everything you didn't like; smoking, drinking, and picking fights.

[You wanted more space, and I changed to please you, no more fights, drink and smokes]

Just some suggestions.