A Kiss

Not my usual. But I'm liking it.

 

Whose thoughts are whose, I ponder

warm, in trance, deep, when eyes are fixated

as mirrors, reflecting oneness over and over.

 

Smaller connections framed in larger beliefs.

Caressing comfort of familiarity echoed

in all directions, peaceful, honest, interwoven.

 

As raveled as any two souls could be;

sometimes so tightly that we seem twisted.

So close that my mouth sucks at the air.

But even our tangled likenesses seem like God’s art

to my overwhelmed senses.

 

When I see myself reflected in you, I seem beautiful.

All self-deprecation is drowned in the liquid cadence

of our souls rubbing and touching like wind chimes;

playing a freestyle harmony that could lull Hell’s flames

to sweet dreaming smoky sleep.

 

Intense sensations rumble my mortal existence

as anticipation rises in slow motion; drifting as feathers,

ready to collide with no impact. Your lips so close.

 

Wondering if our bodies will be as fitted as our minds.

Eyes closed, now, but the overlapping reflections remain

as we kiss. Even the gods covet our passion in this moment.

Author's Note

This is a work in progress. Any suggestions are welcome.
Thanks,
Piggy

Reviews

[The DuchessPoet]

This poem is an example of passion at it's best!
I was overwhelmed by your lead stanza...
but my favorite was this:
"When I see myself reflected in you, I seem beautiful.
All self-deprecation is drowned in the liquid cadence
of our souls rubbing and touching like wind chimes;
playing a freestyle harmony that could lull Hell's flames
to sweet dreaming smoky sleep.

Intense sensations rumble my mortal existence
as anticipation rises in slow motion; drifting as feathers,
ready to collide with no impact. Your lips so close."

OMG what a creative line... "playing a freestyle harmony that could lull Hell's flames"

You are both gifted and talented and I am in awe of your lyric!

Very well done, my talent, very well done!
I am honored that you found my piece admirable!

Submit this to the contest and you will definately place...
***I hope you are NOT my competition! LOL ***

[Salvatore Buttaci]

To me the poem takes too long to say what it means. Try beginning with a later stanza:

When I see myself reflected in you, I seem beautiful.

All self-deprecation is drowned in the liquid cadence

of our souls rubbing and touching like wind chimes;

playing a freestyle harmony that could lull Hell's flames

to sweet dreaming smoky sleep.

I'd keep the "I" point of view and use less abstract nouns like "sensations," "connections," "beliefs."
Keep the poem rich in imagery (pictures the reader can see in her mind)

Maybe you should continue with stanza 2:

Deep in a warm trance I ponder how eyes
fixated like mirrors can reflect oneness again and again

THE NEXT STANZA IS TOO HARD TO PICTURE. CONVERT IT TO AN IMAGE.

[Smaller connections framed in larger beliefs.

Caressing comfort of familiarity echoed

in all directions, peaceful, honest, interwoven.]

Try something like:

We are two souls raveled so tightly
we seem twisted, your mouth to mine,
both of us a reflection of God's fine art.

Try working the rest of the poem in easy-to-imagine stanzas. Don't get caught up in words that cloud the issue.

Intense sensations rumble my mortal existence

as anticipation rises in slow motion; drifting as feathers,

ready to collide with no impact. Your lips so close.



Wondering if our bodies will be as fitted as our minds.

Eyes closed, now, but the overlapping reflections remain

as we kiss. Even the gods covet our passion in this moment.


I hope I was somewhat helpful.

Sal

[Wildecat]

A great write, totally enjoyed reading this poem.

[Frank F. Atanacio]

it's beacon sizzling hot piggy?